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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Why does financial aid prosper while the endowment starves?

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very …

A Day in the Life at CMU Miami

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension …

Do it.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

CIT condemns new campus: “bridge between pittsburgh and miami” totally impractical

// Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Is the trend towards minimialism bad?

By 2 anonymous writers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Point

Bartholomew Thistlewick

Minimalism has its place in artistic movements, there is no doubt that some of the most influential art works of modern times were inspired by minimalism; one need not look further than the works of Yves Klein to see this. But minimalism is not content …

Carnegie Mellon rabbits claim squatters rights

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Rabbits have officially claimed squatters’ rights on the CMU Mall and CFA Lawn following years of occupation. The invasive creatures were first introduced fifty years ago when a freshman living in Mudge brought their hobby rabbit farm to campus. The university initially tried to contain them, but efforts ceased after …

A photo of a lawn absolutely covered in lawn gnomes.

fuck you this took me three hours. I individually placed every gnome. You have gnome respect for my craft. I can't copy and paste them because then the layers wouldn't be right. Fuck you. You will never understand.

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

Updates from Physics

By Mr. Anomalocaris • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

By Joe MacDonald • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

My mommy says I can't go to war

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

Thieving Mice

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving …

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

What are they carrying to the sky?

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

Crystals for home improvement

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

If I don't get this article published my parents will kill me • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • LLM passes Turing Test by replying “sorry, just saw this” after four days • College of Fine Ats budget up 50% after a student finds a quarter and two dimes in the Mezzanine • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • OPINION: CaPS should stop hiring therapists shaped like penises • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • If I don't get this article published my parents will kill me • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • LLM passes Turing Test by replying “sorry, just saw this” after four days • College of Fine Ats budget up 50% after a student finds a quarter and two dimes in the Mezzanine. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • OPINION: CaPS should stop hiring therapists shaped like penises • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot