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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."
A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

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A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

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An intensely detailed hand-sketched map of CMU, interspersed with doodles and thoughts.

A Letter from the Editor

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

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Snowstorm Hits Donner, Proclaimed "Still Livable"

Larry: Good evening. We're coming to you live from the arctic tundra that was once the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, where the great Blizzard of '48 has crippled the nation and, more importantly, threequarters of a freshman dorm. I'm here with first-year student Kevin, who is currently enjoying his …

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A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

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Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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Winning the War on Christmas

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

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15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

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CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

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Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

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Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

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Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

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ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …

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CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

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5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics.