Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • I met Santa Claus, she's black • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • King Charles III to consider castling • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • King Charles III to consider castling • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia
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A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …
In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …