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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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We Killed The Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The War on South Craig Street

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

CMU to increase free speech "by any force necessary"

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

A core pillar of our democracy and liberty has always been the right to freedom of expression. The Founding Fathers famously freed speech from its shackles of Europeanism with the signing of the 1st amendment (unfreed slaves notwithstanding).

Carrying on this tradition, CMU president Farnam Jahanian announced, “CMU is …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.

“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that …

Stupid Baby Rabbits Keep Ruining My Brooding

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Rabbit populations follow boom-bust cycles, and the Pittsburgh rabbit sex market is at an all time high. This wreaks havoc on native plants, spreads disease, and takes away from my most enjoyable hobby: being miserable. Sometimes I walk around Westinghouse pond and contemplate drowning myself in two feet of water …

If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

Auntie readme's Advice

By Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’, Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ II, Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Awesome: We trained this AI to generate one image with 100% accuracy

// Citron • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

By Tack Layshun • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

Readme Retraces Its Steps

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

CMU Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

It's Gone

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

The Best Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

…

My mommy says I can't go to war

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

A fun spin on a popular childhood game

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Court rules haunted houses are not acceptable grounds to utilize stand your ground laws • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • ... and it's the ugly 30% • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Court rules haunted houses are not acceptable grounds to utilize stand your ground laws. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • ... and it's the ugly 30% • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory