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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme: Sex Sells


What is Sex? An Investigative Account

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

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From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

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Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

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POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

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[TODO]
"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]
A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across …

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Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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A Novel Approach to Union Busting

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hard­working American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

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A word search in the wingdings emoji font.
A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine",  "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"

We need to talk.

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

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A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

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Auntie Readme: Torn between my situationship and 47 feral hogs

Feeling Hogtied: February is the time for renegotiating leases. And, coincidentally, retreading and regretting my love life. I'm currently living in a two-bedroom with a guy who looks kind of like Timothee Chalamet if he were born and raised in the Texas panhandle. Long story short, we flirted a tiny …

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O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion

A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …

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Buggy: An Introduction

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:


1) You are short
2) You went …

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A fun spin on a popular childhood game

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

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An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.
Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • POLLS: President May Be Elected • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Nudist Revolution on Campus, 30% of campus disrobes • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • POLLS: President May Be Elected • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Nudist Revolution on Campus, 30% of campus disrobes • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople