Paid for by: Suspicious plants we're growing in the Stever basement.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

Crime Report Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Institutional vandalism, criminal trespass, receiving stolen property: 3/10

Report dubious at best. They claim that a non-affiliate broke into the Mellon Institute and caused damage to property owned by Carnegie Mellon. First of all, there’s no person in the world named Carnegie Mellon, and if there is, we need …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

The Hammer-Nail Conundrum

// Violet Connor • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Good news!

// Violet Connor • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Really makes you think.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The kids are alright.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

Ranking CMU's presidents

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

Air Conditioner • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Duo Push Goes Rogue

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

"New study abroad program announced: Hell. Contact your advisor to apply today!" [image of Farnam Jahanian shaking hands with the devil, surrounded by flames] "*Tepper stuents will receive priority"

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A grayscale picture of a smiling dog captioned "Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

If Celsius doesn't work, maybe this can fix me.

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

Are You a Lazy Bitch? Automating Your Human Interaction With Claude

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Being a mediocre friend takes a lot of work. Is some dumb bitch blowing up your phone, asking inane questions like “are you free this weekend?” or if you “want to grab a drink :)”? Do you have a friend incapable of getting the hint that you do like them, …

Claude's Plan

By Duigi Amodei • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

Scotty's Obituary

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Scotty Dog passed away on the night of August 25th from the terrible disease of two bullets to the side of the head. She was born in 2007 in Calgary, Canada to two Scottish Terriers who are both deeply mourning her passing. In 2008, the family decided Pittsburgh would be …

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • CMU community agrees not to do anything worth reporting on until Tartan ready to publish month into semester • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Readme needs another editor • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • CMU community agrees not to do anything worth reporting on until Tartan ready to publish month into semester • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Readme needs another editor. • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat.