Paid for by: Generations of Dog Breeding

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

Is the trend towards minimialism bad?

By 2 anonymous writers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Point

Bartholomew Thistlewick

Minimalism has its place in artistic movements, there is no doubt that some of the most influential art works of modern times were inspired by minimalism; one need not look further than the works of Yves Klein to see this. But minimalism is not content …

Really makes you think.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Rules are for fools

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”

One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

The Hammer-Nail Conundrum

// Violet Connor • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Autie README Jr.

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Fridged: I need your help. I was exploring the world with my mouth (don’t judge me, sensorimotor things) when I happened upon the coolest-looking magnet in the known universe. It was perfectly gullet-sized, so I had no choice but to pop it in there. One thing led to another and …

The kids are alright.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

…

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Feng Shui for ruining your life

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating

By Jeremiah Cornelius Penname XXVII • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.

“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

"Crowbar"

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

This Dog got into CMU with a 1100 SAT

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

“I didn’t really want to go to MIT anyways. I just feel like their campus culture wouldn’t have suited me,” explains 17 year old Basset Hound Elvis Johnson. “But CMU’s got these Tartan traditions, and, you know, that kind of thing. I think it was my number one choice, actually.”

…

Jupiter • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve …

End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Anatomy class adds study inside component • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers.