Readme Wins Gold

Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Gelt still more real than crypto • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • King Charles III to consider castling • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Statue of Liberty deported • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • King Charles III to consider castling • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Statue of Liberty deported. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher