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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Do Your Part. Buy Meal Blocks

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

A Short History of CMU

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

CMU came into being when the eponymous Andrew Carnegie discovered Doherty, Porter, and Baker Halls during an excavation while preparing for the construction of a new US Bureau of Mines building. Modern archaeologists have been unable to conclusively pinpoint their age, though the pale Kittanning bricks certainly predate homo sapiens. …

Let us take a few things from your plate

// joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Image showing a smiling Sen. McConnell entering a box with a radioactive source and poison, Schrodiner's-cat style.

Good Luck, Senator McConnell!

// Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

The War on South Craig Street

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

A Disease for Every Department

By README • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

[TODO]

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

An Open Letter to the CMU community

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Where to buy Adderall on campus

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Thieving Mice

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

Readme Retraces Its Steps

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Grey O'Hara • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

An Open Letter to CaPS

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • CMU student folds up into a cube and powers down • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • CMU student folds up into a cube and powers down • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death