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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Student Tells All: Internship at Anduril

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With fall break on the horizon, it's safe to say that we've fully settled into the semester. Yet, I still get people bringing up my summer internship at Anduril. That was two whole months ago! Most often, the people who bring it up are just classmates who want to find …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Exclusive Feature: Booth Baby

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on …

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The Tri-Wheelers of Pittsburgh

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

August 16th, 2026

I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. …

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

5-Minute Crafts: ECE!

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such …

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

Rules are for fools

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”

One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked …

Duo Push Goes Rogue

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

CaPS announces new mental health app

By Dr. Dee Pression • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

Anti Anti Aging Cream

By Handy Manny & Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

A PSA to check the CO detectors

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Candidates for a 51st State

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

I used to hate French People

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

By Warren J. Caulfield • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's go extinct due to the limitless greed and destruction of mankind • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Courses begin offering premium access to TA's unfiltered remarks • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers. • Strip club entirely bereft of copper wire • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's go extinct due to the limitless greed and destruction of mankind • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Courses begin offering premium access to TA's unfiltered remarks • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half.