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KGB Presents: readme
Editors-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi, Greeshma Adiga
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

A Brave New World


Stealing at Stack'd: A Guide

Stack’d Underground is, on most nights, a thriving center of off duty student activity. Many regular joes are here to grab a quick bite or chat with their classmates. But for enterprising CMU students like me and you, this is also the perfect opportunity to make a quick dime without …

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Professionalism in Sexting

Half of you complain about all the horrible new things the youth are up to, and half of you are mad about what they’re not doing. Not one of you ever thinks about what they’re still doing, but doing completely wrong. Sexting has been the cornerstone of our culture for …

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I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

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A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

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What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

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If You Don't Read This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog

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Weed is not what you think!

If you’re thinking about smoking marijuana for the first time, heed my words. It’s nothing like the movies. Recently, I gave into my curiosity and put that dangerous green succubus to my lips for the first time. I thought that as soon as I inhaled, I’d be whisked away to …

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A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.
A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."

Readme: Sex Sells

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Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

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President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

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I Hate Baker-Porter

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

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A modern dialectic of oppression

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

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Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

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A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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The Bill of Commandments

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” …

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A Lamborghini ad showing a positive trend between employee wages and satisfaction next to a picture of an office worker in front of a Lamborghini. The bottom reads "the choice is yours."
“I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • How to reject your attractive cousin at Thanksgiving • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • All of Science wrong. Oops • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • How to reject your attractive cousin at Thanksgiving. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • All of Science wrong. Oops. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it