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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Readme's Homework Eating Service

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

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Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

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BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

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A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

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18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

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We're broke

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

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An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across …

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A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."
"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

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A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]
"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]
An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

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CMU to host the Olympic Games

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

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Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

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Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

- Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).
Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Hardest job imaginable: affirming therapist to drone strike today • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup. • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Hardest job imaginable: affirming therapist to drone strike today. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties