Paid for by: All that filthy, filthy, sponsorship money

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

Is the trend towards minimialism bad?

By 2 anonymous writers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Point

Bartholomew Thistlewick

Minimalism has its place in artistic movements, there is no doubt that some of the most influential art works of modern times were inspired by minimalism; one need not look further than the works of Yves Klein to see this. But minimalism is not content …

Do it.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

CMU rankings rise after James takes leave of absence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The CMU community has a lot to celebrate this week, after US News and World Report moved Carnegie Mellon up seven spots on their college rankings from #21 to #14. School administrators are throwing parties, tour guides are updating their scripts, and Tartans everywhere are spitting on the graves of …

CIT condemns new campus: “bridge between pittsburgh and miami” totally impractical

// Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

The Tri-Wheelers of Pittsburgh

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

August 16th, 2026

I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. …

Citron & Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

A Disease for Every Department

By README • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

By 3 Serif Fonts in a Trench Coat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

…

Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

MLM vs MLM vs MLM: Everything YOU need to know

By Benner Rogers & Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

The modern world is filled with confusing new acronyms, and it seems like more crop up every day. The most insidious example is “MLM”, an amorphous concept that no person seems to truly understand and which appears to shift meaning with no regard to context.

I speak, of course, …

A PSA to check the CO detectors

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to …

An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

A second market opened: What even is this project?!

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

CMU confers Class of '28 Dogbreeding License onto unidentified, dashing Readme staffer

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

For all the people who decided to change their gender over break, here's a handy dandy spinner to pick a new name!

// Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Rules are for fools

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”

One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

"Drowning in tuition debt? Ready to win big!? CMU is proud to announce that students now have the option to "Double or Nothing" their tuition!" [photo of Warner Hall with large "CASINO" letters]

Kevin Song & Samson Rozansky • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

An ultrasound showing a crumpled up piece of newspaper.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Duo Push Goes Rogue

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

You could be sledding right now, but you're not • Megachurch forms PokéStop • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Child of prophecy destined from birth to attend CMU rejects fate • Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Speech therapist pronounced dead • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • Megachurch forms PokéStop • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Child of prophecy destined from birth to attend CMU rejects fate. • Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Speech therapist pronounced dead.