As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …
It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …
![Recruiting poster with an Uncle Sam with Farnam Jahanian's face. It says "I want YOU for README. Nearest recruiting station: [outdated pitch meeting location]. By: the CMU KGB"](/media/vol2/issue0/images/iwantu_sNuOHHP.png)
I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …
As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …
It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …
Dear Reader,
I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.
I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …
!["Drowning in tuition debt? Ready to win big!? CMU is proud to announce that students now have the option to "Double or Nothing" their tuition!" [photo of Warner Hall with large "CASINO" letters]](/media/vol2/issue0/images/doubleOrNothingAd_CHdzASZ.png)
![[TODO]](/media/vol2/issue5/images/carng_brxpTvF.png)
Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …
Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.
In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …
It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.
We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …
1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen
Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …
People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.
I considered wearing women's …
![[TODO]](/media/vol4/issue0/images/TargetLamp_UvBmh7Y.jpg)
A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …
DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …
Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …
![An image styled as a public service announcement stating "are you texting an UNDERCOVER COP? know the signs." It includes screenshots of three text messages: "Do you know where a fella can buy some perquisite? [sic]", "should i blow on the cartridges before i smoke them", and "Meet me by the big blue phone on Skibo"](/media/vol4/issue4/images/undercovercop_eczrIaF.webp)
