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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

They will greet us as sexual liberators

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …

Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

By Stella Cedar & Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

By Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

Best clubs for returning freshmen

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

Interview with a recent grad

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.

Could you …

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

O-Week Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Rabbi hot?! • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Rabbi hot?! • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M.