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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival


On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

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We're broke

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

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Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

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README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

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The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

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An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.
An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.
A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

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The Wheel and its affects on our children

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

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Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

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A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

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Readme Crime Report

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

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The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

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Updates from Physics

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

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Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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Readme Communists Exposed!

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

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Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

Scobell House is currently the only all­-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-­male dormitory to an all­-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

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Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …

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RA finds Olympic torch during room check • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • How to tell if your ice sculptures are ethically sourced • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Rabbi hot?! • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • How to tell if your ice sculptures are ethically sourced. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Rabbi hot?! • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises.