Paid for by: Artifacts stolen from the CMU Archives

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Don't ask Scotty who she cheered for during the 2026 Winter Olympics

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

They will greet us as sexual liberators

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Grey O'Hara • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

A word search, but the words are all censored.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

By Benner Rogers & Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

Tarot Cards for CMU Students

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

By Pennsylvania Jones • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

Ms. De Vil, leaving the furry orgy fashionably early

// Greeshma • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

A screw driver

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

Beloved Football Chants At CMU

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

So you're on a couple waitlists

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Taste-testing Messiahs

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

An ad for "5 hour Melcius", which is a combination of Celsius, Monster, and 5-hour Energy. it is described as helping with locking in, locking out, 122 exam, normal breathing patterns, too much sleep, "and so much more!". This is followed by a long and extremely detailed list of ghastly side effects.

Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Megachurch forms PokéStop • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Megachurch forms PokéStop • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester.