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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Goes to Carnival


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We're broke

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

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Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

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My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over

I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English …

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CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

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Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

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I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

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CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

PITTSBURGH, Pa. ­ The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twenty­five p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

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Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time

13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time

SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.

(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)

SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—

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A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.
A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.

Readme Goes to Carnival

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A Letter from the Editor

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

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Student gives 75 classmates AIVs

On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to …

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Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

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A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."
A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"

Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

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An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."
[TODO]

The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out