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All the news unfit to print!

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Do Your Part. Buy Meal Blocks

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, …

A Short History of CMU

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

CMU came into being when the eponymous Andrew Carnegie discovered Doherty, Porter, and Baker Halls during an excavation while preparing for the construction of a new US Bureau of Mines building. Modern archaeologists have been unable to conclusively pinpoint their age, though the pale Kittanning bricks certainly predate homo sapiens. …

Image showing a smiling Sen. McConnell entering a box with a radioactive source and poison, Schrodiner's-cat style.

Good Luck, Senator McConnell!

// Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Low-quality image with a circle and arrow pointing at some indiscriminate pixels with the text "Cool Bird Spotted On Campus!!!"

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

By Mass of Rat Brain Cells • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

Call Me in Case of Campus Emergencies

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Imagine this: you’ve been shot and you’re bleeding out on the ground. You call the campus police to come save you, but they send out a guy with another gun! Do you feel safe in this situation? Do you trust this random stranger not to also shoot you? Of course …

CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twentyfive p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

KGB "Scav Hunt" data trains AI to assist in ground invasion

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

A campus event named ‘Scav Hunt’ by the KGB, a student organization, has come under fire after data from the venue was allegedly used to train an AI model, rumoured to potentially assist in a ground invasion of Doherty Hall.

While event-goers reported being "mildly amused” and unsuspicious, likely …

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

They will greet us as sexual liberators

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Campus Activity Report

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

Wait, people actually read this?

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Pittsburgh's Newest Invasive Species

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

You’ve seen them around. They didn’t exist here a few years ago, but now they’re all over the place. If you don’t know what they are, you might think they look kinda cool. Really, they’re destroying our environment.

Pittsburgh’s newest invasive species has no natural predators. It destroys its …

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

Readme Joins Fight Against Global Warming on Side of Global Warming

By Jonathan Wang • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

The Shell oil company's logo, with Readme written in place of the wordmark Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.

“It’s because of all the crude oil we’re buying”. She says.

Crude oil, which is $1.70 per gallon at the time of writing this article, has recently seen …

Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Professor brilliantly evades no smoking policy with chalk cigarette • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Truancy StuCo shut down for record-low attendance • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Rabbi hot?! • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Professor brilliantly evades no smoking policy with chalk cigarette • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Truancy StuCo shut down for record-low attendance • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Rabbi hot?! • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls. • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person.