Vol 6, Issue 0: KGB presents readme (PDF)
the issue in which the weary prisoners of Carnegie Mellon find solace in it's familiarity
Rejected Headlines
- Carnegie Mellon's cannibal-in-residence seem moping around campus: "so much for on-campus dining..."
- College of Fine Ats budget up 50% after a student finds a quarter and two dimes in the Mezzanine.
- Child of prophecy destined from birth to attend CMU rejects fate.
- View of Cathedral of Learning voted #1 CMU amenity for fifth consecutive year.
- Strip District not what student expected.
- Pittsburgh announces new bridge connecting two places that were already connected, like, five times.
- Seeing Walking to the Sky as boring as seeing photograph of Walking to the Sky, studies report.
All this and more, not in this issue!
Confessions of the Fence Eater
As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side of the story.
It all started when I was holding the Fence for an unnamed organization. I hadn’t eaten in 8 hours, and I couldn’t risk anybody stealing our turf as I snuck off to Ciao Bella. My gaze drifted to the paint-covered picnic table I was sitting at. …
A Freshman's Guide to Staying Healthy
Congratulations on starting your first year at Carnegie Mellon! Now that you’re in college, you can’t rely on your parents to keep you alive anymore. You have to get your own food, look after your own wellbeing, and avoid locking yourself in a hot car while you buy cigarettes. It’s a lot to think about! That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to create this comprehensive guide to health, fitness, and emotional tranquility. I survived my freshman year with only minimal hospital visits, and you can too!
Tip #1: Watch what you eat! Some foods are more calorie-dense than …
Self-Care For The Self-Destructive
Welcome, freshmen, to Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got a busy week ahead, one of so very many, so make sure you enjoy this one while it lasts. After all, come next week, and you will be launched into a world of coursework, clubs, and career choices that will define the rest of your life. No pressure!
That’s why it’s important to make O-Week count. You could do that by making new friends, learning about yourself, and getting to know this campus. But how about instead setting yourself up for a miserable four years ahead by taking care of your sweet, …
Are You a Lazy Bitch? Automating Your Human Interaction With Claude
Being a mediocre friend takes a lot of work. Is some dumb bitch blowing up your phone, asking inane questions like “are you free this weekend?” or if you “want to grab a drink :)”? Do you have a friend incapable of getting the hint that you do like them, but more of in a LinkedIn connection way? Are you tired of having to spend time and energy on maintaining enough social capital to use for networking opportunities in the future? The struggle is over. Claude Fable allows you to input biographical information about your friends to generate customized responses …
Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club
Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.
“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that call this institution home,” says Rajesh. “I mean, decades. You can literally taste it in some of these classrooms. It’s frightening. But that’s not the point.”
“It’s fundamentally an artistic endeavor,” ejaculates head director Owen Dickens. “That’s what everybody else gets wrong.”
Owen believes that pornography is about …
What happens if you don't find love during O-week?
I had just broken up with my girlfriend. She saw someone on the tour of her college she liked more than me. There was an option on the housing form called the “Romance Program.” It said that if you don’t find a partner during O-Week, you will work at an unethical company of your choosing. I chose Palantir. I have a very good memory of faces, so I relate to them a lot.
There were only options for heterosexual and Welch. Apparently the bisexual program “caused too much drama, and everybody wanted to work for Starbucks.” After a long …
Everything not on your ABP Everything Bagel
I asked for a bagel with everything on it, a coffee and apple to go,
They looked at me funny, like hey, little buddy, there’s something that you didn’t know:
It comes with the sesame, salmon and chili, and maybe a dollop of cheese,
But missing some magic that’s bound to be tragic if we didn’t put you at ease:
It’s missing the pasta, the Rev Noodle soup, and the infinite breakfast at Schatz,
There’s no second chances for four P.M. sign-ups, or leftover CMU hats,
We’re fresh out of friends who’ll stay til’ …
Stupid Baby Rabbits Keep Ruining My Brooding
Rabbit populations follow boom-bust cycles, and the Pittsburgh rabbit sex market is at an all time high. This wreaks havoc on native plants, spreads disease, and takes away from my most enjoyable hobby: being miserable. Sometimes I walk around Westinghouse pond and contemplate drowning myself in two feet of water (I’m 6’5 by the way), and I see a bunny the size of my first nibbling at a clover. Other times, I mope up and down the hills of the Schelney golf course, and see balls of fur hopping into the sunset. How am I supposed to brood under these …