Readme Gets Absurd

Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Rabbi hot?! • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Rabbi hot?! • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is.