Readme Wins Gold

To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • King Charles III to consider castling • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Gelt still more real than crypto • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • King Charles III to consider castling • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Gelt still more real than crypto. • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles