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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A Day in the Life at CMU Miami

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension …

Is the trend towards minimialism bad?

By 2 anonymous writers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Point

Bartholomew Thistlewick

Minimalism has its place in artistic movements, there is no doubt that some of the most influential art works of modern times were inspired by minimalism; one need not look further than the works of Yves Klein to see this. But minimalism is not content …

CIT condemns new campus: “bridge between pittsburgh and miami” totally impractical

// Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Tartans DEMOLISH Sacred Heart Elementary in Triumphant Victory

By Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

After the nail-biting game against Central Catholic High School, as reported on by the Tartan, our Boys in Red decided to set their sights even higher. It’s safe to say that those disgraceful chumps at Sacred Heart Catholic Elementary School were wholly unprepared for such a display of raw …

Student Tells All: Internship at Anduril

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With fall break on the horizon, it's safe to say that we've fully settled into the semester. Yet, I still get people bringing up my summer internship at Anduril. That was two whole months ago! Most often, the people who bring it up are just classmates who want to find …

Morewood Gardens Daycare Bi-annual Hazing Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Cyert Center for Early Education
Biannual Hazing Report
1060 Morewood Avenue,
Morewood Gardens building
Reporting Period: 05/08/2026 to 09/07/2026
Date of Publication: 09/23/2026

Report 1 of 2

SUBJECT: Boys Pod A
REPORTED: 11/1/2024
DATE CHARGED: 05/10/2026
DATE RESOLVED: 05/23/2026

Description: CMU Ethics Reporting hotline received an anonymous …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

By Tack Layshun • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Autie README Jr.

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Fridged: I need your help. I was exploring the world with my mouth (don’t judge me, sensorimotor things) when I happened upon the coolest-looking magnet in the known universe. It was perfectly gullet-sized, so I had no choice but to pop it in there. One thing led to another and …

The Death of a CFA Grass Farmer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The barren time comes every year and we are never ready. No matter how hard we labor, our stores only dwindle. Futility strokes my dingus with her cold hands, never granting me the mercy of release. We cannot outwork the famine. We cannot outrun the tent.

It comes every …

Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

By Enu [redacted] • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A modern dialectic of oppression

By Reyzl Limenesser • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Spot the difference!

// Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

A second market opened: What even is this project?!

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

A College Student's Guide to saving money

By Lord Duke His Majesty Higglebottoms • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Proposal for a new meme

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Recently, I have noticed an uptick in discussion of the upcoming “Grand Theft Auto VI” video game, particularly in a humorous manner. Every time I visit social media platforms on the Internet, users make jokes about the various goods and services released onto the consumer market (or notable occurrences) before …

Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model.