Readme Wins Gold

My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats