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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Crime Report Report

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Institutional vandalism, criminal trespass, receiving stolen property: 3/10

Report dubious at best. They claim that a non-affiliate broke into the Mellon Institute and caused damage to property owned by Carnegie Mellon. First of all, there’s no person in the world named Carnegie Mellon, and if there is, we need …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Readme has hired world's funniest baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Here at ReadMe, we’re hip with the youth. That’s why we make sure to give equal opportunity to comedians of all ages. And well, earlier this week, we found some truly outstanding talent: the funniest baby ever.

Herbert, 0 years old, was born with an innate knack for comedy …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

CMU rankings rise after James takes leave of absence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The CMU community has a lot to celebrate this week, after US News and World Report moved Carnegie Mellon up seven spots on their college rankings from #21 to #14. School administrators are throwing parties, tour guides are updating their scripts, and Tartans everywhere are spitting on the graves of …

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Genealogists have been left with more questions than answers

// Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

What is MIT

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

…

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Air Conditioner • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

README Responds to The Allegations

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

October 29, 1929: "Block Tuesday" Leaves Freshmen Destitute

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

At Carnegie Mellon University, the end of the 1920s saw unprecedented financial ruin for many first-year students. The meal-block economy had crescendoed throughout the decade, with blocks selling for a whopping 50% of their original worth. Unfortunately, this lucrative exchange could not last forever. The block market imploded, wiping out …

Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

A Spring Carnival bingo sheet with the following items: crash a UHaul, park in the CFA parking lot, offend an alumni, confuse a Pitt student, go on vacation instead, fall off the ferris wheel, invite your visiting parents to a rager, send incriminating photos to parents, violate OSHA, sleep, report a friend to CMU PD, steal a buggy and get chased by CMU PD, FREE: do homework, win something illegitimately, get a dorm noise complaint, wake up in a random basement, single-handedly demolish Donner, misuse a scissor lift, go backstage somewhere illicitly, go sledding, destroy grass in a fit of rage, obtain permanent trauma, throw up on a friend, discover the limits of caffeine, and get banned from a frat.

Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…

A sketch of a horse drawing a (CMU-style) buggy.

Horse-drawn buggy

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Max Lee • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Distracted students continue to get eaten by the automower

// Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

By A. Axolotl • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

“I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Strip District not what student expected • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96 • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • College of Fine Ats budget up 50% after a student finds a quarter and two dimes in the Mezzanine • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Kanye up to something • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Strip District not what student expected. • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds. • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • College of Fine Ats budget up 50% after a student finds a quarter and two dimes in the Mezzanine. • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Kanye up to something