Vol 1, Issue 5: the issue in which we start investigating the strange happenings
Rejected Headlines
- CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs?
- Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street
- How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher
- Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator
- Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality  Report
- Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself
- Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025
- Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad.
- Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly"
- All of Science wrong. Oops.
All this and more, not in this issue!
Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al
After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …
...POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky
Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide. Auntie Readme was found dead, skewered …
...The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues
The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …
...README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan
Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO! We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous issue …
...Readme Responds to The Allegations
Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.
“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …
...CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds
A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …
SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns
A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …
...
