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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

SCANDAL AT CMU: The SECRET Behind ANSYS Hall's Weight Gain

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large …

Don't ask Scotty who she cheered for during the 2026 Winter Olympics

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

They will greet us as sexual liberators

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

Naturally, the Italian military was keen to establish outposts in the area

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twentyfive p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

By Phong • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

So you've heard of 122?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

Carnegie Crime Report

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

Pierre de Fermat • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve …

An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across …

Some wonder if this might be too much for one student. Others look for a class to fill in that pesky Friday lunch break

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

By Greeshma • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

By Elliot Rice • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

Scotty Dog missed you. So did we, if you even care about that.

// Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English …

Bechdel Test added to autograder • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size.