Derealizating
Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …
Am I the bazonkle?
Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …
Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon
Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.
However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …
Entropy+ Dissolves
Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …
Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer
With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …
School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms
PITTSBURGH, PA
As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …
A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.
It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.
This policy grants …
A modern dialectic of oppression
In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …
How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat
So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …
readme booth to bring back factory towns
Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …
Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs
If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.
By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …
A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise
It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …
O-Week Crime Report
Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …
I Just Shat Myself in a Macys
Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies
I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …
I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning
The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …
On the origins of buggy
In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …
CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds
The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.
“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …
(New) Intern's Report
We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood
strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.
iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …
Top 10 ways to die during Carnival
1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …
I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence
When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …
Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim
Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …
Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices
If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …
Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move
If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …
Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address
With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.
That’s right! If …
CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction
Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …
Readme Crime Report
So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.
Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation
Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …
Feng Shui to make you forget them
Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …
CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!
Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …
The Man, The Myth, The Farnam
Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …
Vote Wean Hall!
With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …
Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time
In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:
“There’s a real baddie …
A Letter from the Editor
As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, …
I used to hate French People
I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …
I wrote this article while drunk
It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …
Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION
Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …
Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines
In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.
“How tall are you?”
“Can you get inside?”
“Are you …
15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation
Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.
A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …
An Open Letter to the CMU community
I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.
Today our God-given, American, …
CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala
Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …
SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns
A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …
I Hate Baker-Porter
Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.
Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …
Top 10 Milkable things on campus
Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.
Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …
With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training
In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …
CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years
At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …
Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer
With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …
Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?
Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…
CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping
As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …
Commonly Asked Dinner Q's
Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …
Updates from Physics
An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.
Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …
Snowman animated by rogue BME students
At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …
SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings
SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:
STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.
TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …
The Lottery
The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …
CMU-specific Travel Advisory
With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.
Ukraine
Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?
Spain
…
School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms
PITTSBURGH, PA
As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …
Ranking CMU's presidents
Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …
Dear Alumni:
Dear CMU alumni,
I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …
Snowstorm Hits Donner, Proclaimed "Still Livable"
Larry: Good evening. We're coming to you live from the arctic tundra that was once the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, where the great Blizzard of '48 has crippled the nation and, more importantly, threequarters of a freshman dorm. I'm here with first-year student Kevin, who is currently enjoying his …
I Fucking Hate the 54
Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …
Overheard at CMU
Jan. 19
inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG
Jan. 22
"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"
…
President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be
This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …
People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed
Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …
CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest
In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …
Warning
sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …
Date Recap With README
First Date
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.
Second Date
…
Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually
If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …
Readme Crime Report
README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …