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Readme Goes to Carnival


What to say to a tour guide

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

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The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

Inside ReadMe Legal

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

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What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

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An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Readme Gets Deployed

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Taste-testing Messiahs

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

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Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

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Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

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Readme Studies Abroad

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Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

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A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.
A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.
A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"
An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

I wrote this article while drunk

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

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Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

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A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?

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A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.
The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

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Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Remember to tip your TAs! • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Rabbi hot?! • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Remember to tip your TAs! • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Rabbi hot?! • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks.