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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

To My 8 A.M.s:

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

4 Hacks to get an extension

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. …

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

5-Minute Crafts: ECE!

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such …

CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

By "Tyan Rosh" & Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs

By Cindy Gao • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Carnegie Crime Report

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot.