Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go?
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