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KGB Presents: readme
Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World


Stealing at Stack'd: A Guide

Stack’d Underground is, on most nights, a thriving center of off duty student activity. Many regular joes are here to grab a quick bite or chat with their classmates. But for enterprising CMU students like me and you, this is also the perfect opportunity to make a quick dime without …

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Morewood Gardens Undergoes Revitalization

It is no secret that the dorms at CMU have some... issues. Such a thing is to be expected for a college struggling to obtain adequate funding, but the students over at Morewood Gardens have been putting great effort into revitalizing their home.

This effort first began with the …

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A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

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Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

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A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."
"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

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CMU Missed Connection

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

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Christmas tips for children of divorce

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

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Readme Wins Gold

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Stupid Baby Rabbits Keep Ruining My Brooding

Rabbit populations follow boom-bust cycles, and the Pittsburgh rabbit sex market is at an all time high. This wreaks havoc on native plants, spreads disease, and takes away from my most enjoyable hobby: being miserable. Sometimes I walk around Westinghouse pond and contemplate drowning myself in two feet of water …

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README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …

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Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

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Crossword Corner

Across

  1. Animal that meows

Down

  1. Automobile

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Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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Warning

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Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

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What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

…

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Duo Push Goes Rogue

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

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Anti-Oughtiplus Sex

Halfpast hush, window rainrattled, the lampwick whispering made a little sun of her undone cuff. May I? Me: aye: wristward, thurstward, tictactile, hisher pulse and the twobeat beast becoming, tictactile. Grab!tation: now a conjugal third.

[He’s barely grabbed her wrist?! At this pace, we’ll need a second issue for …

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Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Strip District not what student expected • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • If you do what you love (quitting your job), you'll never work a day in your life • Rest in Peace Buddy • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Tartan's exit poll flummoxed by international student votes • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Strip District not what student expected. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • If you do what you love (quitting your job), you'll never work a day in your life • Rest in Peace Buddy • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Tartan's exit poll flummoxed by international student votes. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report.