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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

What are they carrying to the sky?

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

By Auntie Readme • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

Genealogists have been left with more questions than answers

// Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English …

CMU Finals rife with cheating

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

By Enu [redacted] • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

Greeshma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

By Mass of Rat Brain Cells • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Vote Wean Hall!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for …

A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Where to buy Adderall on campus

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Poetry Corner

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

My cat is an asshole

By Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this …

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Gelt still more real than crypto • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Rabbi hot?! • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Rabbi hot?! • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly"