Paid for by: Runoff funds from the Department of War

Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

Married in Vegas %

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada - In the middle of the American desert stands a glittering glass oasis. Baking by day, shining by night, this is the crown of industrial society’s indulgences. Here you can find lovers, gamblers, thrill seekers, and the modern synthesis thereof: competitive relationship speedrunners.

We find ourselves …

Weed is not what you think!

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

If you’re thinking about smoking marijuana for the first time, heed my words. It’s nothing like the movies. Recently, I gave into my curiosity and put that dangerous green succubus to my lips for the first time. I thought that as soon as I inhaled, I’d be whisked away to …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 6 • Nov. 4, 2026

How to Spice Things Up in the Kitchen

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Is cooking just not as exciting as it used to be? Has your gas burner lost its spark? Around halfway through the semester, every upperclassman staying in their own apartment starts to get tired of making their own meals. You might think that there’s nothing new to explore, and that …

Buttering up your TA

By Vodka Limet • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Buttered Up Teaching Assistant

6 lbs butter, cubed

3 bunches parsley

20 tsp vinegar

134lb Teaching Assistant

½ cup plum jam

43 green onions, sliced

6 cups soy sauce

Activities Board to bring back Sex Week

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

AB is bringing back its premier event: Sex Week! Originally hosted jointly by the Women's Center and AB Special Events, AB has since divorced the Women's Center and is now uniting with the esteemed Kenneth C. Griffin School of Computer Science. In the spirit of this sacred union, AB will …

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Anti-Oughtiplus Sex

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 5 • Oct. 28, 2026

Halfpast hush, window rainrattled, the lampwick whispering made a little sun of her undone cuff. May I? Me: aye: wristward, thurstward, tictactile, hisher pulse and the twobeat beast becoming, tictactile. Grab!tation: now a conjugal third.

[He’s barely grabbed her wrist?! At this pace, we’ll need a second issue for …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

It's Gone

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

Horseshoe Theory Finally Useful

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Diagram plotting profitability on the y-axis vs. health on the x-axis. It starts high, goes low in the middle, and ends high. Labels from left to right go Glue, Horse Diving, Horse Ballet, Dressage, Horseback Riding, Cavalry, Horse Racing.

Shockingly, the first and only legitimate use of horseshoe theory is actually related to horses. While a horse of medium health may provide companionship and funny videos for Instagram Reels, it's been determined that the optimal horse health for very profitable horse activities is either very low or very …

An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Viva La Revolution

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

"READ ME presents: Tear-Off Universal Final Cheat Sheets™ (Patent Pending) © ®" [a rectangle with 16 pages of illegibly dense text, surrounded by dashed tear lines]

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

"Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)" [picture of a dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across …

Help Wanted: Password Guesses

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

By Benner Rogers & Johnny Truant • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Polydectes disappointed to learn that quantum oracles not actually an improvement • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Statue of Liberty deported • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 98268: Readme's you should have read by now • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Polydectes disappointed to learn that quantum oracles not actually an improvement. • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Statue of Liberty deported. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 98268: Readme's you should have read by now • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill"