Readme Wins Gold

Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral