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All the news unfit to print!

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Do Your Part. Buy Meal Blocks

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

Pittsburgh's Newest Invasive Species

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

You’ve seen them around. They didn’t exist here a few years ago, but now they’re all over the place. If you don’t know what they are, you might think they look kinda cool. Really, they’re destroying our environment.

Pittsburgh’s newest invasive species has no natural predators. It destroys its …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Some Pointers for CMU SCS

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

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Segmentation fault (core dumped)

The War on South Craig Street

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

How to Spice Things Up in the Study Lounge

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

Have you ever noticed how schoolwork is boring but sex is super fun? If you have, you’re not alone. The good news is that you can combine the two. If you want straight As and straight Os, read this handy (no pun intended) guide!

Sexy study strategy #1: Put …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

The Funniest Joke Ever

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Readme Studies Abroad

By Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Field Guide To Sabotage

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left …

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

By Citron & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

By Dr. Et Al., John Jahanian, Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A modern dialectic of oppression

By Reyzl Limenesser • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CMU community agrees not to do anything worth reporting on until Tartan ready to publish month into semester • ... and it's the ugly 30% • Remember to tip your TAs! • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CMU community agrees not to do anything worth reporting on until Tartan ready to publish month into semester • ... and it's the ugly 30% • Remember to tip your TAs! • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer