I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Kanye up to something • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • Rabbi hot?! • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Kanye up to something • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • Rabbi hot?! • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview!
