Vol 2, Issue 1: the issue in which we reveal the dark and seedy underbelly of Carnegie's finest publication (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show.
- Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen.
- In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen
- English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English
- New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse
- Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students
- Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels
- QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you!
- Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations
- In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today!
- Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn
All this and more, not in this issue!
A Letter from the Editor
It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread in our time as an institution on this campus, and we hope you use it to blackmail as many of us as possible.
In other news, following a hectic week of classes, many readme staff members have dropped dead from exhaustion, overwork, and other CMU-specific diseases. A new ChatGPT …
Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law
Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its official reopening, Scobell House will be closed or risk being repossessed by the Pennsylvanian government to be subsequently demolished.
According to CMU Housing Services, an anonymous student, who is in no way associated with the author of this article, alerted the Pennsylvania government that Scobell House was in violation …
I Fucking Hate the 54
Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in front of our eyes. While one may not hear antitrans rhetoric from no one other than the schizophrenics putting up posters that "jews are kidnapping our eastern european Page 2 children" , people who worship today's political equivalent of a golden calf, and pickup truck owners, its spirit manifests in …
The Best Crime Report
It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.
AY, AY! LOCAL MAGAZINE UNDER PFETA FIRE
Recently, a local CMU satire magazine has come under fire from PFETA, the slightly more radical version of PETA, for using the endangered ayeayes to help write articles. When asked to comment, the editorinchief has denied all claims of any animals being …
CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years
At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with a publication named The Tartan, with RU's student publication also sharing this exact name. "Given our school's namesake, we would be remiss not to pursue legal action in the name of the great American spirit of enterprise and capitalism", explains the spokesperson.
Details for legal action against RU were …
A fun spin on a popular childhood game
Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of this popular game. On Tuesday, September 3rd, 2024, a group of students were seen chasing each other on bicycles in front of Hamerschlag hall in the morning dew. I at first could not believe my eyes, no one was wearing any helmets, and when I questioned these young folks everything …
README Insurance Scam Comes to Light
Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.
The police investigation is still ongoing as to whether he claimed the insurance, but from what is known it seems there are several clauses in readMe’s employment contract written in white font. One of these makes Eshaan the claimant of the signer’s life insurance. It seems that this then led him …
North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University
Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a new national holiday has been created to celebrate this occasion, where we have been guaranteed that every citizen WILL be joyous. I was informed the military will be working around the clock to enforce the festivities, so I am sure all of the strong and sexy soldiers of North Korea …
Readme Communists Exposed!
It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This violent fever took down the Russian Empire in 1917, the Roman Empire in 476, and nearly toppled our great American Empire in the 1950s. If we do not purge our righteous organization of these 15 communist spies, it will certainly join other nations in a slow and painful death.
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