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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Crystals for home improvement

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

100% Accurate Autism test

// John Autism • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Readme Goes to Shul

By B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

…

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

By Coward • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".

Rejected O-week logo designs

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat.