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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Introducing Tall Booth

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

(New) Intern's Report

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

A modern dialectic of oppression

By Reyzl Limenesser • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

Students assign professors work in novel education plan

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

Fence demolished in zoning dispute

By Benner Rogers & Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

By Dr. Et Al. & Emily Jiang • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

Torah Review

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Noah’s Ark
🔯🔯
Great ocean scenery but they put me with the only other human and he keeps looking at me weird.

Tower of Babel
🔯🔯🔯
Gribbledorf zanks flomptiously squibberwump’s jibbleflop.

Cain and Abel
🔯🔯🔯🔯
If my dad named me Cain, I’d also be pissed …

A Spring Carnival bingo sheet with the following items: crash a UHaul, park in the CFA parking lot, offend an alumni, confuse a Pitt student, go on vacation instead, fall off the ferris wheel, invite your visiting parents to a rager, send incriminating photos to parents, violate OSHA, sleep, report a friend to CMU PD, steal a buggy and get chased by CMU PD, FREE: do homework, win something illegitimately, get a dorm noise complaint, wake up in a random basement, single-handedly demolish Donner, misuse a scissor lift, go backstage somewhere illicitly, go sledding, destroy grass in a fit of rage, obtain permanent trauma, throw up on a friend, discover the limits of caffeine, and get banned from a frat.

Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Victim Escapes Samsara • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • King Charles III to consider castling • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Victim Escapes Samsara. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • King Charles III to consider castling • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2.