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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

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New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

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Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

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Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

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The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.
An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

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I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing

My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …

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CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

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README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

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Readme Takes A Sick Day

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"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."
"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Readme Reads the Paper

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My cat is an asshole

Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this …

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A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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The Best Crime Report

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

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Readme Crime Report

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

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Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

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A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."
A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

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Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Nudist Revolution on Campus, 30% of campus disrobes • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Nudist Revolution on Campus, 30% of campus disrobes • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup. • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid