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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Read more


Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

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A Letter from the Editor

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

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A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

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Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

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Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

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A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

PITTSBURGH, Pa. ­ The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twenty­five p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

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I Fucking Hate the 54

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest trans­rights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

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A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Carnegie Mellon Updates Enrollment Contract, Since Nobody Reads Those Things Anyway: Here are Some of the Details

In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of …

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Homework Trouble

Dear Professor Choset,

I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and …

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October 29, 1929: "Block Tuesday" Leaves Freshmen Destitute

At Carnegie Mellon University, the end of the 1920s saw unprecedented financial ruin for many first-year students. The meal-block economy had crescendoed throughout the decade, with blocks selling for a whopping 50% of their original worth. Unfortunately, this lucrative exchange could not last forever. The block market imploded, wiping out …

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"HELP WANTED! I'm trapped inside this newspaper listing and can't get out. It's been weeks. I miss my family. Will pay any amount necesary for rescue. Call (412) 268-2323" [image of a man with his hands pressed against the fourth wall"

Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

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A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."
A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

CMU Finals rife with cheating

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

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An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

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"READ ME presents: Tear-Off Universal Final Cheat Sheets™ (Patent Pending) © ®" [a rectangle with 16 pages of illegibly dense text, surrounded by dashed tear lines]

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

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On the Four Questions

First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …

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You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Gelt still more real than crypto • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death