Paid for by: the money we save from being single
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Viva La Revolution


Tarring and Feathering: The Skincare Hack You've Never Heard Of

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been living through crazy times. Every piece of news from the town crier spikes your cortisol, disgusting soldiers keep asking to sleep with you, and herbal teas have become STUPIDLY expensive. (Seriously, girls. You might as well throw your money in the Boston Harbor.)

Read more

The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

Read more


"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

Read more

Feng Shui to make you forget them

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

Read more

Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

Read more

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

Read more

Taste-testing Messiahs

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

Read more

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Read more

Auntie readme's Advice

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

Read more

How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

Read more

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

The Wheel and its affects on our children

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

Read more

War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

Read more

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

Read more

CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

Read more

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

Read more

Readme Retraces Its Steps

Read more

A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]
"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

Read more

A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

Read more

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

Read more

White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Kanye up to something • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • All of Science wrong. Oops • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Kanye up to something • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • All of Science wrong. Oops. • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing