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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

They will greet us as sexual liberators

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

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A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

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Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

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The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding

As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …

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Field Guide To Sabotage

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left …

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Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

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The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Stop asking where I'm from

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

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Overheard at CMU

Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG


Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

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A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

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A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

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Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

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Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

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Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - ­it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

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A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

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Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

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A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts

This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.

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CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • I met Santa Claus, she's black • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief