Paid for by: Carlos's Print Quota(cuz Student Senate is a buncha nerds)

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Homosexual Conundrum

By Hom O. Gaylord • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

So you're on a couple waitlists

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …

A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

The early worm has a far less rosy outlook

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

An image styled as a public service announcement stating "are you texting an UNDERCOVER COP? know the signs." It includes screenshots of three text messages: "Do you know where a fella can buy some perquisite? [sic]", "should i blow on the cartridges before i smoke them", and "Meet me by the big blue phone on Skibo"

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

By Linda Green • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Rest in Peace Buddy • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • Rest in Peace Buddy • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees