Vol 2, Issue 5: the issue in which readme loses its license and carries on regardless
Rejected Headlines
- "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA
- Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning
- CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in oncampus housing
- TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles
- Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor
- EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory
- Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkÂby shootings
- CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno
- POLLS: President May Be Elected
- Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions
- "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans
- Readme and the Tartan officially break up  "It’s not you, it’s me"
All this and more, not in this issue!
Readme Crime Report
As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!
Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly
Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …
...Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect
In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …
CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License
In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …
...ROTC caught building "stealth" booth
It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …
...Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5
It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …
...Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move
If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …
...18-100 to introduce larger toolkits
ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …
...CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner
With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …
Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted
Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …
...Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused
Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.
In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …
...A modern dialectic of oppression
In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …
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