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KGB Presents: readme
Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World


Married in Vegas %

Las Vegas, Nevada - In the middle of the American desert stands a glittering glass oasis. Baking by day, shining by night, this is the crown of industrial society’s indulgences. Here you can find lovers, gamblers, thrill seekers, and the modern synthesis thereof: competitive relationship speedrunners.

We find ourselves …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park IX: Goodwill Hunting

I had never intended to be a wicked woman. Indeed, wickedness had always struck me as exhausting: between the disposal of bodies, conversations in loathsome cellars, and the obligation to remember which lies one has told which person, it’s a wonder anyone chooses to pursue it at all! My ambition …

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We need to talk.

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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Stupid Baby Rabbits Keep Ruining My Brooding

Rabbit populations follow boom-bust cycles, and the Pittsburgh rabbit sex market is at an all time high. This wreaks havoc on native plants, spreads disease, and takes away from my most enjoyable hobby: being miserable. Sometimes I walk around Westinghouse pond and contemplate drowning myself in two feet of water …

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Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

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WALK FASTER

If you have long legs like me, you’ll know there’s an epidemic of slow walkers on this campus. Consider the statue Walking to the Sky. The people in this statue are quite frankly doing it wrong in every way. Where could they possibly be going? Why haven’t any of them …

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Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …

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The Bill of Commandments

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” …

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Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

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Readme Reads the Paper

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KGB "Scav Hunt" data trains AI to assist in ground invasion

A campus event named ‘Scav Hunt’ by the KGB, a student organization, has come under fire after data from the venue was allegedly used to train an AI model, rumoured to potentially assist in a ground invasion of Doherty Hall.

While event-goers reported being "mildly amused” and unsuspicious, likely …

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I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

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"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"
A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]

Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

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Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

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A PSA to check the CO detectors

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to …

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Crystals for home improvement

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

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Horseshoe Theory Finally Useful

Diagram plotting profitability on the y-axis vs. health on the x-axis. It starts high, goes low in the middle, and ends high. Labels from left to right go Glue, Horse Diving, Horse Ballet, Dressage, Horseback Riding, Cavalry, Horse Racing.

Shockingly, the first and only legitimate use of horseshoe theory is actually related to horses. While a horse of medium health may provide companionship and funny videos for Instagram Reels, it's been determined that the optimal horse health for very profitable horse activities is either very low or very …

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Student Tells All: Internship at Anduril

With fall break on the horizon, it's safe to say that we've fully settled into the semester. Yet, I still get people bringing up my summer internship at Anduril. That was two whole months ago! Most often, the people who bring it up are just classmates who want to find …

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Gelt still more real than crypto • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Child of prophecy destined from birth to attend CMU rejects fate • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • King Charles III to consider castling • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Child of prophecy destined from birth to attend CMU rejects fate. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • King Charles III to consider castling • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death