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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

KGB Presents: BabyMe

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The Tri-Wheelers of Pittsburgh

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

August 16th, 2026

I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. …

WALK FASTER

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

If you have long legs like me, you’ll know there’s an epidemic of slow walkers on this campus. Consider the statue Walking to the Sky. The people in this statue are quite frankly doing it wrong in every way. Where could they possibly be going? Why haven’t any of them …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Low-quality image with a circle and arrow pointing at some indiscriminate pixels with the text "Cool Bird Spotted On Campus!!!"

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Tartans DEMOLISH Sacred Heart Elementary in Triumphant Victory

By Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

After the nail-biting game against Central Catholic High School, as reported on by the Tartan, our Boys in Red decided to set their sights even higher. It’s safe to say that those disgraceful chumps at Sacred Heart Catholic Elementary School were wholly unprepared for such a display of raw …

Scotty's Obituary

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Scotty Dog passed away on the night of August 25th from the terrible disease of two bullets to the side of the head. She was born in 2007 in Calgary, Canada to two Scottish Terriers who are both deeply mourning her passing. In 2008, the family decided Pittsburgh would be …

Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Love Letters To README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.

Reid Starzl • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

By "Tyan Rosh" & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".

Rejected O-week logo designs

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Introducing Tall Booth

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

"Help find this nice Jewish boy a forever home!" [picture of a Scotty dog in a synagogue]

Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Rat Authorities Ignore Human Infestation in Mudge

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 9, 2026

If you’re a rat in Carnegie Mellon University, you may love hanging around in many places—Darting around Hunt Library, sliding down Baker Hall, serving food at Yella’s, or being served as food at Yella’s. However, the largest and longest- standing safe haven for rats is undeniably Mudge House. Formed in …

Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Strip District not what student expected • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's go extinct due to the limitless greed and destruction of mankind • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Strip District not what student expected. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's go extinct due to the limitless greed and destruction of mankind • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation