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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

We need to talk.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Local Duck • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Readme Election Corner (2024)

By Political Correspondent™ • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

By Chatman GuPerT • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

Introducing Tall Booth

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

By O’Connall Haytier • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

"How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

EADME CIME EPOT

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • How to tell if your ice sculptures are ethically sourced • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Anatomy class adds study inside component • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Gelt still more real than crypto • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • How to tell if your ice sculptures are ethically sourced. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants"