Paid for by: Carlos's Print Quota(cuz Student Senate is a buncha nerds)

Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Activities Board to bring back Sex Week

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

AB is bringing back its premier event: Sex Week! Originally hosted jointly by the Women's Center and AB Special Events, AB has since divorced the Women's Center and is now uniting with the esteemed Kenneth C. Griffin School of Computer Science. In the spirit of this sacred union, AB will …

CMU student invests in classroom real estate

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 3, 2026

While most students are worried about saving money for their futures, Tepper student D. R. Hortonne has found a more innovative solution: investing in classroom space. “The economy is rough right now, and I’m not exactly interested in working in fast food, y’know?” said Hortonne in a recent interview. “I …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Weed is not what you think!

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

If you’re thinking about smoking marijuana for the first time, heed my words. It’s nothing like the movies. Recently, I gave into my curiosity and put that dangerous green succubus to my lips for the first time. I thought that as soon as I inhaled, I’d be whisked away to …

Letter Campaign from the Good Christian Mothers of America

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

It is clear that Carnegie Melongene University's array of sensual dining options are corrupting our dear, sensitive, children. We call upon the University to, at once, rectify and/or remove these lewd establishments from campus.

- Sara X., Board of Erectors

Hey, so I was putting these in Google …

How to Spice Things Up in the Kitchen

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Is cooking just not as exciting as it used to be? Has your gas burner lost its spark? Around halfway through the semester, every upperclassman staying in their own apartment starts to get tired of making their own meals. You might think that there’s nothing new to explore, and that …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

We don't need to talk

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

)lease, sit down, make yourself at home. What am I making tonight? It's nothing much, just a beef bourguignon with short ribs, oxtail, and chuck roast, with some shallots, carrots, celery, and cremini mushrooms. Oh, and the jus is made from the braising liquid, just Beaulieu Vineyard cabernet sauvignon and …

Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A chart with divorce winnings decided by a 6-sided die roll. 1 is the car keys, 2 is silverware set, 3 is grandpa's urn, 4 is racist memorabilia, 5 is whiskey collection, and 6 is THE HOUSE!!!

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Is the trend towards minimialism bad?

By 2 anonymous writers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Point

Bartholomew Thistlewick

Minimalism has its place in artistic movements, there is no doubt that some of the most influential art works of modern times were inspired by minimalism; one need not look further than the works of Yves Klein to see this. But minimalism is not content …

Readme Joins Fight Against Global Warming on Side of Global Warming

By Jonathan Wang • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

The Shell oil company's logo, with Readme written in place of the wordmark Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.

“It’s because of all the crude oil we’re buying”. She says.

Crude oil, which is $1.70 per gallon at the time of writing this article, has recently seen …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

If only OJ had gone to CMU...

// Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Stupid Baby Rabbits Keep Ruining My Brooding

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Rabbit populations follow boom-bust cycles, and the Pittsburgh rabbit sex market is at an all time high. This wreaks havoc on native plants, spreads disease, and takes away from my most enjoyable hobby: being miserable. Sometimes I walk around Westinghouse pond and contemplate drowning myself in two feet of water …

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

Crime Report Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Institutional vandalism, criminal trespass, receiving stolen property: 3/10

Report dubious at best. They claim that a non-affiliate broke into the Mellon Institute and caused damage to property owned by Carnegie Mellon. First of all, there’s no person in the world named Carnegie Mellon, and if there is, we need …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

Readme gets divorced

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

The Tri-Wheelers of Pittsburgh

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

August 16th, 2026

I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. …

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

Readme Studies Abroad

By Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

What are they carrying to the sky?

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • CMU announces tuition freeze, students to keep paying forever • Linguists invent new slur for couples • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • Rest in Peace Buddy • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • Remember to tip your TAs! • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • CMU announces tuition freeze, students to keep paying forever • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • Rest in Peace Buddy • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • Remember to tip your TAs! • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals