Paid for by: the Deep State, the Illuminati, and all other shadow organizations. Except Student Senate tho.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

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A Lamborghini ad showing a positive trend between employee wages and satisfaction next to a picture of an office worker in front of a Lamborghini. The bottom reads "the choice is yours."

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

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An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)

Readme Takes A Sick Day

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Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

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Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

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A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Welcome to Pittsburgh!

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

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ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

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An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

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An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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Medieval era Comedy Manuscript found

Archeologists in northern Greece have recently unearthed a seemingly comedy-themed manuscript dating back to the 6th century. Found during the excavation of the famed Skibo monastery, the manuscript was titled PreachMe and included articles poking fun at everything from strange-looking icons to priest pet peeves. PreachMe appears to have …

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A Very Readme Christmas

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Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

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Recruiting poster with an Uncle Sam with Farnam Jahanian's face. It says "I want YOU for README. Nearest recruiting station: [outdated pitch meeting location]. By: the CMU KGB"

Feng Shui for ruining your life

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

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A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

So you're on a couple waitlists

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

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Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • Nudist Revolution on Campus, 30% of campus disrobes • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • Nudist Revolution on Campus, 30% of campus disrobes • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children.