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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

A Freshman's Guide to Staying Healthy

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Congratulations on starting your first year at Carnegie Mellon! Now that you’re in college, you can’t rely on your parents to keep you alive anymore. You have to get your own food, look after your own wellbeing, and avoid locking yourself in a hot car while you buy cigarettes. It’s …

Stupid Baby Rabbits Keep Ruining My Brooding

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Rabbit populations follow boom-bust cycles, and the Pittsburgh rabbit sex market is at an all time high. This wreaks havoc on native plants, spreads disease, and takes away from my most enjoyable hobby: being miserable. Sometimes I walk around Westinghouse pond and contemplate drowning myself in two feet of water …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Self-Care For The Self-Destructive

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Welcome, freshmen, to Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got a busy week ahead, one of so very many, so make sure you enjoy this one while it lasts. After all, come next week, and you will be launched into a world of coursework, clubs, and career choices that will define the rest …

A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

By Coward • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Kirby's Adventure NES Review

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

Ranking CMU's presidents

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

5-Minute Crafts: ECE!

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such …

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

Field Guide To Sabotage

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left …

Top 10 Tops

By Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera …

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

By Citron & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

…

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Winning the War on Christmas

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Date Recap With README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Bechdel Test added to autograder • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide. • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer