Vol 5, Issue 2: the issue in which we celebrate the greatest human tradition of them all (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond?
- Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights.
- Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030.
- Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU
- "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport.
- Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it
- Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh
- Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student
- RA finds Olympic torch during room check
- Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls.
- I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report.
- CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead.
All this and more, not in this issue!
Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics
With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.
In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break with the weight of multiple people or strenuous physical activity, under the guise of their “sustainability”. One athlete, Danish figure skater Ahn Derink, was dreading their return.
“Why put so many hot, young, muscular athletes in the same place if you don’t want them to fuck?” asks Derink, when …
CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language
The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none of the standard complaints apply to him. Despite solely teaching Gen Z students, the self-proclaimed “Math Rizzler” is rumored to give lectures that are so packed with Gen Z language that they are nearly incomprehensible.
Hence I decided to sit in on Professor Rizzler’s 21-267 “Skibidi Differential Equations.” I …
First ever PI-Parent conferences
Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.
University officials said the initiative was introduced in response to strong demands from both PIs and parents. Several PIs requested the conferences after observing patterns of procrastination, lab misconduct, and interpersonal conflicts that they describe as “developmentally consistent with middle schoolers.” “You would expect them to behave like adults,” said a professor supportive of the initiative, “But a …
My cat is an asshole
Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this knowledge? Sit in front of it in order to torment the neighborhood dogs. Do you know how awkward it is to say to your neighbor “oh, sorry your dogs are barking, my cat is testing out optimal methods of torture?” My pet dog, her brother, was no exception. Even when …
2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball
Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.
GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena to relish in the brutal spectacle of the greatest sport known to tigerkind. The game’s progenitor, Calvin, actually played an orthodox 1v1 format of Calvinball, but the game has changed much since its inception in 1985. Botswana walked first onto the field with their squadron of 56 players. Due to …
CMU to host the Olympic Games
JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) – CMU was officially selected to host the upcoming Olympic Games. According to recent investigative reporting, the International Olympic Committee had approached Carnegie Mellon as the spearhead of a new program to engage major world universities in athletics.
As put by myriad CMU students we met on the Cut …
Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics
In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.
“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on the usage of performance-enhancing drugs.” Coventry stated during the press conference, “In recent years, this battle has become prohibitively challenging. After careful consideration, the committee has decided to pivot its approach entirely. We believe this is the right move to reward researchers who have been quietly making athletes faster, stronger, …
Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to expect some hiccups, such as 37 snow plows breaking down within a few hours of the downpour. Things happen! A city must, however, maintain a certain standard of living for its citizens. As many are already painfully aware, Pittsburgh has fallen painfully short of this duty: there are not enough …
Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman
No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS could keep the HVAC operating.
Dr. Montague had set up camp for the duration of finals week, intending to study the effects of prolonged wakefulness on undergraduate students “in the wild,” a phrase he used with a straight face, as if anything at Carnegie Mellon could plausibly be described …
We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human
Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.
In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that I'm not a machine. Here goes nothing!
While some readers may appreciate the consistent quality and yield of machine-generated content, others prefer the unique voice that only a human writer can provide. In this article, I'll be delving into why I embody the traits of a human. This article …
Modern technology comes for us all
Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of his plush green directors’ chair, armed with a Staples laser pointer rather than a quiverful of arrows—though both are guaranteed to set people of all genders quivering. Today, he does his work behind voice calls and LED screens. Where did it go wrong?
Enter Ben and Susie; now a …
Stop asking where I'm from
So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"
I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. A tidbit of basic info.
Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. Now I have to stammer out a self-deprecating joke about 'being not like the other Bay Area students'.
Just because I'm a math major, just because I have a secret desire to transfer to SCS and make an …