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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Traffic Calming Solution

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Traffic Calming Solution

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Interwar Update

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

History's first booth

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

A grayscale picture of a smiling dog captioned "Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Thieving Mice

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

Do you want to hear a joke?

By Sidewalk Bro • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Readme Election Corner (2024)

By Political Correspondent™ • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

The early worm has a far less rosy outlook

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Hungry?

By author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • Remember to tip your TAs! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport. • Remember to tip your TAs! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model.