Paid for by: The society for Erogenous Xploration
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe


Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Read more

Rules are for fools

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”


One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

Read more


SCS Students to join call centers en masse

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

Read more

An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

…

Read more

Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

Read more

An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

Read more

Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

Read more

Kill Phil

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Read more

A booth which is standing on large chicken legs.

Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …

Read more

The Wheel and its affects on our children

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

Read more

I wrote this article while drunk

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Read more

Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

Read more

With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

Read more

Introducing Tall Booth

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

Read more

Fence demolished in zoning dispute

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

Read more

Is the trend towards minimialism bad?

Point

Bartholomew Thistlewick

Minimalism has its place in artistic movements, there is no doubt that some of the most influential art works of modern times were inspired by minimalism; one need not look further than the works of Yves Klein to see this. But minimalism is not content …

Read more

Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

Read more

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

Read more

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."
CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • How to feng shui your killdozer • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • We hid six grammatical errors in this magazine. Find them all to win a prize • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • How to feng shui your killdozer • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • We hid six grammatical errors in this magazine. Find them all to win a prize. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation