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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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A photo of an astronaut on the moon next to a flag displaying readme's logo.

Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

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Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Crystals for home improvement

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

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An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Readme Gets Absurd

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I Hate Baker-Porter

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

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Readme Crime Report

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

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Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time

13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time

SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.

(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)

SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—

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Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

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I called Pitt Police to CMU

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

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2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

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A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

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Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe …

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Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

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So you're on a couple waitlists

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

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Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

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Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

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The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

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Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Rest in Peace Buddy • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Rest in Peace Buddy • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool.