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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Wins Gold


Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

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A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.
An illustration of a stick figure being attacked by the Scotty dog in the CMU logo, captioned "beware feral scottie dogs."

O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.
A photo of a lawn absolutely covered in lawn gnomes.

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

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A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.
An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.
A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.
A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

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Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".

Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

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A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.
An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

Some Popular Books

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

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A Very Readme Christmas

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The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.
OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Linguists invent new slur for couples • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • POLLS: President May Be Elected • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • King Charles III to consider castling • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • POLLS: President May Be Elected • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • King Charles III to consider castling • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death