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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

We Killed The Dog


The War on South Craig Street

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

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CMU to increase free speech "by any force necessary"

A core pillar of our democracy and liberty has always been the right to freedom of expression. The Founding Fathers famously freed speech from its shackles of Europeanism with the signing of the 1st amendment (unfreed slaves notwithstanding).

Carrying on this tradition, CMU president Farnam Jahanian announced, “CMU is …

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A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.
A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

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readme booth to bring back factory towns

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

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Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."
An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

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Readme Summer School

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Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

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CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

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CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

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Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

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"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Readme Reads the Paper

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SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

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CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

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Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

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Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Gelt still more real than crypto • We hid six grammatical errors in this magazine. Find them all to win a prize • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Gelt still more real than crypto. • We hid six grammatical errors in this magazine. Find them all to win a prize. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester.