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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

Is the trend towards minimialism bad?

By 2 anonymous writers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Point

Bartholomew Thistlewick

Minimalism has its place in artistic movements, there is no doubt that some of the most influential art works of modern times were inspired by minimalism; one need not look further than the works of Yves Klein to see this. But minimalism is not content …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Crime Report Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Institutional vandalism, criminal trespass, receiving stolen property: 3/10

Report dubious at best. They claim that a non-affiliate broke into the Mellon Institute and caused damage to property owned by Carnegie Mellon. First of all, there’s no person in the world named Carnegie Mellon, and if there is, we need …

The kids are alright.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

The Tri-Wheelers of Pittsburgh

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

August 16th, 2026

I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. …

Good news!

// Violet Connor • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Autie README Jr.

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Fridged: I need your help. I was exploring the world with my mouth (don’t judge me, sensorimotor things) when I happened upon the coolest-looking magnet in the known universe. It was perfectly gullet-sized, so I had no choice but to pop it in there. One thing led to another and …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

Taste-testing Messiahs

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

By Dr. Johnathan Speed • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twentyfive p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

An extremely detailed comic depicting a freshman (labeled "greedy freshmen") buying food while stating "yes, more food!" while a worker lebeled "overpaid worker" replies "of course! you're our FAVORITE class!". An emaciated individual in tattered clothes lies on the floor labeled "impoverished upperclassmen" is asking "won't somebody think of us?". A bald man labeled "Farnam" is taking a selfie while saying "this way, EVERYONE can take econ!"

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

Readme has hired world's funniest baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Here at ReadMe, we’re hip with the youth. That’s why we make sure to give equal opportunity to comedians of all ages. And well, earlier this week, we found some truly outstanding talent: the funniest baby ever.

Herbert, 0 years old, was born with an innate knack for comedy …

A chart with divorce winnings decided by a 6-sided die roll. 1 is the car keys, 2 is silverware set, 3 is grandpa's urn, 4 is racist memorabilia, 5 is whiskey collection, and 6 is THE HOUSE!!!

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

By Enu [redacted] • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

If you really think about it, this is equally likely as anything else

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

A handwriting worksheet for the letter C, labeled "C is for Carnegie Mellon", bearing the official CMU stamp.

76-101 Assignment 1. Due Friday!

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Image showing a smiling Sen. McConnell entering a box with a radioactive source and poison, Schrodiner's-cat style.

Good Luck, Senator McConnell!

// Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

CMU to increase free speech "by any force necessary"

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

A core pillar of our democracy and liberty has always been the right to freedom of expression. The Founding Fathers famously freed speech from its shackles of Europeanism with the signing of the 1st amendment (unfreed slaves notwithstanding).

Carrying on this tradition, CMU president Farnam Jahanian announced, “CMU is …

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The Death of a CFA Grass Farmer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The barren time comes every year and we are never ready. No matter how hard we labor, our stores only dwindle. Futility strokes my dingus with her cold hands, never granting me the mercy of release. We cannot outwork the famine. We cannot outrun the tent.

It comes every …

Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CMU student folds up into a cube and powers down • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • POLLS: President May Be Elected • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CMU student folds up into a cube and powers down • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • POLLS: President May Be Elected • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along.