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All the news unfit to print!

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Do Your Part. Buy Meal Blocks

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

Call Me in Case of Campus Emergencies

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Imagine this: you’ve been shot and you’re bleeding out on the ground. You call the campus police to come save you, but they send out a guy with another gun! Do you feel safe in this situation? Do you trust this random stranger not to also shoot you? Of course …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Rat Authorities Ignore Human Infestation in Mudge

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

If you’re a rat in Carnegie Mellon University, you may love hanging around in many places—Darting around Hunt Library, sliding down Baker Hall, serving food at Yella’s, or being served as food at Yella’s. However, the largest and longest- standing safe haven for rats is undeniably Mudge House. Formed in …

Some Pointers for CMU SCS

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

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Segmentation fault (core dumped)

A Grad Student's Guide to PA Liquor Laws

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Congratulations on starting grad school! It’s like freshman year all over again, except now you’re old, and alcohol isn’t new and cool anymore. On the bright side, getting your hands on a drink should at least be significantly easier this time around, right?

Wrong. The state of Pennsylvania is …

This Dog got into CMU with a 1100 SAT

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

“I didn’t really want to go to MIT anyways. I just feel like their campus culture wouldn’t have suited me,” explains 17 year old Basset Hound Elvis Johnson. “But CMU’s got these Tartan traditions, and, you know, that kind of thing. I think it was my number one choice, actually.”

…

Low-quality image with a circle and arrow pointing at some indiscriminate pixels with the text "Cool Bird Spotted On Campus!!!"

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

A word search, but the words are all censored.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

Study finds local tavernkeeps no longer dominant information source for questgoers

By Rock Buddy • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The Tavern—a place that has always been associated with methodical research. But, according to a recent Pew Research Center poll, tavernkeeps are no longer nearly as popular among the adventuring populace. I sat down with local guildmaster, Bjork Sideweih, to find out why:

BS: Back in the 50’s, …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Tarring and Feathering: The Skincare Hack You've Never Heard Of

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been living through crazy times. Every piece of news from the town crier spikes your cortisol, disgusting soldiers keep asking to sleep with you, and herbal teas have become STUPIDLY expensive. (Seriously, girls. You might as well throw your money in the Boston Harbor.)

…

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

The Lottery

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

Winning the War on Christmas

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

The early worm has a far less rosy outlook

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

By Dr. Et Al. & Emily Jiang • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

... and it's the ugly 30% • King Charles III to consider castling • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Child of prophecy destined from birth to attend CMU rejects fate • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Gelt still more real than crypto • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • All of Science wrong. Oops • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • ... and it's the ugly 30% • King Charles III to consider castling • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Child of prophecy destined from birth to attend CMU rejects fate. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • All of Science wrong. Oops. • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now!