Readme Wins Gold

Kanye up to something • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Gelt still more real than crypto • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Kanye up to something • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies