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KGB Presents: readme
Editor in Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Saturdays at 5:00 pm, Doherty Hall room 1117

Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

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Top 10 Tops

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera …

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Readme Communists Exposed!

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

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People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

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Auntie Readme's Advice Column

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

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Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

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SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

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Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • How to feng shui your killdozer • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Statue of Liberty deported. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept •