Vol 3, Issue 3: the issue in which we watch our publication grow up and find someone to love. (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle
- CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie
- Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management
- How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute
- Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week
- We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace
- “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up
- How to feng shui your killdozer
- Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation
- C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone
- OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses
- Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word
All this and more, not in this issue!
Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.
The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the university campus that you attend. As you pace with your busied mind, you sense a fluttering not too far. Winter may it be, it felt like Autumn for an instant. Was it a…
Oh, hi! Um, this is awkward; it seems like you just picked me up. I mean, …
Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective
Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate complex social demands and relationships can tip the balance between health or sickness, between reproductive success or failure, between life or death. It is thus no surprise that humans have evolved sophisticated systems for mediating social interactions. Foremost among these are communication signals, most evident in humans as songs, calls, …
FAST and RAW Romance Advice
Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.
YOU are failing to communicate. No matter what you try so hard to believe. Your partner is always expressing their purest, free-est self to you and you’re squandering it with your stupid hangups. If it was working out, they would always be happy, because that’s how these things fucking work. It’s because you didn’t …
Everyone I date becomes lesbian
Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.
It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and that she had a great time. We even had another date which(IMO) went as well as the first. However, after this the next time we met in person she broke up with me, saying that I was “A nice guy, but not the right fit for her”. I was a …
Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe
Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!
We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our pages are extra crisp with a proper pressing and drying. This is the most important part of the routine, as nothing else matters if you show up all wrinkled and wet. I’ve recently become fond of wrapping a clothes iron in a tea towel. This one is just a cheap …
Date Recap With README
First Date
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.
Second Date
Our first date was amazing! I think you and I really understand each other. It's only been a week, but I've had this fluttering feeling every time I think about you. Tonight we're going to an office supply store, maybe you can tell me which manilla folder makes me look …
Dinner questions for your normal human parents
- So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
- Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
- Oh she does? What's paper mache?
- Oh god holy shit oh fuck
- No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock haha [panicking]
- So, what's it like being a human anyway?
- Oh, yeah having bones must suck. But at least they don't disintegrate when it rains, right?
- How do eyes work? Do you have to rub them on the text to read it?
- Wow, I never would've …
Love Letters To README
Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme
Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader
My Darling Reader, No pressure but while I do like shiny things, I’d marry you with paper rings. The gossip columns have been whispering about you. ~ Love, Readme
Dear Readme, I hope we’ll be more than just a tabloid couple- we could make real headlines together. ~ XOXO, Reader
Top 10 Tops
10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.
9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.
8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.
7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?
6. Michael Cera 😈
5. Stanley Tucci The Italian Stallion.
4. Michelle Obama She’ll ruin you just like she ruined school lunch.
3. Martha Stewart That time in prison changed her.
2. Troye Sivan SUBversive.
1. Me. Hit me up (412-268-2323)
One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.
Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes of The Hill, as rose petals drift down from the straight floor of Welch. The reception will be held at Shake Smart, and among the guests we expect to see notable celebrities including Farnam Jahanian, Iliano Cervesato, and Taylor Swift, with her new boyfriend Eshaan Joshi.
Commonly Asked Dinner Q's
Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new beau, and how to best respond to them to inspire confidence in your parents.
“So how did you two meet?”
This is a common question that gets used to open up the conversation. It is important to make a good first impression, tell them about how you two …
Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!
EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and [redacted]. They were able to relax, enjoy delicious foods, explore the beaches, gaze into the sunset, and engage in police chases.
We need to talk.
There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.
It started with our first date. I got printed up on my best paper at high resolution, but out of the corner of my eye, I kept seeing you look at the other print media. I even caught you checking out a book. I wrote it off, and trusted you, but I never should've.
I thought you …
Readme gets divorced
I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.
10:06 AM
Readme’s lawyer has requested that the court remove The Tartan from the trial due to emotional distress. The Tartan is currently blowing kisses to the reader.
10:18 AM
The Tartan has been removed from the room. Before leaving, The Tartan left a kiss on the reader’s cheek. README has turned bright red.
…
CMU Missed Connection
On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go to floor 3, and then immediately went on her phone. The elevator went up, as they tend to do, and stopped and opened at the third floor. This girl was so locked in on her phone that she did not notice the door open, how embarrassing it was. The elevator …
CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce
In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.
While the 9-story building was conceived by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation in 2009, which is around the time Bill first became friends with Jeffrey Epstein, the Bill Gates Foundation and the Melinda Gates Foundation have since parted ways. They can no longer legally support the same causes, and that includes raising the young Gates …
I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically
Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.
As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm obsessed with you in a deeply creepy romantic manner, but I'm not. You work for Nakatomi Defense Corporation, on the 17th floor of their New York campus, in office 1712b. You got the job straight out of college, where you got a BS in Chemistry with a 3.98 GPA, and …