Paid for by: Suspicious plants we're growing in the Stever basement.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Pierre de Fermat • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Some wonder if this might be too much for one student. Others look for a class to fill in that pesky Friday lunch break

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

Updates from Physics

By Mr. Anomalocaris • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …

A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Optimal cruise ship packing found.

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine", "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"

A representative sample of CMU Missed Connections.

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Distracted students continue to get eaten by the automower

// Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

FAST and RAW Romance Advice

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate. …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "

"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

The Best Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

…

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"

Anonymous • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia