Vol 2, Issue 2: the issue in which the writing staff of this fine publication choose to exercise their rights
Founder's Body Found in Doherty
Following clues left behind by various escapees of the
Doherty CĀ-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered
the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the
recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of
the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States,
and ...
Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff
On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper āreadmeā, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, which he refused to pay, while Mr. Joshi went on to buy avocado toas...
(New) Intern's Report
We have intern, Ian āMeatā Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? internās note- understood
strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.
iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved bY our carnegie mellon FAMILY, Has fallen under rOugh timeS due To An onGoing strikE...
Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature
āIt is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable careerā ā Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their faith in their job security crumbles. Sure, much of the movi...
readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"
In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMeāa publication known for its groundbreaking reportingāhas issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not an attempt to phase out its talented staff of wordsmiths....
README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters
The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovahās Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: āEshaan works us ātill weāre dust, and he wonāt fucking pay usā. Weeks of worker tensions had finally boiled over into an all-out README strike, and Carnegie Mellonās most middlingly competent authors were tak...
An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People
In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"Ā¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, and even ended up interviewing both awake and asleep people to help us answer this very important question...
CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest
In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. āItās a nightmare,ā one student said, āI canāt even do group work in the library without that purple bastard coming ...
A Letter From The Editor
Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is only the grey plod of Carnegie Mellon.
Meanwhile, it seems my entire writing staff has gone on strike, and personally...