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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

By Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

Scotty Dog missed you. So did we, if you even care about that.

// Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried …

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

I Hate Baker-Porter

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

By Citron & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

What is MIT

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

…

An Open Letter to CaPS

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

A College Student's Guide to saving money

By Lord Duke His Majesty Higglebottoms • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

"I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Gelt still more real than crypto • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • All of Science wrong. Oops • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • All of Science wrong. Oops. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many”