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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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So you want to TA a class

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

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"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

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Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

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Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

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SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

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CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

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CMU Missed Connection

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

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Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

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Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?

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Readme Reads the Paper

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An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

The Hunt

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

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A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

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CaPS announces new mental health app

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

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A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

CMU Finals rife with cheating

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

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Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

Scobell House is currently the only all­-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-­male dormitory to an all­-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

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A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)

Help Wanted: Password Guesses

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

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"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]
A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.
SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Lube offered for Wean holes • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Lube offered for Wean holes. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum.