Paid for by: you?????

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Sells Out

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.

"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …

A sketch of a horse drawing a (CMU-style) buggy.

Horse-drawn buggy

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

I Fucking Hate the 54

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

An Open Letter to the CMU community

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

Overheard at CMU

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG

Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

…

Readme Sex Survey Results

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

A PSA to check the CO detectors

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to …

CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96 • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • How to feng shui your killdozer • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96. • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • How to feng shui your killdozer • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV