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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Honey, hand my my ReadMe

By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder starts where trauma stops: a defense of forever wars

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from …

Answers: Last Week’s Crossword

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

OREO
UTA
AIOLI
ILIAD
TRUE
ZIGZAG
ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM
IONE
TERI
POLO
IDENTIFICATION
TELL ME …

CIT condemns new campus: “bridge between pittsburgh and miami” totally impractical

// Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Do it.

// Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

WALK FASTER

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

If you have long legs like me, you’ll know there’s an epidemic of slow walkers on this campus. Consider the statue Walking to the Sky. The people in this statue are quite frankly doing it wrong in every way. Where could they possibly be going? Why haven’t any of them …

Crossword Corner

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

Animal that meows

Down

Automobile

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

By I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

October 29, 1929: "Block Tuesday" Leaves Freshmen Destitute

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

At Carnegie Mellon University, the end of the 1920s saw unprecedented financial ruin for many first-year students. The meal-block economy had crescendoed throughout the decade, with blocks selling for a whopping 50% of their original worth. Unfortunately, this lucrative exchange could not last forever. The block market imploded, wiping out …

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "

"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

By Benner Rogers & Johnny Truant • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

By 3 Serif Fonts in a Trench Coat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

…

Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.

“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Argumentative Essay

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

An ad for "5 hour Melcius", which is a combination of Celsius, Monster, and 5-hour Energy. it is described as helping with locking in, locking out, 122 exam, normal breathing patterns, too much sleep, "and so much more!". This is followed by a long and extremely detailed list of ghastly side effects.

Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

Child of prophecy destined from birth to attend CMU rejects fate • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Rabbi hot?! • District Court rules that universities can count 'ethnically ambiguous' students as whatever minority they underenrolled that year • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day • Child of prophecy destined from birth to attend CMU rejects fate. • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?" • Rabbi hot?! • District Court rules that universities can count 'ethnically ambiguous' students as whatever minority they underenrolled that year. • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day.