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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern­-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

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Rules are for fools

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”


One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

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Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

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A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

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Readme Crime Report

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

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Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

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The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

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CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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A Letter from the Editor

As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, …

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CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

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Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

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Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

Scobell House is currently the only all­-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-­male dormitory to an all­-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

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Carnegie Mellon rabbits claim squatters rights

Rabbits have officially claimed squatters’ rights on the CMU Mall and CFA Lawn following years of occupation. The invasive creatures were first introduced fifty years ago when a freshman living in Mudge brought their hobby rabbit farm to campus. The university initially tried to contain them, but efforts ceased after …

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Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

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The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

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Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

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Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • The impending draft will be great for my grad school resume • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • The impending draft will be great for my grad school resume • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings!