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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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Stop asking where I'm from

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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To My 8 A.M.s:

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

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Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

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CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

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Buggy: An Introduction

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:


1) You are short
2) You went …

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README POLLS

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The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the shittiest slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

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A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

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O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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A Very Readme Christmas

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README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …

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Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

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An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

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10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan

1) Better at news

Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.

2) Better words

Find me a single example of the Tartan using …

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Auntie readme's Advice

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

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A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

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An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

The Homosexual Conundrum

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

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Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

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CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

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Carnegie Mellon Updates Enrollment Contract, Since Nobody Reads Those Things Anyway: Here are Some of the Details

In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of …

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Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Statue of Liberty deported • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Statue of Liberty deported. • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report