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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival


The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

Read more


CMU to host the Olympic Games

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

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A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".
A booth which is standing on large chicken legs.
An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.
An ad for an "AI-Enhanced paperclip" using "GPT-5א" at an MSRP of $350/month. The image is just Clippy with the OpenAI logo pasted over it.

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

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Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

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SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

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It's Gone

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

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A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

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A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.
"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

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An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

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New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

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With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

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Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Kanye up to something • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Kanye up to something • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • RA finds Olympic torch during room check