Readme Wins Gold

Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Naughty List leaked • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Naughty List leaked. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person.