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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A Day in the Life at CMU Miami

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension …

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Nursing homes begin to accept new senior patients

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With CMU in the top 15 of the US News National Universities Rankings, students are looking for ways to leverage their school’s newfound reputation to prepare for the post-college lives. “Before, I was worried I’d have to live out my final days in the eighth best nursing home in my …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Really makes you think.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

The kids are alright.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.

“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

A chart with divorce winnings decided by a 6-sided die roll. 1 is the car keys, 2 is silverware set, 3 is grandpa's urn, 4 is racist memorabilia, 5 is whiskey collection, and 6 is THE HOUSE!!!

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Readme Goes to Shul

By B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

By Dr. Et Al. & Emily Jiang • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

A fun spin on a popular childhood game

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

Date Recap With README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

By Chatman GuPerT • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

Readme gets divorced

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs?