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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

I wrote this article while sober

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

Anti Anti Aging Cream

By Handy Manny & Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

Hungry?

By author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

By Warren J. Caulfield • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

On the origins of buggy

By "Roan Tysh" & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time

By Benner Rogers & Citron • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:

“There’s a real baddie …

Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Crystals for home improvement

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

"Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled