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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Goes to Carnival


On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

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On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Read more


A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

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Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

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Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

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A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"
An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."
A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Auntie Readme: Torn between my situationship and 47 feral hogs

Feeling Hogtied: February is the time for renegotiating leases. And, coincidentally, retreading and regretting my love life. I'm currently living in a two-bedroom with a guy who looks kind of like Timothee Chalamet if he were born and raised in the Texas panhandle. Long story short, we flirted a tiny …

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Student gives 75 classmates AIVs

On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to …

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Don't Come Back

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

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Top 10 Milkable things on campus

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

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A Letter From The Editor

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

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Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

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Hostile Booth Architecture

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

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Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

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We're broke

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

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A word search in the wingdings emoji font.
Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

I Hate Baker-Porter

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

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Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies