Paid for by: Severance payouts from the Post-Gazette staff

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

By Mass of Rat Brain Cells • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Another Night in Pittsburgh

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine", "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"

A representative sample of CMU Missed Connections.

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

An ad for "5 hour Melcius", which is a combination of Celsius, Monster, and 5-hour Energy. it is described as helping with locking in, locking out, 122 exam, normal breathing patterns, too much sleep, "and so much more!". This is followed by a long and extremely detailed list of ghastly side effects.

Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

By Joe MacDonald • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

I met Santa Claus, she's black • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Remember to tip your TAs! • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Remember to tip your TAs! • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream. • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM".