Worst Human Eats Pizza Crust-First

by Rin Fair, Editor-in-Chef

JERSEY CITY—A young woman was spotted late Thursday eating a pizza crust-first at a local Pizza Hut. Onlookers gasped in horror as the woman, identified as Sheila Cummings, a 28-year-old fashion blogger from Ohio, bit into the crunchy end of her slice, leaving the pointy end hanging limply.

Establishment owner Rodrigo Rosuello told readme, “She seemed like such a normal girl. The waiter was a little uncomfortable when she winked after asking for a meat lover’s surprise, but we get that a lot. People think they’re so original.”

According to Rosuello, many patrons have particular eating habits that the staff have been trained to handle without judgment. One “artsy-fartsy type,” as he put it, even goes to the trouble of eating off all the cheese, flipping the pizza upside-down, and turning the crust inside-out. But even that freak of nature cannot compare to the utter blasphemy displayed by Cummings on the evening of March 2.

When asked if he thought Cummings might qualify for World’s Worst Human, Rosuello responded affirmatively. “I knew something was wrong when I saw her wearing brown shoes with black pants, but it wasn’t until I saw her eat the lemon in her water that I started considering her for Worst Human. And the constant renditions of ‘Wicked’ songs under her breath sealed the deal.” The middle-aged Virginian shook his head. “What is it with some people? Do you ever stop singing? Do you think you’re quiet? We can hear you. Shut up.”

What do you think, readers? Is Sheila Cummings, Crust-First-Pizza-Eater, your top candidate for Worst Human? Send your response to the editor at rin@cmu.edu!

The “Perpenplanker”: A Campus Legend Unmasked

by Celine Delaunay, Moderate Annoyances Correspondent

It was several months ago, on November 4th, 2016, that it was first reported that a man was spotted on the exterior wall of Wean Hall. As there was no physical evidence or substantial witnesses to corroborate this story, the tale was deemed simply a poorly executed prank. But when he was seen on the walls of the UC on the 7th and then again on the 15th on the side of our very own Margaret Morrison, it could no longer be dismissed.

After many months of failed attempts where it seemed the wall stander would disappear right as readme got wind of his whereabouts, he would vanish, this past weekend, finally, one of our own was able to successfully go undercover in order to find and interview this man.

His name is Norm A. Lity, a sophomore here at CMU with an undeclared major. He was very clear that he referred to his work as “perpendanking,” no doubt a pun on the dank meme of planking that began to grow in popularity starting around the early 2010s. One notable difference, however, between the two activities is that rather than hold his arms at his sides, Norm holds his above his head in a sort of steeple grip.  When asked further questions, unfortunately, Norm refused to respond.

Why is Norm doing this? What does he hope to accomplish? How is he able to defy the laws of gravity? No one quite knows, but one thing is clear: knowing that this man has walked in his shoes that he has then placed on the walls of their campus, CMU students will be further dissuaded from licking the walls. Furthermore it seems, for now that he is not a danger to anyone at CMU, he simply wishes to share his craft with his fellow students.

Readme Reviews: Samsung Galaxy S8

by Mark Saporta, readme Tech Review Editor

Samsung’s newest cell phone in its long-running Galaxy line is slated for release in under a month, and we at readme’s Tech Review Division have gotten our hands on a leaked prototype. We are excited to bring you this early review of what is already shaping up to be a revolutionary product in the world of telecommunications:

The Galaxy S8 is, first and foremost, a phone. You can make calls using it, and you can text your friends using the phone’s built-in SMS application. The Galaxy S8 also supports many other applications, which run the gamut from social media to exercise to games. Many applications come pre-installed on the phone, but there are thousands of others that can be installed to it from the internet. This heavy focus on applications may seem overwhelming at first, but it quickly sets the utility and flexibility of the S8 apart from the competition.

Perhaps the most interesting and novel feature of the Galaxy S8 is its large touch screen, which takes up nearly the entire front of the phone. Virtually all the functions of the phone are accessed by using this touch screen, with the exception of a “home button” that allows the user to return to the main screen. Using the touch screen is incredibly intuitive, and obviates the need for the clumsy keyboard-based navigation that so many phones currently rely on.

Another major upgrade present in the Galaxy S8 is the ability to access the internet on the go. With the purchase of a monthly data plan, Galaxy S8 users will no longer be tied down to WiFi hotspots; they will be able to surf the Web, check their Myspace pages and watch the hottest new online videos wherever they have a cell signal.

With all this advanced technology packed in, you may expect the portability of the Galaxy S8 to suffer somewhat. Amazingly enough, this couldn’t be further from the truth: the S8 will be among the thinnest and lightest phones on the market. It easily and comfortably fits both in the hand and in the pocket, and its sleek, minimalistic design is very appealing. The one downside it faces is a battery life substantially lower than Razr or BlackBerry users may be familiar with, but this is more than outweighed by its increased functionality.

Overall, we at readme’s Tech Review Division believe the Samsung Galaxy S8 represents a massive step forward in cell phone technology. With its touch screen, internet capabilities, and thin, lightweight design, it is leaps and bounds above both previous versions of the Galaxy and virtually all the competition. At $399, the Galaxy S8 is certainly not cheap, but the cost is more than worth paying to join what is shaping up to be the future of portable communication.

readme Review: Highly recommended

Pittsburgh Government Covertly Attempting to Induce Climate Change

by Mark Saporta, Municipal Machinations Correspondent

In a shocking development in local politics, an expose on the internal workings of the municipal government of Pittsburgh released earlier this week has revealed that both the mayor and the city council are actively attempting to effect climate change.

The document, released anonymously, directly quotes several higher-ups in the city government brainstorming ways to discreetly funnel money towards advancing climate change, from hiring gang members to destroy electric cars, to creating a vaguely-purposed super PAC that secretly devotes all contributions to setting aerosol cans on fire, to breeding especially flatulent cows.

Naturally, this report has enraged and confused many Pittsburghers, who are understandably loath to see their tax money both figuratively and literally burned on a seemingly counterproductive enterprise. Like them, readme is seeking answers to why the Democrat-controlled city government has taken such an aggressively climate-unfriendly stance, and has turned to Mayor Bill Peduto for an explanation:

 

readme: In all my years as a political analyst, I have never encountered any government actively embracing climate change, let alone a liberal one. Why are you doing this?

Peduto: Look outside.

readme: What? Uh…okay.

(At this point, your correspondent looked out the window of the mayor’s office. As per usual, it was overcast.)

Peduto: Q.E.D.

readme: Well, I mean…

Peduto: Pittsburgh has the most dismal weather this side of Chicago. The only times it’s not cloudy is when it’s raining. The only times it’s not uncomfortably cold is when it’s uncomfortably hot. It’s humid, it’s damp, it’s windy, it’s just generally gross. Our snow even sucks! Why wouldn’t we be trying to change the climate? What change could there be that wouldn’t be an improvement from what we have?

readme: Isn’t that rather selfish?

Peduto: As the mayor of Pittsburgh, my duty is first and foremost towards my constituents. If parching California gives us more sunny, 70-degree days in February, then I know where my priorities lie. And hey – any money we invest in inducing climate change will be more than recouped by the tons of rock salt we won’t have to buy every winter. It’s just good governance.

readme: That day was pretty damn nice.

Peduto: Imagine if every day in February was like that. All it would take would be a few more wildfires, a few more islands sunk into the ocean, and a few more sad people on the other side of the world. My government considers the costs worthwhile, and we think voters will too.

readme: Well, Mr. Mayor, thank you for your time, and hopefully the history books don’t demonize your decision any more than is appropriate.

At press time, the temperature in Pittsburgh had once again fluctuated 60 degrees, just like every goddamn Tuesday.

CRIME ALERT 2017-002: Local Computer Cluster Terrorized by Handwriting Narcissist

by Cam Wong, Graphology Correspondent

PITTSBURGH, PA—The denizens of a computer cluster on Carnegie Mellon campus reported repeated attacks yesterday by a mysterious figure who scrawled a number of unintelligible charts, graphs and figures onto the cluster whiteboard before vanishing into the night. Such attacks have been occurring throughout the semester, citizens claim, but with varying regularity and intensity.

Oftentimes, the charts are a quick source of anger and debate amidst cluster residents. “I’ll just walk in some days, and there’ll be some new graph of ‘various anime ranked by secondary animal lead’ just sitting there,” says Nick Rauen, the self-proclaimed protagonist of life. “Most of the time, it’s not even accurate! Whoever this guy is, he should at least fix his taste in anime.” According to one source, however, the real danger is in the graphs’ power to drag the cluster into an intense discussion (said source requested anonymity for fear of losing rank on the recent “best cluster dwellers” list). “I was planning on finishing my 112 project that day,” our source says, “but then I ended up dragged into determining where my haircut placed me on the prescriptivism spectrum! It took four hours and we still couldn’t even agree on the definition of ‘hair’!” Truly, this madman is a threat to peace and productivity clusterwide.

readme’s political correspondent was unable to be contacted for comments.

Senate Republicans to Launch Investigation Into Trump Autocannibalism Scandal

by Daniel Bork, Delicious, Delicious Correspondent

For the past few weeks, Senate GOP leaders have been consumed by the question of how best to respond to rising popular pressure over President Trump’s autocannibalism scandal. Beginning last month at a press conference in which it was discovered that the growing porosity and increasingly ruddy tinge of Trump’s skin was caused not by illness or foreign sabotage but by the President systematically excising and consuming significant sections of his own body, the issue came to a head over the weekend in the gruesome audio recordings leaked to the Washington Post. Many congressional Republicans in recent days have ruminated off the record to readme on the possible reactions: while no politician wants to appear soft on cannibalism, a total condemnation risks alienating the very populist base that powered their 2016 re-elections, a prospect that many in the Senate find tough to swallow. However, according to a Wednesday New York Times report, the Senate majority has finally finished digesting their options and plans to respond with a full investigation by the powerful Committee on Agriculture, Nutrition, and Forestry, to begin as early as this April.

Reached for comment at his Lexington home Wednesday, Sen. Mitch McConnell, an influential committee member who is also the Senate Majority Leader, responded that “since President Trump’s policies have been a great boon to conservatism when he has not been preoccupied with responding to media attacks, the time has come to clear the President’s plate by bringing the full power of the committee to bear on this unfortunate happenstance in the form of an investigation.” When asked about the possible cause of Trump’s self-masticatory fixation, McConnell speculated that “while Dr. Bornstein has assured the American people of President Trump’s unprecedentedly superlative health, it may be that the pressures of the Presidency have led him to become somewhat malnourished. Many non-experts do not know this, but the human body is actually the most complete known source of nutrition, containing every essential amino acid needed to survive in exactly the required proportions. A healthy adult male such as the President can expect to survive up to 4-6 weeks on the fruit of his vessel alone.”

When pressed for comment on the political implications of the scandal, a clammy and visibly pale House Speaker Paul Ryan, who was spotted Thursday desperately choking down chunks of his own flesh in the bathroom of noted Capitol Hill hotspot Charlie Palmer Steak, stammered that “I really think Trump has been great for party unity. We used to have all these factions, you know…the Freedom Caucus and the Tuesday Group and all that, who all ate separately and were all chomping at the bit to undermine each other.” After pausing briefly to suppress his gag reflex with a quick punch to the lower lip, Ryan haltingly continued: “Now, everyone’s working together to implement this new dining policy. I really think of this election result as a great victory for the conservative policy vision worldwide.” At this point, the Speaker became intensely focused on a particularly tough piece of his own thigh gristle and refused to respond to further attempts at questioning.

President Trump, in a rare phone interview with readme, rebutted concerns over his autophagy by noting that “Mmph, so good. Mmm. Delicious. Yeah.” In response to questions about the impact of his ingurgitation on the forthcoming re-rollout of his executive order on immigration, the President remarked that “that’s some good leg. Mmm, yes. Trump ouroboros.” Further inquiries on the impact of the scandal on foreign policy, and on the US relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin in particular, elicited copious lip-smacking and the occasional low moan.

At press time, the President had called a press conference to announce a new line of his famous Trump steaks.

Schenley Park Awaiting Approval for Recreational Use

by Spencer Early, Green Spaces Correspondent

In a public Citiparks meeting last week, Mayor Bill Peduto made the controversial proposition to allow certain parks for recreational use. Citing difficulties with enforcement and expressing doubt about the deleterious health effects of using parks for fun, Peduto put forth this contentious suggestion. The proposed pilot program, “Let’s Have Fun at a Park”, will gradually phase in parks for recreational use, starting with Schenley. While the practice of visiting one of the city’s parks to go for a run, walk the dog, or otherwise benefit one’s physical and mental health is commonly accepted, this highly contested move of legalizing the act of visiting a park for fun has created divisive lines in our community.

“Enjoying your recreational options should be a personal choice,” said pro-recreational park user Ben Blazer. Other voices supporting the recreational use of Schenley Park included police chief Scott Schubert, contending that “excessive enforcement and inspection of doctor’s orders to ensure visitors of Schenley Park are there solely for medical purposes is straining on the city budget. By opening Schenley Park for recreational use, we can re-channel our resources towards cutting down on violent crime, as well as potentially boosting the economy.”

However, others are not so thrilled with the proposal. Director of park safety Bea Keehrful warns “We don’t want people to think that going to a park to play can be a wholesome activity. Any form of recreation is inextricably linked with ill side effects. Also, visiting parks ‘just for fun’ can be a dangerous gateway into other risky activities such as standing up to stretch for every hour of sitting at a desk.” Such mounting concerns are reasons why Schenley Park is still awaiting approval for recreational use. Concerned citizen Bob Boring worried that “[my daughter’s] school will allow them to go past the safety of the fenced-in playground to a park for so-called ‘recreational use’ – imagine what horrors she might see. It still sends chills down my spine recalling The Incident of the summer of ‘05 when the two kids caught playing hopscotch at Mellon Park got carted off to jail. Recreational use of parks is illegal for a reason.”

In the meantime, Peduto recommends visiting Schenley Park for recreational purposes under the cover of darkness until the law is passed.

We Still Hate Millennials, Right?

by Mark Saporta, Generational Grand Canyon Correspondent

Millennials.

Next time you see a millennial, look at them. Really look at them. Stare at them with all of your psyche, and you will see what I see. You will see them as they truly are, and then you will understand.

They are beings of pure sin.

The first, most important thing to know about millennials is that they are Bad. They are not bad in a conventional sense, like a punch to the face or Nickelback. No, they are objectively bad. They are bad in a way that the word “bad” cannot even describe, because “bad” is a human word meant for use on a human scale. Millennials are cosmically bad. They are badness distilled. They are, in a very real sense, devils in human conceit.

Perhaps that is unfair. At least Lucifer was once an angel. Millennials lack even that erstwhile glimmer of decency. They were born of evil, they are evil, they shall return to evil. So it goes.

And don’t get me started on man buns. What genius thought those looked good? Sheesh, kids these days. Anyway:

You may be asking “Why are millennials bad?” “What proof have you of this quality?” And you would be well within your rights to ask such a thing. Alas, I cannot answer.

I cannot answer why millennials are so bad for the same reason one cannot answer why despair is so tragic, or hatred so dreadful. Despair and hatred are concepts; so too, in a way, are millennials. They do not simply bear evil within them, they are synonymous with evil.

And they’re always whining about their triggers and their safe spaces. It’s like, come on, you privileged fucks, grow the hell up! You’re not going to be able to shield your precious little eyes from reality forever!

You know, when I was a young man, we didn’t get pissy if our goddamn quinoa wasn’t cruelty-free! We didn’t bellyache all day about how society was oppressing us! We weren’t hellspawns in the guise of man, bringing ruin through our very being! No, god dammit, we were normal, decent people with normal, decent lives! These pampered, coddled harbingers of malevolence would do well to follow suit.

Fashion This Week: King Koopa’s DAPPER New Suit

by Ben Kaplan, Haberdashery Correspondent

Majestesty. Class. Prowess. Confidence. These are the words that come to mind when one sees Bowser, King of Koopas, new Dapper suite. Behold it in all its glory!

As you can see, Bowser has decided to go from boss, to BOSS. Matched against the backdrop of purple skies on his gleaming white ship, Bowser’s suit nicely accentuates his more “sharp” ivory features, further accented by new chrome spiked arm-bands.

Despite the raw audacity of his new look, one critic at Fansided.com bemoaned that Bowser hasn’t gone far enough, and should seek to completely emulate what TV Tropes defines as full-blown “Pimp Duds.” Specifically, the critic complained about Bowser’s lack of a pinky pimp-ring and obligatory pimp-cane.

However, Bowser is far too regal and classy for that kind of attire. He is a father of one biological and seven adopted children, as well as a father to his men. Additionally, prostitution is antithetical to the Koopa Kingdom’s traditional monarchical values and emphasis on strength/the ability to defeat Mario as being the decider of status, and not just fancy clothing.

With such an undeniably dapper outfit, Princess Peach, Bowser’s bride to be, must be so thrilled with herself. In the top picture, notice her wide eyes of amazement and cupped hands in awe. And in the picture to the left, she is absolutely swooning! One of course must ask if rival suitor, Mario, could still possibly have a chance. This publication thinks not—not in those grubby jean overalls and garish red getup at least!

Overall, it’s a new look capturing his highness in a new light that illuminates Bowser’s trademark power yet shines with an opulent well-founded sense of decorum.

Elon Musk Announces Elon Musk

by Ben Kaplan, Silicologne Valley Correspondent

Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, founder of PayPal, and originator of the Hyperloop Concept, has announced his latest breakthrough: an Elon Musk cologne line.

“With the (very) rich scent of Elon Musk pervading one’s body, men—and women—can maximize working duration and efficiency by inundating the senses to dull their mind against non-working distractions” declared the billionaire inventor.

Elon attributes the power of his Musk to its scientifically engineered design and manufacturing process. Ingredients include lithium due to its mood improving neuroprotective properties (so one feels better about working a 16 hours overtime). Pheromones distilled from the towels handed out to the hardest working engineers at Tesla and SpaceX. Small quantities of rocket fuel (‘cause rockets are awesome)! And California cedar extract, because Elon thinks it smells nice during those rare moments he ventures outside his office, the testing facilities, or his mansion (which probably has an automatic car elevator in its garage, minimizing exposure to the temptation of nice weather/spending time outside).

But what really gives Elon Musk an edge over the competition is its state of the art manufacturing process. Every vial of Elon Musk is mixed drop by drop with automatic robotic pipettes capable of drip-dropping 387 drops of Elon Musk ingredients per minute. Once drip-dropped, the vial is tested by an electronic nose capable of detecting molecules at parts per quadrillion. Finally, each vial is shaken up by a robotic arm encased in glass (for the protection of the factory workers) capable of 19 pumps per second—“which is 8.7 times the maximum amount of pumps by an arm on an adolescent boy arm who just discovered porn” quipped Mr. Musk.

Lastly, one cannot fail to mention the elegant packaging of each vial: A mono-colored bottle with a bulge at the bottom that tapers off until 2/3rds up its length, building out again to the same width as the original bulge before quickly tapering into a minimally protruding spray nozzle, decorated only with a white “EM” logo.