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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

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A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)
"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]
An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.
A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

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A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."
A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

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Readme Crime Report

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

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A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

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Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

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A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

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A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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[TODO]

Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

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An illustration of a stick figure being attacked by the Scotty dog in the CMU logo, captioned "beware feral scottie dogs."
"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]
Kanye up to something • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Gelt still more real than crypto • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Kanye up to something • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies