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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Wins Gold


CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

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The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the shittiest slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

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Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

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README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery

With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.

Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various …

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CMU to host the Olympic Games

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

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ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

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Medieval era Comedy Manuscript found

Archeologists in northern Greece have recently unearthed a seemingly comedy-themed manuscript dating back to the 6th century. Found during the excavation of the famed Skibo monastery, the manuscript was titled PreachMe and included articles poking fun at everything from strange-looking icons to priest pet peeves. PreachMe appears to have …

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Carnegie Crime Report

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

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Readme Gets Deployed

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BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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This Week In Bears

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

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A Letter from the Editor

I was on break :)

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SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

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A College Student's Guide to saving money

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

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Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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Welcome to Pittsburgh!

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

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Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

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Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

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CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

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Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

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Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

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President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage