Paid for by: Andrew Carnegie himself. We think.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

You do the learning so we don't have to!

// Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

Modern technology comes for us all

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

So you're on a couple waitlists

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

A grayscale picture of a smiling dog captioned "Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"

Citron • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

Covellite Dove • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

(New) Intern's Report

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

Tarot Cards for CMU Students

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

By Citron & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Feng Shui for ruining your life

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

By "Tyan Rosh" & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

Carnegie Crime Report

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Statue of Liberty deported • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Rabbi hot?! • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Court rules haunted houses are not acceptable grounds to utilize stand your ground laws • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Lube offered for Wean holes • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Statue of Liberty deported. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Rabbi hot?! • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Court rules haunted houses are not acceptable grounds to utilize stand your ground laws. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Lube offered for Wean holes. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions