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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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Entropy+ Dissolves

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

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I called Pitt Police to CMU

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

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Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

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Taste-testing Messiahs

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

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A dimly lit black-and-white photo of a corridor with a shadowy creature  running toward the camera.

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

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A Letter From The Editor

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

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Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.
A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"
A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

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How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

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On the origins of buggy

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

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Overheard at CMU

Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG


Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

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An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

Updates from Physics

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

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A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."
A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.
A photo of a lawn absolutely covered in lawn gnomes.
An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)

Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

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Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses