Paid for by: Carlos's Print Quota(cuz Student Senate is a buncha nerds)

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

We Killed The Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The War on South Craig Street

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

CMU to increase free speech "by any force necessary"

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

A core pillar of our democracy and liberty has always been the right to freedom of expression. The Founding Fathers famously freed speech from its shackles of Europeanism with the signing of the 1st amendment (unfreed slaves notwithstanding).

Carrying on this tradition, CMU president Farnam Jahanian announced, “CMU is …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.

“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that …

Self-Care For The Self-Destructive

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Welcome, freshmen, to Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got a busy week ahead, one of so very many, so make sure you enjoy this one while it lasts. After all, come next week, and you will be launched into a world of coursework, clubs, and career choices that will define the rest …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Jupiter • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

[Picture of a dog in a santa hat] "George Michael wishes you a Very Readme Christmas!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

By J. P. Crawfish & Your Mother • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.

What is the False Burger? Readme investigates

// Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs

By Cindy Gao • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

5-Minute Crafts: ECE!

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such …

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Local Duck • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • King Charles III to consider castling • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • King Charles III to consider castling • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream. • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports