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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

Traffic Calming Solution

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

History's first booth

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

We need to talk.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

By A. Axolotl • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

A recipe for "Grandma's Homestyle Christmas Eggnog" written in curly script font on a festive background. The intro paragraph mentions it gave the writer salmonella. The ingredients list is full of absurdly specific measurements and a concerningly high volume and variety of liquors.

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • ... and it's the ugly 30% • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • How to feng shui your killdozer • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • ... and it's the ugly 30% • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • How to feng shui your killdozer • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases.