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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Do Your Part. Buy Meal Blocks

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

Pittsburgh's Newest Invasive Species

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

You’ve seen them around. They didn’t exist here a few years ago, but now they’re all over the place. If you don’t know what they are, you might think they look kinda cool. Really, they’re destroying our environment.

Pittsburgh’s newest invasive species has no natural predators. It destroys its …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

A Short History of CMU

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

CMU came into being when the eponymous Andrew Carnegie discovered Doherty, Porter, and Baker Halls during an excavation while preparing for the construction of a new US Bureau of Mines building. Modern archaeologists have been unable to conclusively pinpoint their age, though the pale Kittanning bricks certainly predate homo sapiens. …

Rat Authorities Ignore Human Infestation in Mudge

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

If you’re a rat in Carnegie Mellon University, you may love hanging around in many places—Darting around Hunt Library, sliding down Baker Hall, serving food at Yella’s, or being served as food at Yella’s. However, the largest and longest- standing safe haven for rats is undeniably Mudge House. Formed in …

Image showing a smiling Sen. McConnell entering a box with a radioactive source and poison, Schrodiner's-cat style.

Good Luck, Senator McConnell!

// Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

The only keyboard you'll EVER need at CMU!

// Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The War on South Craig Street

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.

What is the False Burger? Readme investigates

// Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

A grayscale picture of a smiling dog captioned "Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Help Wanted: Password Guesses

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Beloved Football Chants At CMU

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

A Disease for Every Department

By README • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

By "Tyan Rosh" & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.

Anonymous • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Spot the difference!

// Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Self-Care For The Self-Destructive

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Welcome, freshmen, to Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got a busy week ahead, one of so very many, so make sure you enjoy this one while it lasts. After all, come next week, and you will be launched into a world of coursework, clubs, and career choices that will define the rest …

[TODO]

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

[Picture of a dog begging] "Begging lessons from the pros: pay off your student loans, scam old people, get yummy food, pass your exams! The possibilities are endless!!! Contact via dog whistle TODAY"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Don't ask Scotty who she cheered for during the 2026 Winter Olympics

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

By Coward • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

Argumentative Essay

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

[TODO]

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1) Better at news

Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.

2) Better words

Find me a single example of the Tartan using …

A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

Readme Reviews

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Kanye up to something • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality Report • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • King Charles III to consider castling • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Rabbi hot?! • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Kanye up to something • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality Report • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • King Charles III to consider castling • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Rabbi hot?!