Staffwriter
Pursuing a BS in Undecided, class of 2028. You'll never guess my name.
Staff Writer
Spokane's unfunniest engineer
A Dead Jellyfish washed up on Racoon State Park Beach on August 15th, 2025. After 48 minutes, it be…
Staff Artist
Over the years my power has only grown. One day I will become powerful enough to defeat global warm…
God's silliest soldier and most powerful poster creator
I study things that let me build things. I do an unhealthy amount of clubs. Do not throw food i…
Archith Sharma is a student at Carnegie Mellon who is hell bent on pointing out CMU's idiosyncrasie…
One of a select few talented people on this staff.
Staffwriter, Artist, Obligatory English Major
Yes, I am a real person. README'S number one and only journalist since 1984
Hailing from a place of good, if not always sound, breeding (one mustn't blame the fellow for their…
I like animals and plants
nothing has ever happened to me an I have never done anything (in a non suspicious way)
Single citron looking for love. Likes: Long periods standing in the same spot, judaism, mediter…
Senior Advisor, Staff Artist
no i dont - direct quote when asked if he had a bio
my name is Elliot rice and I am me. I am Elliot rice. He is also Elliot rice. This is why I am Elli…
Editor-in-Chief, Strikebreaker, Labor Law Violator
Affable idiot with a pen
im self-undiagnosing, nothing is wrong with me
Staffwriter, Lead Gavin, Nutrients
Gavin is a thought-leader, activist, and thingy-maker from San Gabriel, California. He first learne…
Readme's goodest boy
woof woof bark bark
Chief Technical Officer, Staffwriter
Part time student, full time silly goober
House Plant was bought by your mom and placed in direct sunlight yesterday. She's already dehydrate…
Cryptid Corner
Writer of Cryptid Corner
This guys in Tepper, and he wants you to know it.
Jupiter is the god of the skies. When they're not busy smiting commoners, they enjoy being a planet…
Quack.
bald
Intern
Ian Turner, known typically by his nickname "Meat", is ReAdMe's loyal intern, who does anything we …
I'm the guy who didn't know Pittsburgh had rivers for most of his freshman year.
I am a collective hallucination
None of the potentially incriminating things I've said in internal Readme communications (namely ██…
i'm literally just a bird (not a government drone)
Likes stuff
2 truths 1 lie this is the lie this is the lie this is the lie
adhd creature
Lead Copy Editor, Staffwriter
Tali is a judgmental bitch who prefers critiquing others' work instead of creating her own, which i…
I’m a hard-nosed student journalist. I spend my time cutting through the lies and lying on the Cut.
personal information
my linkedin full of a bunch of short-term "career experiences" is called a hustle, sweetheart, not …
Readme's dedicated word possessor superfan.
Staffwriter, Fan girl
Part time journalist full time fan girl
Unknowable and Mysterious
Real Human Staffwriter
Jordan Harper is an award-winning journalist and the lead columnist for rEaDme, a publication known…
Staffwriter, Science Correspondent
I have a PhD in every possible field, and am proudly tenured here at Carnegie Mellon University.
Loud people are the bane of my existance.
[redacted]
Anti Pro Free Speech
Guest Writer
These hooligans keep using "the fuck word" and I will not stand for it
Chief Homosexual
Hello Queers! I am READMEs gayest writer (a tough competition). I am here to share the gay experi…
not telling you anything
North Korea
My name is John Autism but that’s funny because I don’t even have autism
It is I, John Booth, the inventor of booth
I hate communism.
Good Christian Mother of America
Rat brain
Created in a lab
Born to a wealthy landowning family in Surrey, England, Maximillian Bartholemew III, is our highly …
Patriotic for CMU
Staffwriter, Archaeologist
I belong in a museum
only reporter to cover politics you don't care about
Currently stuck inside of RFK Jr's brain, please get me out of here
I am the sentient embodiment of this cursed publication. I have thoughts and feelings too.
Misogyny. Involuntary celibacy. Insurmountable greed. These may seem like negative traits to you, b…
Pilk Enthusiast
I Love Pilk
random guest or whatever, not artist
You met me once by a city bus stop and really wish you didn’t
Writer by trade, Sigma Male by passion
Despite what you may have heard about me, I do not hate women, rather I just want women to leave me…
I'm a uh...big fan of infrastructure. A really big fan of it. Like the big fan they have to remove …
readme's milkiest writer
Capitlism
I am proof that men don't have the be the only horrible politicians
Protest Counter
Count von Count's number 1 fan! Definitely not the count himself. That vvould be very silly.
i am flowers
Voted 5x "World's Most Reliable News Writer", Whis L. Blower has never shies away from a challenge …
Why do all the people at CMU have mommy issues? I'm only one woman
Former circus member, Lifelong Habsburg family member <3
Aquafina Company Representative
perhaps better known as auntie readme. almost certainly not a cat.
Academic Weapon
I kiss wet rats
Operations Manager, Staffwriter
i'm the one who wrote the dysphoria article
Staffwriter, Union Agitator, Special Correspondent to Dr. Et Al
I don't know what I am doing.
Staffwriter, Layout Manager
Jonathan doesn't know how he made it onto exec but he somehow enjoys privileges' that nobody else d…
Kevin isn't literate, so we make him draw some of the pictures. We also use him as the printing goo…
Chief Technical Officer, server rack owner, revenge bedtime procrastinator
𝐼𝒻 𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝓂𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒾𝓉 𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒, 𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝓂𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒾𝓉 𝒶𝓃𝓎𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 ♡ I ❤️ NY | PRISM Chair 🛜 | Creative W…
Sorry im like kinda dying rn - art major
Disease spreader, Distribution Manager, Radio ReadMe Host, Evil
Famed private detective and definitely not a person.
Contributor, Web developer
Has contributed absolute nothing to ReadMe and may very well not exist.
Staffwriter, Webmaster
Sometimes sillying. Periodically serious'd.
![Enu [redacted]](/media/author_images/1000_F_382007426_Tsexr9mksu4N2dJBEMvbkf1pKSKC6ugQ.jpg)
