Readme Gets Absurd

Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses