Vol 5, Issue 9: readme summer school (PDF)
the issue in which we manage to ruin our grades at the last possible moment
Rejected Headlines
- Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study
- The impending draft will be great for my grad school resume
- How to have a hot AI data center summer
- In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue
- Goldfish no longer 'Snack that Smiles Back' due to political climate
- Should the student handbook legalize blackmail?
- Campus router upgrade ends in unexpected raw meat surprise.
- Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed
- Controversy over Rev Noodle slogan: "Are you ready for the revolution?"
- Bitches be tripping? Where? (I'm so desperate)
- CMU revises clone policy so you can take two exams at the same time
- Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student
- There's still time to hook up with your professor!
- Truancy StuCo shut down for record-low attendance
- Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today?
- Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude.
All this and more, not in this issue!
My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App
Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.
I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.
Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the way to the coffee shop. Everybody wants something purely physical these days. Well, I downloaded her at the last second— I know, pretty lame of me. We were ships crossing in the night, I could only activate the ticket right before the ride. But once we were in transit together, …
Finals Week Sestina
As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the AIV.
Is channeling ghosts in exams an AIV?
I’ll hash out my questions with Raymond John Wean.
I’m not sure if he can help with this class,
but my judgment is clouded by fear.
As quietly as if the world were asleep,
I whisper a refrain of Shit, shit, …
CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic
In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular lounging areas, the Cut and the Mall, with a layer of silt.
The administration often uses days with nice weather for promotional photos of campus, which could be adversely affected by the presence of students. University Communications and Marketing research has shown that the presence of students lying down …
Readme's Homework Eating Service
Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy of your homework to any member of Readme and they will promptly eat it. If your homework is digital, we are happy to accommodate by consuming your laptop or tablet.
If your professor requires proof of why you couldn’t complete your homework, simply take a picture of a member …
What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?
He's in prison.
Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final
Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has achieved an almost theological status. Most students cope by studying. The rest cope by not.
Enter Pierre Menard, a sophomore who rejected studying. His method was more … Iliano-esque. He adopted a French accent, began speaking about linked lists to an audience of first-years, and stood in front of …
