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KGB Presents: readme
Editor in Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Saturdays at 5:00 pm, Doherty Hall room 1117

Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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We need to talk.

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

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Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

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Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • OpenAI introduces AI­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • Statue of Liberty deported. •