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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

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Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

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Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Love Letters To README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

To My 8 A.M.s:

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

A Very Readme Christmas

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

By A. Axolotl • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

The Hunt

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

Modern technology comes for us all

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus.