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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Campus Activity Report

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

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Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

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Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

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Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

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"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

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A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.
A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

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Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

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The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

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Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man

Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble …

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First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?

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Feng Shui to make you forget them

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

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Do you want to hear a joke?

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

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Fruity Take on CMU Housing

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

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An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."
A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.
Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Gelt still more real than crypto • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing?