Vol 2, Issue 1: the issue in which we reveal the dark and seedy underbelly of Carnegie's finest publication
Rejected Headlines
- Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show.
- Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen.
- In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen
- English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English
- New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse
- Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for firstÂweek students
- Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels
- QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you!
- Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations
- In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today!
- Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlÂQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn
All this and more, not in this issue!
A Letter from the Editor
It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …
...Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law
Scobell House is currently the only allÂ-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-Âmale dormitory to an allÂ-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …
...I Fucking Hate the 54
Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transÂrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …
...The Best Crime Report
It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.
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...CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years
At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …
...A fun spin on a popular childhood game
Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …
...README Insurance Scam Comes to Light
Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.
The …
...North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University
Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …
...Readme Communists Exposed!
It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …
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