Vol 4, Issue 7: the issue in which we realize that the academic comeback may no longer be possible (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool.
- Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla.
- OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing?
- Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM".
- My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks”
- Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive.
- Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta.
- “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…”
- CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”.
- You could be sledding right now, but you're not.
- Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam.
- Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out
- End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea.
All this and more, not in this issue!
An Open Letter to CaPS
It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting time of year comes an increased number of calls to CaPS, the university’s counseling and psychological services. Now, I know that finals can be an annoying time for CaPS with all these kids calling, whining about their “mental struggles.” I understand, it gets tiring. Since when did CaPS become the …
Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery
With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.
Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various negative emotions such as stress, sadness, pain, jealousy, and others I don’t really care to list. Examining the misery report from last finals season, CMU generated a large portion of its misery output from stress, which has one of the highest known misery conversion ratios. Stress achieves this by decaying …
A College Student's Guide to saving money
As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the unfortunate position of being “broke”. Because of this, I have compiled my top money saving tips.
I hope that this can help some unfortunate people, especially my roommate who I caught re-wearing outfits.
Phones are rechargeable
I used to buy a new cellular phone every time mine …
Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math
Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal math during Structure of Materials. Mr. Amstutz, who lives in Fairfax 274 and leaves his door unlocked between 4 and 10 PM, wishes to remain anonymous, and so henceforth will be referred to as “Greg.”
Though Greg contacted us by mistake, after a little interrogation he confessed his fears …
My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over
I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English class. Like, this discrimination is going to kill my QPA.
From the very beginning, I could just tell that this professor and I were going to have problems. First, we’re sitting in lecture on the first day of class. The professor is droning on and on about the syllabus. …
CMU Finals rife with cheating
A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through the head of the person in the next row and view their exam paper. Knowing such a pursuit would be laughably fruitless, the proctor at first paid this strange behavior no mind. However, as the cheater continued to glance back down at their exam paper and back up at the …
4 Hacks to get an extension
It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. Great. On top of this, you’re starting to feel a disturbing sense that all your final projects are due in the same week. Nauseatingly, you’re also starting to realize that all your final exams are during the week after. Crazy how that happens. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, especially …
Homework Trouble
Dear Professor Choset,
I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and talked and did everything a robot should. I was jumping for joy, excited to show you and the other students of 16311 my technological marvel. But what happened, Professor Choset, was that another mechanical creature ran up to my project and tore it asunder! I looked at the little fiend’s …
Christmas tips for children of divorce
Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps to maximize your holiday experience:
Wait for your parents to start dating again. This process may take some years, but make sure to encourage them every step of the way. Say things like “Of course I don’t have a problem with you dating a woman twenty years younger than …
Interview with a recent grad
Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.
Could you state your name for the record?
Oh, I didn’t think that far ahead. Uh, give me a second…
Did…did you forget your own name?
Shut up. Just call me Engineer or something. Why do you wanna know anyways? What ever happened to privacy? People these days I …