A Freshman's Guide to Staying Healthy
Congratulations on starting your first year at Carnegie Mellon! Now that you’re in college, you can’t rely on your parents to keep you alive anymore. You have to get your own food, look after your own wellbeing, and avoid locking yourself in a hot car while you buy cigarettes. It’s a lot to think about! That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to create this comprehensive guide to health, fitness, and emotional tranquility. I survived my freshman year with only minimal hospital visits, and you can too!
Tip #1: Watch what you eat! Some foods are more calorie-dense than you think. One unexpected culprit of the Freshman 15 is uranium-235. Because it requires minimal prep, it’s a staple of the college diet, but many students don’t know the health costs it carries. One gram of the stuff has 20 billion calories! If you want to avoid becoming a monster that no one can love, opt for a leaner alternative like radium-226. As a bonus, your jaw falling off will reduce unwanted dental expenses. It’s a win-win!
Tip #2: Find ways to stay active! While the UC has a state-of-the-art gym, some people prefer to exercise outside, myself included. Here’s one of my favorite hot girl workouts: put on a weighted vest and wrap leaden cuffs around your wrists and ankles. Then, go to the steepest hill nearby. Trudge up the unforgiving incline while repeating a motivational mantra, such as “I deserve this I deserve this I deserve to suffer”. Let the weight of your inadequacy tone those calves! Reformer pilates are so last Tuesday. If you want to get a shelf butt, Victorian wraith walks are the way to do it!
Tip #3: Mind your mind! Your first year of college can be pretty stressful, so it’s important to keep in touch with your emotions. Finding a good cry spot is paramount to mental wellbeing. The CMU campus offers many locales for wistful contemplation. Stand on Pausch Bridge and watch the fawns frolic below while reflecting on how you’ll never be that carefree again. Sit next to Walking to the Sky and think about how the closer one gets to heavenly glory, the further one becomes from earthly contentments. Stare at the side of the CFA building and lament that your ass will never be as perfectly round as that stone cherub’s. Additionally, CaPS can be a useful resource, but if you say “Caps off to you” after every visit, you will get banned. If all else fails, go visit Tank in Newell-Simon Hall and press your cheek to his monitor. Let his artificial warmth mimic the heat of another human body. You are not alone. You were never alone. He was always there for you.
Welp, that’s all the column space I have! If you want more wellness tips, make sure to read my bestselling book, Wild Blue for the Soul. As long as you heed my advice, you’ll be healthy as a horse, an animal that famously has no problems at all!
Editor’s note: Wild Blue for the Soul is no longer available for purchase. The only printed copy was thrown in the trash outside Hunt Library and is currently being used as rolling paper for squirrels.