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Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Anti-Oughtiplus Sex

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Halfpast hush, window rainrattled, the lampwick whispering made a little sun of her undone cuff. May I? Me: aye: wristward, thurstward, tictactile, hisher pulse and the twobeat beast becoming, tictactile. Grab!tation: now a conjugal third.

[He’s barely grabbed her wrist?! At this pace, we’ll need a second issue for …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IX: Goodwill Hunting

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

I had never intended to be a wicked woman. Indeed, wickedness had always struck me as exhausting: between the disposal of bodies, conversations in loathsome cellars, and the obligation to remember which lies one has told which person, it’s a wonder anyone chooses to pursue it at all! My ambition …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Activities Board to bring back Sex Week

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

AB is bringing back its premier event: Sex Week! Originally hosted jointly by the Women's Center and AB Special Events, AB has since divorced the Women's Center and is now uniting with the esteemed Kenneth C. Griffin School of Computer Science. In the spirit of this sacred union, AB will …

Best Course to use as "Course"play

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Dear Reader,

In my first year of college, I had a sexual awakening while sitting in my 8 AM lecture. As my professor droned on and on—about what, I can’t quite remember—I realized just how titillating a situation I was in. I was surrounded by people, with only a …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

How to Spice Things Up in the Kitchen

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Is cooking just not as exciting as it used to be? Has your gas burner lost its spark? Around halfway through the semester, every upperclassman staying in their own apartment starts to get tired of making their own meals. You might think that there’s nothing new to explore, and that …

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

A Disease for Every Department

By README • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

Readme gets divorced

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

We need to talk.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

By Porque Taepwyrm • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

An Open Letter to the CMU community

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Thieving Mice

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

CMU was always a social experiment

By Archith Sharma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

…

So you've heard of 122?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

Welcome to CMU!

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

By Dr. Johnathan Speed • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

CMU confers Class of '28 Dogbreeding License onto unidentified, dashing Readme staffer

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

By Benner Rogers & Johnny Truant • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Mathematicians confused that WQED still continuing on • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup. • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Mathematicians confused that WQED still continuing on