Paid for by: Generations of Dog Breeding

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Sells Out

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

Some finals traditions!

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]

B • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

CMU confers Class of '28 Dogbreeding License onto unidentified, dashing Readme staffer

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

By Enu [redacted] • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

Winning the War on Christmas

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.

Reid Starzl • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

CaPS announces new mental health app

By Dr. Dee Pression • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

A modern dialectic of oppression

By Reyzl Limenesser • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Candidates for a 51st State

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

Readme gets divorced

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery

By Dr. Evil • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.

Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various …

A College Student's Guide to saving money

By Lord Duke His Majesty Higglebottoms • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

By "Tyan Rosh" & Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

By House Plant • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

Remember to tip your TAs! • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Gelt still more real than crypto • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • King Charles III to consider castling • Tenth dentist speaks out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Remember to tip your TAs! • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • King Charles III to consider castling • Tenth dentist speaks out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again.