Readme Wins Gold

I met Santa Claus, she's black • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • King Charles III to consider castling • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • King Charles III to consider castling • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives.