Self-Care For The Self-Destructive
Welcome, freshmen, to Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got a busy week ahead, one of so very many, so make sure you enjoy this one while it lasts. After all, come next week, and you will be launched into a world of coursework, clubs, and career choices that will define the rest of your life. No pressure!
That’s why it’s important to make O-Week count. You could do that by making new friends, learning about yourself, and getting to know this campus. But how about instead setting yourself up for a miserable four years ahead by taking care of your sweet, sweet self-destructive tendencies?
If you want to make the least of Orientation Week, start by not participating in any of the events, even the ones that sound fun. Instead, lock yourself in your dorm room and scare any potential new friends (read: wastes of time) away by saying you have endless diarrhea.
If you do have to venture outside, make sure to only interact with people you’re sure to hate by next week. If your skin isn’t crawling, you’re not doing it right! Seal the deal by finding someone you absolutely admire and comparing yourself to them at every turn. Bonus points if you develop a crush on them, never say anything about it, and let the despair grow to hatred in your heart.
When interacting with your new enemies, make sure to compare AP scores, high school grades, extracurriculars and first semester unit loads. Behave as egotistical as possible on the outside, but make sure your insecurities leave you curled up at fetal position when it’s time to go to bed! A good rule of thumb is, if you’re laughing and feeling good about yourself, you’re doing it wrong.
You’re going to hear about a whole lot of campus clubs and organizations, and it’s important you sign up for all of them! Don’t actually attend, of course, because your skills are totally inadequate and they won’t want you there. Instead, stay on the mailing list and sit and watch as they host fun events without you.
If you do choose to participate in an extracurricular activity, remember that it’s only as good as can be expressed on your resume. They say the University of Chicago is where fun goes to die; Here, fun goes to be repackaged into three concise bullet points that stay on your resume until you (hopefully!) get a real job.
As classes start, remember that professors don’t want you to succeed, and you should take their attitude in stride by not trying at all. The TA’s won’t help you either, they’re just here for the money. You’re better off banging your head against the wall alone in your dorm room and then resorting to ChatGPT when all else fails. Despite not being able to handle your course-load, sign up for more and more classes. 60 units is for babies, you can do more than that!
(Pro tip: Leave FirstYear Writing for your junior year, you’ll have plenty of time for it.)
If you have free time—and why do you have free time, peasant?—don’t bother exploring the “rest of Pittsburgh”. Pittsburgh consists of your dorm, Schatz, and the Hunt Library, that’s it. Nothing else matters. If you absolutely must, you can visit the neighboring University of Pittsburgh and think about how much fun they’re having. That could have been you, but alas, you went to private school.
Remember that person you developed a crush on, earlier? Ignore them. Give them the silent treatment. Instead, get yourself into situationships with people you don’t like. It’s a known fact that STDs don’t count freshman year, actually. There’s an amnesty period. Go forth and fornicate as unsafely as possible!
When your mental health starts crumbling before your eyes, remember not to ask for help. Don’t talk to your RA, they’ll just bust you for having weed. Or adderall. Or alcohol. Speaking of those things, you should try dabbling in all three at once. Remember, most drugs do a lot better when crushed. Nasal Ibuprofen has been going crazy for me lately. I’m sure it will make you feel better, too!
Now that you’re depressed and lonely on your dorm room floor, here’s just a little more advice:
We all die alone. But some of us die with 4.0s and Nvidia stock options, and the rest have fun during their Freshman Orientation Week. But if the stress of it all gets to you, and you feel like it’s a bit too much, drop by Doherty Hall 1211, every Saturday at 5 P.M. We’ll get your resignation squared away.