Paid for by: the Deep State, the Illuminati, and all other shadow organizations. Except Student Senate tho.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Read more

Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

Read more


A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.
A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.
A handwriting worksheet for the letter C, labeled "C is for Carnegie Mellon", bearing the official CMU stamp.

Readme gets divorced

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

Read more

A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

Read more

CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

Read more

A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"
An image styled as a public service announcement stating "are you texting an UNDERCOVER COP? know the signs." It includes screenshots of three text messages: "Do you know where a fella can buy some perquisite? [sic]", "should i blow on the cartridges before i smoke them", and "Meet me by the big blue phone on Skibo"
A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.
A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".
"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Read more

My cat is an asshole

Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this …

Read more

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

Read more

A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

Read more

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

Read more

"READ ME presents: Tear-Off Universal Final Cheat Sheets™ (Patent Pending) © ®" [a rectangle with 16 pages of illegibly dense text, surrounded by dashed tear lines]

Argumentative Essay

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

Read more

Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Naughty List leaked • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Naughty List leaked. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person.