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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

By Auntie Readme • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Genealogists have been left with more questions than answers

// Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"

Anonymous • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.

Reid Starzl • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

By "Tyan Rosh" & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

Readme Responds to The Allegations

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

"New study abroad program announced: Hell. Contact your advisor to apply today!" [image of Farnam Jahanian shaking hands with the devil, surrounded by flames] "*Tepper stuents will receive priority"

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …

We need to talk.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

You do the learning so we don't have to!

// Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Student gives 75 classmates AIVs

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to …

Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma