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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

By Stella Cedar & Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Ranking CMU's presidents

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

The Wheel and its affects on our children

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

By "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

By Coward • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

Updates from Physics

By Mr. Anomalocaris • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

A Spring Carnival bingo sheet with the following items: crash a UHaul, park in the CFA parking lot, offend an alumni, confuse a Pitt student, go on vacation instead, fall off the ferris wheel, invite your visiting parents to a rager, send incriminating photos to parents, violate OSHA, sleep, report a friend to CMU PD, steal a buggy and get chased by CMU PD, FREE: do homework, win something illegitimately, get a dorm noise complaint, wake up in a random basement, single-handedly demolish Donner, misuse a scissor lift, go backstage somewhere illicitly, go sledding, destroy grass in a fit of rage, obtain permanent trauma, throw up on a friend, discover the limits of caffeine, and get banned from a frat.

Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …

RA finds Olympic torch during room check • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • How to tell if your ice sculptures are ethically sourced • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Rabbi hot?! • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • How to tell if your ice sculptures are ethically sourced. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Rabbi hot?! • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises.