Readme Gets Absurd

Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show.