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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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KGB Presents: BabyMe


Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

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AI not human enough for me to abuse it

Dear Sam Altman,

As a small business owner, I'm looking for ways to optimize my repair shop to maximize profits. Sure, Felipe, Turner, and Pat slaving away for minimum wage is nice, but these woke liberals want minimum wage to be “livable”. How am I supposed to live if …

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Image showing a smiling Sen. McConnell entering a box with a radioactive source and poison, Schrodiner's-cat style.

CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

…

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People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

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On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

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Tartans DEMOLISH Sacred Heart Elementary in Triumphant Victory

After the nail­-biting game against Central Catholic High School, as reported on by the Tartan, our Boys in Red decided to set their sights even higher. It’s safe to say that those disgraceful chumps at Sacred Heart Catholic Elementary School were wholly unprepared for such a display of raw …

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Another Night in Pittsburgh

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

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I wrote this article while sober

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

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Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

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Carnegie Crime Report

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

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Proposal for a new meme

Recently, I have noticed an uptick in discussion of the upcoming “Grand Theft Auto VI” video game, particularly in a humorous manner. Every time I visit social media platforms on the Internet, users make jokes about the various goods and services released onto the consumer market (or notable occurrences) before …

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Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"
A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - ­it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

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A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Beloved Football Chants At CMU

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

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Some Popular Books

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

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Traffic Calming Solution

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

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School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

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Readme Crime Report

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

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Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • Naughty List leaked • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Lube offered for Wean holes • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Courses begin offering premium access to TA's unfiltered remarks • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • Naughty List leaked. • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Lube offered for Wean holes. • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Courses begin offering premium access to TA's unfiltered remarks • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave