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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

By Mass of Rat Brain Cells • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

An As-Seen-On-TV-style advertisement for "Hidden Camera Hat," a secretive way to cheat on finals. It includes a picture of the product, which has a massive and absurdly obvious camera atop a baseball cap.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

By Auntie Readme • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
Oh she does? What's paper mache?
Oh god holy shit oh fuck
No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

A Lamborghini ad showing a positive trend between employee wages and satisfaction next to a picture of an office worker in front of a Lamborghini. The bottom reads "the choice is yours."

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

So you've heard of 122?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The Wheel and its affects on our children

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, …

School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Remember to tip your TAs! • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Remember to tip your TAs! • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030.