Paid for by: Foreign assets, illegal wire transfers, and money order

Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Married in Vegas %

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada - In the middle of the American desert stands a glittering glass oasis. Baking by day, shining by night, this is the crown of industrial society’s indulgences. Here you can find lovers, gamblers, thrill seekers, and the modern synthesis thereof: competitive relationship speedrunners.

We find ourselves …

CMU student invests in classroom real estate

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 3, 2026

While most students are worried about saving money for their futures, Tepper student D. R. Hortonne has found a more innovative solution: investing in classroom space. “The economy is rough right now, and I’m not exactly interested in working in fast food, y’know?” said Hortonne in a recent interview. “I …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IX: Goodwill Hunting

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

I had never intended to be a wicked woman. Indeed, wickedness had always struck me as exhausting: between the disposal of bodies, conversations in loathsome cellars, and the obligation to remember which lies one has told which person, it’s a wonder anyone chooses to pursue it at all! My ambition …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

A modern dialectic of oppression

By Reyzl Limenesser • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

Anti Anti Aging Cream

By Handy Manny & Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

Fence demolished in zoning dispute

By Benner Rogers & Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Where to buy Adderall on campus

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

Readme Sells Out

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

They will greet us as sexual liberators

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

A Freshman's Guide to Staying Healthy

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Congratulations on starting your first year at Carnegie Mellon! Now that you’re in college, you can’t rely on your parents to keep you alive anymore. You have to get your own food, look after your own wellbeing, and avoid locking yourself in a hot car while you buy cigarettes. It’s …

Argumentative Essay

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • King Charles III to consider castling • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • PSA: Glue is not safe to eat for vegans • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • We hid six grammatical errors in this magazine. Find them all to win a prize • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • King Charles III to consider castling • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • PSA: Glue is not safe to eat for vegans. • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18. • We hid six grammatical errors in this magazine. Find them all to win a prize.