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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

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Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion

A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …

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Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

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A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

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Kirby's Adventure NES Review

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

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Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

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ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

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Wait, people actually read this?

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

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Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

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History's first booth

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

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OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

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Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

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An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across …

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An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

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Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

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Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

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Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing