Paid for by: Carlos's Print Quota(cuz Student Senate is a buncha nerds)
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Read more

Stop asking where I'm from

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

Read more


On the Four Questions

First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …

Read more

A Letter from the Editor

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

Read more

Inside ReadMe Legal

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

Read more

CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

Read more

CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

Read more

README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

Read more

An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."
A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

  1. So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
  2. Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
  3. Oh she does? What's paper mache?
  4. Oh god holy shit oh fuck
  5. No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

Read more

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

Warning

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

Read more

The Hunt

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

Read more

‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating

February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.

“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …

Read more

Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

Read more

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

Read more

Christmas tips for children of divorce

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

Read more

To My 8 A.M.s:

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

Read more

Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

Read more

Help Wanted: Password Guesses

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

Read more

I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

Read more

A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"
A booth which is standing on large chicken legs.

A Letter from the Editor

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

Read more

Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • I met Santa Claus, she's black • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Megachurch forms PokéStop • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Anatomy class adds study inside component • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Megachurch forms PokéStop • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model.