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KGB Presents: readme
Editor in Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Saturdays at 5:00 pm, Doherty Hall room 1117

Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

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Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

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SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

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CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

…

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CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

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How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • OpenAI introduces AI­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Meta­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­week students • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner •