Vol 3, Issue 2: the issue in which we give the reader tips and tricks for a comfortable and welcoming home. (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96.
- Demolition Company breaks up married couple.
- Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde
- GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved.
- Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera
- Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children.
- Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking.
- World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video.
- How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it.
- Lube offered for Wean holes.
- Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees
- Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide.
- How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens
- Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good)
All this and more, not in this issue!
I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)
Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you
Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I have seen your
Semi-erect penis
Pigeons cover your grave
And I shouldn’t be surprised
As I am in Central Park
Beady eyed freaks remind me of you
My fists aren’t for the birds
They are for the walrus
And by walrus I mean you
I dig and pry …
Feng Shui to make you forget them
Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there at the right time and place. You can still revel in the aftermath, you poor single soul, because not all hope is lost. At least not for your mental health, because in today’s guide, README will teach you how to use classical Chinese interior design techniques to reclaim the space …
How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home
With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a space that's truly your own, not just a dirt-floored maze of two-by-fours. Check out these five tips for bringing your space to life!
1. Partition spaces to create a cozy atmosphere
Often, crawl spaces will have short ceilings and large, open floor plans. This can create a sense …
New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins
The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all over the country multiple squatters throughout the northern areas of the country have been located. Rather than try to go through the cumbersome, unliberal, and frankly un-American battle of forcing them out of their homes, they have been offered a chance to show how much they care about their new …
How to 'Home Alone' your dorm
Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.
For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally torturing and mutilating two unsuspecting anti-plumbers who tried to enter his home. Taking inspiration from the traps in that classic you too can keep your roommate out from entering your dorm(or at least from entering your dorm again).
The first trap is a classic: the incinerating door handle. If …
Feng Shui for ruining your life
Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room apartment can be transformed into the soul-sucking hovel of your dreams.
First, pick a building near an intersection with heavy traffic. Mudge, Morewood Gardens, and Residence on Fifth are all recommended locations. If you are living off campus, try to find an apartment complex that is also close to …
Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!
With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price range for many of us. Considering the heater will only be used for about another month or so, many of us can’t justify spending so much money! But, because staying warm is incredibly important, we here at ReadME have compiled a few cheap and easy ways to stay warm during …
A Song for Dear Ol' Tech
I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium
I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to Wean to Hamerschlag
Complained about insomnia with Red Bull in my sleeping bag
I try to brag but sometimes the imposter syndrome gets to me
I'm pretty sure that half this school still wants to go to MIT
But that's okay I know that I'm an academic superstar
I've …
To My 8 A.M.s:
Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,
On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.
A truly magical day awaits, that starts at lovely number 8.
—
Up! We are Up! I beg myself to rise At the hour of seven-forty, Peeling crust from out my eyes,
On a magical new Wednesday I have once again arose For an 8 am that I, against all …
The Homosexual Conundrum
Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally signed up to donate my blood.
Woefully, on that fateful day, tragedy struck. I was filling out the patient intake form, when I was hit with the dreaded question: have you had anal sex with another man in the past three months? I felt a single tear form in …
A PSA to check the CO detectors
Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.
I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to eat, to carry, to use those little spindly legs for their clandestine shuffling. The ants are not allowed in the wall. Installing one carbon monoxide detector on each wall is the only thing that keeps the ants away. The ants took my wife Linda. I miss Linda.
Sometimes, when …
Crystals for home improvement
2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie Mellon University, by thousands of anxious, imbalanced, and incredibly unhinged students.
You may be wondering where to put your crystals. Consider hanging them in your fridge, giving your roommates a fun little surprise when they go looking for the glowing petri dishes of mold colonies they stashed in there …
How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat
So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized urban Western-Pennsylvanian universities, of which CMU is the most illustrious. While it may seem complicated to acquire one, Readme has you covered. We can’t guarantee that the cat will survive the ordeal you will put it through, but you’ll have the cat in your possession, that’s for sure.
The …
Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks
Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your market, and you talk about your businesses and why you love your family (ugh). You have a good reputation. Every week, a nondescript hooded figure stops by and buys 24 watermelons, and their purchases only seem suspicious like half the time. You pay the neighborhood kids twice minimum wage to …
Overheard at CMU
Jan. 19
inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG
Jan. 22
"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"
"That's so messed up. My cousin did it on purpose."
"Yeah my cousin did it to a tuna"
"You guys are disgusting. My tuna jacked off my cousin"
Jan. 24
"One of my favorite hobbies is going to punk shows. I linger near the mosh …
Readme Reviews
Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.
50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when deciding what color to paint my dorm room. The author has compiled a lengthy list of beautiful shades for interior and exterior decorators alike.
Part 1 begins with a section of nearly-white shades, gradually fades into bright winter grays, and finishes with a set of dry stone hues. This …