Paid for by: Death, Laundry, and Taxes

Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Married in Vegas %

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada - In the middle of the American desert stands a glittering glass oasis. Baking by day, shining by night, this is the crown of industrial society’s indulgences. Here you can find lovers, gamblers, thrill seekers, and the modern synthesis thereof: competitive relationship speedrunners.

We find ourselves …

Professionalism in Sexting

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Half of you complain about all the horrible new things the youth are up to, and half of you are mad about what they’re not doing. Not one of you ever thinks about what they’re still doing, but doing completely wrong. Sexting has been the cornerstone of our culture for …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

We don't need to talk

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Please, sit down, make yourself at home. What am I making tonight? It's nothing much, just a beef bourguignon with short ribs, oxtail, and chuck roast, with some shallots, carrots, celery, and cremini mushrooms. Oh, and the jus is made from the braising liquid, just Beaulieu Vineyard cabernet sauvignon and …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IX: Goodwill Hunting

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

I had never intended to be a wicked woman. Indeed, wickedness had always struck me as exhausting: between the disposal of bodies, conversations in loathsome cellars, and the obligation to remember which lies one has told which person, it’s a wonder anyone chooses to pursue it at all! My ambition …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Watch a putdown artist in action

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Picture this: you go to the bar on a Friday night, and all the girls there are having a great time. They’re laughing, dancing, maybe even falling in love. Disgusting. There’s nothing worse than watching a woman have fun at the bar. Luckily for humanity, I’ve dedicated my life to …

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

Steam Tunnels Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Air Conditioner • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

A hiring ad for Dr. Et al's lab, for the following projects: rice frying without shrimp assistance, what happens if you drink liquid nitrogen?, investigation of the application of dirt as a culinary seasoning, linguisitic analysis of "skibidi Ohio Rizz", and correlating cute pitbull names with their likeliness to main children. If interested, it says to contact by carrier pigeon at "cooo cooo coooooo, coooo, cooo cooo."

Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Some wonder if this might be too much for one student. Others look for a class to fill in that pesky Friday lunch break

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

For all the people who decided to change their gender over break, here's a handy dandy spinner to pick a new name!

// Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

By Benner Rogers & Johnny Truant • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Tri-Wheelers of Pittsburgh

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

August 16th, 2026

I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. …

Stupid Baby Rabbits Keep Ruining My Brooding

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Rabbit populations follow boom-bust cycles, and the Pittsburgh rabbit sex market is at an all time high. This wreaks havoc on native plants, spreads disease, and takes away from my most enjoyable hobby: being miserable. Sometimes I walk around Westinghouse pond and contemplate drowning myself in two feet of water …

New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

A Freshman's Guide to Communal Bathroom Etiquette • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Pregnancy test returns “see me after class.” • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • A Freshman's Guide to Communal Bathroom Etiquette • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Pregnancy test returns “see me after class.” • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration