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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival


The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

  1. When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.

  2. Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.

  3. When …

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A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.
"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]
A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

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We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

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A Letter from the Editor

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

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Everyone I date becomes lesbian

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

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I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

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So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

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README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for …

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Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

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New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

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CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

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Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

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A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"
A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

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Overheard at CMU

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

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An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."
An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

The Homosexual Conundrum

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

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A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)
I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Bechdel Test added to autograder • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Kanye up to something • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Kanye up to something • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup.