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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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We Killed The Dog


The War on South Craig Street

“I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.” Oliver Wendell Holmes.

By the summer of 2026, Avirat Kohli had had enough. Two great armies were converging on his Indian grocery, and what would …

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KGB "Scav Hunt" data trains AI to assist in ground invasion

A campus event named ‘Scav Hunt’ by the KGB, a student organization, has come under fire after data from the venue was allegedly used to train an AI model, rumoured to potentially assist in a ground invasion of Doherty Hall.

While event-goers reported being "mildly amused” and unsuspicious, likely …

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CaPS announces new mental health app

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

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The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

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readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

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EADME CIME EPOT

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

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An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

Readme Studies Abroad

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Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

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Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

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Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

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A Letter from the Editor

I was on break :)

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Anti Anti Aging Cream

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

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Readme Gets Deployed

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Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

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Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

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A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."
An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan

1) Better at news

Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.

2) Better words

Find me a single example of the Tartan using …

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Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

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Carnegie Crime Report

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

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New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • King Charles III to consider castling • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • King Charles III to consider castling • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool.