Paid for by: Mugging Carolers and stealing from Santa

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Confessions of the Fence Eater

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side …

Everything not on your ABP Everything Bagel

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

I asked for a bagel with everything on it, a coffee and apple to go,

They looked at me funny, like hey, little buddy, there’s something that you didn’t know:

It comes with the sesame, salmon and chili, and maybe a dollop of cheese,

But missing some …

Citron & Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.

“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

"Crowbar"

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Thieving Mice

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

…

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

On the Four Questions

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …

CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"

Citron • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "

"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

O-Week Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

Argumentative Essay

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

A Very Readme Christmas

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor-in-Chief • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor-in-Chief • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed.