Paid for by: CSB in its efforts to control the competition

Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Activities Board to bring back Sex Week

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

AB is bringing back its premier event: Sex Week! Originally hosted jointly by the Women's Center and AB Special Events, AB has since divorced the Women's Center and is now uniting with the esteemed Kenneth C. Griffin School of Computer Science. In the spirit of this sacred union, AB will …

CMU student invests in classroom real estate

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 3, 2026

While most students are worried about saving money for their futures, Tepper student D. R. Hortonne has found a more innovative solution: investing in classroom space. “The economy is rough right now, and I’m not exactly interested in working in fast food, y’know?” said Hortonne in a recent interview. “I …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

I read ReadMe for the pornography

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IX: Goodwill Hunting

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Ihad never intended to be a wicked woman. Indeed, wickedness had always struck me as exhausting: between the disposal of bodies, conversations in loathsome cellars, and the obligation to remember which lies one has told which person, it’s a wonder anyone chooses to pursue it at all! My ambition following …

Watch a putdown artist in action

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Picture this: you go to the bar on a Friday night, and all the girls there are having a great time. They’re laughing, dancing, maybe even falling in love. Disgusting. There’s nothing worse than watching a woman have fun at the bar. Luckily for humanity, I’ve dedicated my life to …

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

By Pennsylvania Jones • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

History's first booth

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

Nursing homes begin to accept new senior patients

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With CMU in the top 15 of the US News National Universities Rankings, students are looking for ways to leverage their school’s newfound reputation to prepare for the post-college lives. “Before, I was worried I’d have to live out my final days in the eighth best nursing home in my …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

CMU confers Class of '28 Dogbreeding License onto unidentified, dashing Readme staffer

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Christmas tips for children of divorce

By Inverse Parental Alienator • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

MLM vs MLM vs MLM: Everything YOU need to know

By Benner Rogers & Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

The modern world is filled with confusing new acronyms, and it seems like more crop up every day. The most insidious example is “MLM”, an amorphous concept that no person seems to truly understand and which appears to shift meaning with no regard to context.

I speak, of course, …

Weed is not what you think!

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

If you’re thinking about smoking marijuana for the first time, heed my words. It’s nothing like the movies. Recently, I gave into my curiosity and put that dangerous green succubus to my lips for the first time. I thought that as soon as I inhaled, I’d be whisked away to …

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
Oh she does? What's paper mache?
Oh god holy shit oh fuck
No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

Stupid Baby Rabbits Keep Ruining My Brooding

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Rabbit populations follow boom-bust cycles, and the Pittsburgh rabbit sex market is at an all time high. This wreaks havoc on native plants, spreads disease, and takes away from my most enjoyable hobby: being miserable. Sometimes I walk around Westinghouse pond and contemplate drowning myself in two feet of water …

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

A photograph of a dog wearing a tie. Above the dog is text saying "George Michael welcomes you back...TO HELL!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

This Dog got into CMU with a 1100 SAT

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

“I didn’t really want to go to MIT anyways. I just feel like their campus culture wouldn’t have suited me,” explains 17 year old Basset Hound Elvis Johnson. “But CMU’s got these Tartan traditions, and, you know, that kind of thing. I think it was my number one choice, actually.”

…

A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Readme needs another editor • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • We hid six grammatical errors in this magazine. Find them all to win a prize • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Readme needs another editor. • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • We hid six grammatical errors in this magazine. Find them all to win a prize. • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel