Paid for by: The Good Christian Mothers of America, Inc.

Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Married in Vegas %

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada - In the middle of the American desert stands a glittering glass oasis. Baking by day, shining by night, this is the crown of industrial society’s indulgences. Here you can find lovers, gamblers, thrill seekers, and the modern synthesis thereof: competitive relationship speedrunners.

We find ourselves …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IX: Goodwill Hunting

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

I had never intended to be a wicked woman. Indeed, wickedness had always struck me as exhausting: between the disposal of bodies, conversations in loathsome cellars, and the obligation to remember which lies one has told which person, it’s a wonder anyone chooses to pursue it at all! My ambition …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Watch a putdown artist in action

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Picture this: you go to the bar on a Friday night, and all the girls there are having a great time. They’re laughing, dancing, maybe even falling in love. Disgusting. There’s nothing worse than watching a woman have fun at the bar. Luckily for humanity, I’ve dedicated my life to …

Weed is not what you think!

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

If you’re thinking about smoking marijuana for the first time, heed my words. It’s nothing like the movies. Recently, I gave into my curiosity and put that dangerous green succubus to my lips for the first time. I thought that as soon as I inhaled, I’d be whisked away to …

Buttering up your TA

By Vodka Limet • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Buttered Up Teaching Assistant

6 lbs butter, cubed

3 bunches parsley

20 tsp vinegar

134lb Teaching Assistant

½ cup plum jam

43 green onions, sliced

6 cups soy sauce

Anti-Oughtiplus Sex

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Halfpast hush, window rainrattled, the lampwick whispering made a little sun of her undone cuff. May I? Me: aye: wristward, thurstward, tictactile, hisher pulse and the twobeat beast becoming, tictactile. Grab!tation: now a conjugal third.

[He’s barely grabbed her wrist?! At this pace, we’ll need a second issue for …

How to keep your long distance relationship sex-free!

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Dear my savoriest bao bun,

My dearest darling bun, we are just two weeks away from Labor Day weekend. I am certain that I am just as excited for Labor Day weekend to come as I suspect you would be. Since I left you to fend for myself in …

Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

By I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

Argumentative Essay

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

What are they carrying to the sky?

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

By A. Axolotl • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Good news!

// Violet Connor • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

[Picture of a dog in a santa hat] "George Michael wishes you a Very Readme Christmas!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

FAST and RAW Romance Advice

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate. …

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

By Elliot Rice • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

Can you find Waldo?

// Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CMU announces tuition freeze, students to keep paying forever • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Linguists invent new slur for couples • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CMU announces tuition freeze, students to keep paying forever • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you.