Readme Gets Absurd

Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Rabbi hot?! • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • King Charles III to consider castling • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Rabbi hot?! • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • King Charles III to consider castling • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too!