Violet R. Blu
she/her
Staffwriter
Communications, 2038 (master’s program)
Bio
I’m a hard-nosed student journalist. I spend my time cutting through the lies and lying on the Cut.
Fun fact
I dislike poetry.
Location
the oft-forgotten F-tower
Latest
CMU rankings rise after James takes leave of absence
The CMU community has a lot to celebrate this week, after US News and World Report moved Carnegie Mellon up seven spots on their college rankings from #21 to #14. School administrators are throwing parties, tour guides are updating their scripts, and Tartans everywhere are spitting on the graves of whatever school rejected them. Fuck you, Vanderbilt! You’ll never be #14. You didn’t deserve me and you can’t hurt me anymore! At least, that’s the kind of thing that lots of, um... other people are saying...
In light of this recent acclaim, many people are wondering how CMU improved …
How to Spice Things Up in the Study Lounge
Have you ever noticed how schoolwork is boring but sex is super fun? If you have, you’re not alone. The good news is that you can combine the two. If you want straight As and straight Os, read this handy (no pun intended) guide!
Sexy study strategy #1: Put your work somewhere you can’t help but look. Solve matrices in whipped cream on your boyfriend’s back. Use your girlfriend’s right titty as a normal distribution curve. Project a PDF onto your partner’s foot and annotate with your tongue. This method makes boring information impossible to forget. When you’re sitting …
The Death of a CFA Grass Farmer
The barren time comes every year and we are never ready. No matter how hard we labor, our stores only dwindle. Futility strokes my dingus with her cold hands, never granting me the mercy of release. We cannot outwork the famine. We cannot outrun the tent.
It comes every August. We wake to the sound of construction. We rise to see a monstrous shadow blocking out the sun. The tent looms. Its shape suggests a church, but it is unholy. Its walls are virgin white, but it is depravity manifest. Beneath its vinyl floor lies our very sustenance. Each …
A Freshman's Guide to Staying Healthy
Congratulations on starting your first year at Carnegie Mellon! Now that you’re in college, you can’t rely on your parents to keep you alive anymore. You have to get your own food, look after your own wellbeing, and avoid locking yourself in a hot car while you buy cigarettes. It’s a lot to think about! That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to create this comprehensive guide to health, fitness, and emotional tranquility. I survived my freshman year with only minimal hospital visits, and you can too!
Tip #1: Watch what you eat! Some foods are more calorie-dense than …
Finals Week Sestina
As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the AIV.
Is channeling ghosts in exams an AIV?
I’ll hash out my questions with Raymond John Wean.
I’m not sure if he can help with this class,
but my judgment is clouded by fear.
As quietly as if the world were asleep,
I whisper a refrain of Shit, shit, …
Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method
Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. Then, they would induce labor the morning of race day.
The method unfolds in two parts. As the driver takes the first downhill, they must fight to stay pregnant. Extra weight means extra momentum, and on the course, every kilogram meter per second matters. While some train their pelvic …
