Paid for by: Death, Laundry, and Taxes

Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Married in Vegas %

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada - In the middle of the American desert stands a glittering glass oasis. Baking by day, shining by night, this is the crown of industrial society’s indulgences. Here you can find lovers, gamblers, thrill seekers, and the modern synthesis thereof: competitive relationship speedrunners.

We find ourselves …

Morewood Gardens Undergoes Revitalization

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

It is no secret that the dorms at CMU have some... issues. Such a thing is to be expected for a college struggling to obtain adequate funding, but the students over at Morewood Gardens have been putting great effort into revitalizing their home.

This effort first began with the …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Professionalism in Sexting

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Half of you complain about all the horrible new things the youth are up to, and half of you are mad about what they’re not doing. Not one of you ever thinks about what they’re still doing, but doing completely wrong. Sexting has been the cornerstone of our culture for …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Watch a putdown artist in action

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Picture this: you go to the bar on a Friday night, and all the girls there are having a great time. They’re laughing, dancing, maybe even falling in love. Disgusting. There’s nothing worse than watching a woman have fun at the bar. Luckily for humanity, I’ve dedicated my life to …

A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

"Help find this nice Jewish boy a forever home!" [picture of a Scotty dog in a synagogue]

Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Confessions of the Fence Eater

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side …

So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

Self-Care For The Self-Destructive

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Welcome, freshmen, to Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got a busy week ahead, one of so very many, so make sure you enjoy this one while it lasts. After all, come next week, and you will be launched into a world of coursework, clubs, and career choices that will define the rest …

The Death of a CFA Grass Farmer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The barren time comes every year and we are never ready. No matter how hard we labor, our stores only dwindle. Futility strokes my dingus with her cold hands, never granting me the mercy of release. We cannot outwork the famine. We cannot outrun the tent.

It comes every …

A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

By Dr. Johnathan Speed • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back to School at CMU

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

Torah Review

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Noah’s Ark
🔯🔯
Great ocean scenery but they put me with the only other human and he keeps looking at me weird.

Tower of Babel
🔯🔯🔯
Gribbledorf zanks flomptiously squibberwump’s jibbleflop.

Cain and Abel
🔯🔯🔯🔯
If my dad named me Cain, I’d also be pissed …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Anti-Oughtiplus Sex

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Halfpast hush, window rainrattled, the lampwick whispering made a little sun of her undone cuff. May I? Me: aye: wristward, thurstward, tictactile, hisher pulse and the twobeat beast becoming, tictactile. Grab!tation: now a conjugal third.

[He’s barely grabbed her wrist?! At this pace, we’ll need a second issue for …

Welcome to Pittsburgh!

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

Are You a Lazy Bitch? Automating Your Human Interaction With Claude

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Being a mediocre friend takes a lot of work. Is some dumb bitch blowing up your phone, asking inane questions like “are you free this weekend?” or if you “want to grab a drink :)”? Do you have a friend incapable of getting the hint that you do like them, …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

Naturally, the Italian military was keen to establish outposts in the area

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Kevin Song • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

[Picture of a dog in a santa hat] "George Michael wishes you a Very Readme Christmas!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime Report Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Institutional vandalism, criminal trespass, receiving stolen property: 3/10

Report dubious at best. They claim that a non-affiliate broke into the Mellon Institute and caused damage to property owned by Carnegie Mellon. First of all, there’s no person in the world named Carnegie Mellon, and if there is, we need …

Pittsburgh announces new bridge connecting two places that were already connected, like, five times • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • District Court rules that universities can count 'ethnically ambiguous' students as whatever minority they underenrolled that year • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world • Strip District not what student expected • Pittsburgh announces new bridge connecting two places that were already connected, like, five times. • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • District Court rules that universities can count 'ethnically ambiguous' students as whatever minority they underenrolled that year. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world. • Strip District not what student expected.