Paid for by: a marvelous collection of mental hospital escapees, engineers, and the odd english major.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

On the Four Questions

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …

A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

Covellite Dove • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Inside ReadMe Legal

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

…

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Top 10 Tops

By Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera …

Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

readme booth to bring back factory towns

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

A 213 student's guide to the subtle distinction between yaoi and bl

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

If you've taken one of the many Intro to Computer Systems courses (15/18-x13, or 213 for short), you've likely encountered a little thing we in the community call "bl" for short. You've probably also encountered yaoi. Some people argue these are the same thing, while others argue they're completely different, …

Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

A College Student's Guide to saving money

By Lord Duke His Majesty Higglebottoms • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

4 Hacks to get an extension

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Victim Escapes Samsara • Anatomy class adds study inside component • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Victim Escapes Samsara. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports