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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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A Day in the Life at CMU Miami

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension …

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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

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I used to hate French People

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

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US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

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A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

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A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.
An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

The 'car' in Carnegie

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

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Answers: Last Week’s Crossword

Across

  1. OREO

  2. UTA

  3. AIOLI

  4. ILIAD

  5. TRUE

  6. ZIGZAG

  7. ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIA­NISM

  8. IONE

  9. TERI

  10. POLO

  11. IDENTIFICATION

  12. TELL ME …

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My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

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Readme Joins Fight Against Global Warming on Side of Global Warming

The Shell oil company's logo, with Readme written in place of the wordmark Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.

“It’s because of all the crude oil we’re buying”. She says.

Crude oil, which is $1.70 per gallon at the time of writing this article, has recently seen …

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A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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Beloved Football Chants At CMU

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

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Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

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A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

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Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time

In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:

“There’s a real baddie …

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Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

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The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

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Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • "Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • The impending draft will be great for my grad school resume • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Golden Gate Bridge more of a beige • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • "Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport. • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • The impending draft will be great for my grad school resume • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Golden Gate Bridge more of a beige. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator