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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Goes to Carnival


What to say to a tour guide

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

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Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

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Coming soon...[readme logo with "uncensored" stamp] Sex! Drugs! Unedited fanfics! Be on the lookout for "readme, UNCENSORED"!

Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking

Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving …

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Kirby's Adventure NES Review

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

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Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

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Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

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Snowman animated by rogue BME students

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

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15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

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A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.
"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]
A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.

Making Money on Campus

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

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Entropy+ Dissolves

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

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Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

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Dinner questions for your normal human parents

  1. So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
  2. Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
  3. Oh she does? What's paper mache?
  4. Oh god holy shit oh fuck
  5. No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

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5-Minute Crafts: ECE!

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such …

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In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

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A picture of Farnam Jahanian in cool glasses drinking something from a bottle. It's captioned "make this Carnival an event you won't remember," followed by a logo saying "everclear."
An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."
Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute