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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A Day in the Life at CMU Miami

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension …

Nursing homes begin to accept new senior patients

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With CMU in the top 15 of the US News National Universities Rankings, students are looking for ways to leverage their school’s newfound reputation to prepare for the post-college lives. “Before, I was worried I’d have to live out my final days in the eighth best nursing home in my …

The kids are alright.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Crossword Corner

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

Animal that meows

Down

Automobile

Readme has hired world's funniest baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Here at ReadMe, we’re hip with the youth. That’s why we make sure to give equal opportunity to comedians of all ages. And well, earlier this week, we found some truly outstanding talent: the funniest baby ever.

Herbert, 0 years old, was born with an innate knack for comedy …

Is the trend towards minimialism bad?

By 2 anonymous writers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Point

Bartholomew Thistlewick

Minimalism has its place in artistic movements, there is no doubt that some of the most influential art works of modern times were inspired by minimalism; one need not look further than the works of Yves Klein to see this. But minimalism is not content …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Some wonder if this might be too much for one student. Others look for a class to fill in that pesky Friday lunch break

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Poetry Corner

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

[Picture of a dog begging] "Begging lessons from the pros: pay off your student loans, scam old people, get yummy food, pass your exams! The possibilities are endless!!! Contact via dog whistle TODAY"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.

"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Naturally, the Italian military was keen to establish outposts in the area

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

"Crowbar"

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

Covellite Dove • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Readme Election Corner (2024)

By Political Correspondent™ • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A Novel Approach to Union Busting

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hardworking American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Gelt still more real than crypto • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Rabbi hot?! • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Gelt still more real than crypto. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Rabbi hot?! • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along?