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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

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A 122 ed post called "Rizz algorithms" in which the student has pasted their dating profile (and League of Legends/Genshin username, For3verG00ner). Iliano replies "Good luck in your romantic endeavors! Dont get any AIVs!"

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

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A College Student's Guide to saving money

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

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Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

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CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

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CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

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Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

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Claude's Plan

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

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Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

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An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

Feng Shui for ruining your life

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

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A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

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CMU Missed Connection

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

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A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]

Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

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Students assign professors work in novel education plan

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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What is Sex? An Investigative Account

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

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Readme Gets Absurd

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A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

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A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Rabbi hot?! • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Rabbi hot?! • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective