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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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CMU to host the Olympic Games

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).
A handwriting worksheet for the letter C, labeled "C is for Carnegie Mellon", bearing the official CMU stamp.

Thieving Mice

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

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CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

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An Open Letter to the CMU community

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

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Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

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An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

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A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

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SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

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A fun spin on a popular childhood game

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

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An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

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Readme Wins Gold

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Readme Takes A Sick Day

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A picture of Farnam Jahanian in cool glasses drinking something from a bottle. It's captioned "make this Carnival an event you won't remember," followed by a logo saying "everclear."
An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

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Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

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So you've heard of 122?

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

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Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

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Poetry Corner

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …

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Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

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CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • Remember to tip your TAs! • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Linguists invent new slur for couples • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • I met Santa Claus, she's black • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • Remember to tip your TAs! • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • I met Santa Claus, she's black.