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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Traffic Calming Solution

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

Claude's Plan

By Duigi Amodei • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

…

"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery

By Dr. Evil • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.

Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various …

An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

"HELP WANTED! I'm trapped inside this newspaper listing and can't get out. It's been weeks. I miss my family. Will pay any amount necesary for rescue. Call (412) 268-2323" [image of a man with his hands pressed against the fourth wall"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

A photo of a lawn absolutely covered in lawn gnomes.

fuck you this took me three hours. I individually placed every gnome. You have gnome respect for my craft. I can't copy and paste them because then the layers wouldn't be right. Fuck you. You will never understand.

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Interwar Update

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

4 Hacks to get an extension

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. …

Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Spot the difference!

// Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Lube offered for Wean holes • Linguists invent new slur for couples • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Lube offered for Wean holes. • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV?