Paid for by: Carlos's Print Quota(cuz Student Senate is a buncha nerds)
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

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An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")
An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

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Readme Goes to Shul

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"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, …

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Some finals traditions!

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

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readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

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CMU Missed Connection

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

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An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."
An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

Readme Gets Deployed

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Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

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A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

A Letter from the Editor

I was on break :)

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From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

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Everyone I date becomes lesbian

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

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"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

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One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

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Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

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OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • All of Science wrong. Oops • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Remember to tip your TAs! • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • King Charles III to consider castling • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • All of Science wrong. Oops. • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Remember to tip your TAs! • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • King Charles III to consider castling • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace