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Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Read more


"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery

With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.

Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

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An ad for an "AI-Enhanced paperclip" using "GPT-5א" at an MSRP of $350/month. The image is just Clippy with the OpenAI logo pasted over it.

Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

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Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

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Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

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New ID Loopholes allow for underage drinking!

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What …

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CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

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An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.
A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Readme Gets Deployed

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Auntie Readme's Advice Column

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

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Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?

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Everyone I date becomes lesbian

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

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README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

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Entropy+ Dissolves

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

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A hiring ad for Dr. Et al's lab, for the following projects: rice frying without shrimp assistance, what happens if you drink liquid nitrogen?, investigation of the application of dirt as a culinary seasoning, linguisitic analysis of "skibidi Ohio Rizz", and correlating cute pitbull names with their likeliness to main children. If interested, it says to contact by carrier pigeon at "cooo cooo coooooo, coooo, cooo cooo."

O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Remember to tip your TAs! • Goldfish no longer 'Snack that Smiles Back' due to political climate • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Remember to tip your TAs! • Goldfish no longer 'Snack that Smiles Back' due to political climate • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV