Readme Wins Gold

Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Rest in Peace Buddy • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Gelt still more real than crypto • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Rest in Peace Buddy • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla.