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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A Day in the Life at CMU Miami

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension …

Nursing homes begin to accept new senior patients

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With CMU in the top 15 of the US News National Universities Rankings, students are looking for ways to leverage their school’s newfound reputation to prepare for the post-college lives. “Before, I was worried I’d have to live out my final days in the eighth best nursing home in my …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Really makes you think.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

AI not human enough for me to abuse it

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Dear Sam Altman,

As a small business owner, I'm looking for ways to optimize my repair shop to maximize profits. Sure, Felipe, Turner, and Pat slaving away for minimum wage is nice, but these woke liberals want minimum wage to be “livable”. How am I supposed to live if …

Religious Proclamation of Gun-Fearing Disciples

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

On the 250th anniversary of this nation, and the 2026th anniversary of the Christians’ God, my so-called unalienable right to freedom of religion has been, regrettably, alienated.

CMU has deemed my ceremonial bazooka “inappropriate for a safe campus environment”, despite it meeting the ATF’s 51” limit. Carrying this sacrosanct …

Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

By README • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

By A. Axolotl • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

Everything not on your ABP Everything Bagel

By Alex Werth • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

I asked for a bagel with everything on it, a coffee and apple to go,

They looked at me funny, like hey, little buddy, there’s something that you didn’t know:

It comes with the sesame, salmon and chili, and maybe a dollop of cheese,

But missing some …

5-Minute Crafts: ECE!

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Breaking news: Andrew Carnegie actually an English major! "What the fuck are all these engineers doing here? I founded CMU to teach students how to read Macbeth, not how to build stupid robots. Also why are women enrolled?" - Andrew Carnegie's Ghost

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

The Bill of Commandments

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Don't ask Scotty who she cheered for during the 2026 Winter Olympics

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Do it.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …

Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

By Steve Tummler • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

My mommy says I can't go to war

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

[Picture of a dog in a santa hat] "George Michael wishes you a Very Readme Christmas!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Modern technology comes for us all

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone • Goldfish no longer 'Snack that Smiles Back' due to political climate • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • Lube offered for Wean holes • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • Most mathematicians writing in first-person plural are actually painfully alone. • Goldfish no longer 'Snack that Smiles Back' due to political climate • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • Lube offered for Wean holes. • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire