Readme Gets Absurd

Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • I met Santa Claus, she's black • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies