Paid for by: you?????

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

We Killed The Dog

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The War on South Craig Street

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

Readme's Readme

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

# README

World-renowned satire magazine at Carnegie Mellon University, published every two weeks, unless we’re feeling particularly funny in which case we skip an issue. Originally a way for founder Gerald Readme to evangelize their hardline Pittsburgh separatist beliefs, it has since turned into a way for students to …

Jupiter • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

The only keyboard you'll EVER need at CMU!

// Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Are You a Lazy Bitch? Automating Your Human Interaction With Claude

By WP • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Being a mediocre friend takes a lot of work. Is some dumb bitch blowing up your phone, asking inane questions like “are you free this weekend?” or if you “want to grab a drink :)”? Do you have a friend incapable of getting the hint that you do like them, …

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

By Enu [redacted] • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

A campaign button with an image of a dog surrounded by the text "George Michael for President."

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

"Help find this nice Jewish boy a forever home!" [picture of a Scotty dog in a synagogue]

Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

Readme Polls: Do you read Readme or the Tartan?

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

The Lottery

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

By Phong • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine", "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"

A representative sample of CMU Missed Connections.

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

CMU Finals rife with cheating

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

Self-Care For The Self-Destructive

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Welcome, freshmen, to Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got a busy week ahead, one of so very many, so make sure you enjoy this one while it lasts. After all, come next week, and you will be launched into a world of coursework, clubs, and career choices that will define the rest …

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

Scotty Dog missed you. So did we, if you even care about that.

// Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

[Picture of a dog begging] "Begging lessons from the pros: pay off your student loans, scam old people, get yummy food, pass your exams! The possibilities are endless!!! Contact via dog whistle TODAY"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing