If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • CMU announces tuition freeze, students to keep paying forever • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • CMU announces tuition freeze, students to keep paying forever
