Confessions of the Fence Eater
As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side of the story.
It all started when I was holding the Fence for an unnamed organization. I hadn’t eaten in 8 hours, and I couldn’t risk anybody stealing our turf as I snuck off to Ciao Bella. My gaze drifted to the paint-covered picnic table I was sitting at. Beautiful splotches of color pierced the clouds of my dreary mind and empty stomach. Throwing caution to the wind, I scratched a bit off with my fingernail and licked it. It melted in my mouth – bitter yet oh so sweet.
Reader, it was heaven.
For the rest of that hour, I clawed at that table, chasing that flavor, that feeling. It was bare when I left. Not one person batted an eye at the suddenly drab planks. That gave me confidence. I knew what I needed to do.
After the club left early that morning, I struck. Armed with a hammer and chisel, I chipped away at one of the Fence’s posts. Once I got a few layers deep, I sunk my teeth in. Oh, how the flavors blended together! The fruitiness of the acrylics, the earthy tones of the warm colors, and the palette-cleansing blacks and whites. Best of all, though, was when I got to nearly the center and I tasted something unique – sweet in a way the other paints hadn’t been, yet oddly familiar.
However, as my tongue worked desperately at that hard-to-reach spot, coaxing sweetness from layer after layer, I heard distant shouts and suddenly felt rough hands tugging at my legs. The CMUPD were brutally forcing me away from my peaceful feast, shouting names to shame my proclivities: “fence-eater,” “maniac,” and “that one weirdo they want to kick out of that club.”
Despite the disgusted gazes of my former classmates, I regret nothing. The only person harmed in this fiasco was myself, as I lost two teeth when the officers yanked me off the fence. Yet, as they dragged me to Warner Hall, I finally placed that incredible taste from the Fence’s center:
It was exactly like my dorm’s tap water.