Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean
Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia covering the walls of the beige-bathed building.
Thanks to our 24/7 news crew permanently stationed (not stuck) in the out-of-order Wean elevator, ReadMe snagged an exclusive interview with Cher Redder, the surprisingly unbothered Civil Engineering major responsible for carrying out the directives of the administration.
~~
Good …
5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need
Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any healthy child some essential oils, and they’ll be healthy in no time. Before you turn to Big Pharma this winter, I’d like to share my alternative medicine hacks. Without further ado, here are the top 5 inessential oils that mamas are saying they can live without!
Number 1: Peppermint …
MLM vs MLM vs MLM: Everything YOU need to know
The modern world is filled with confusing new acronyms, and it seems like more crop up every day. The most insidious example is “MLM”, an amorphous concept that no person seems to truly understand and which appears to shift meaning with no regard to context.
I speak, of course, of the following three phrases: multi-level-marketing, man-loving-man, and Marxist-Leninist-Maoist. No user of the acronym MLM can truly know which of these concepts they are referring to, resulting in probably the most deep-reaching misunderstanding of the English language ever recorded in our history.
Now, dear reader, let me enlighten you. …
So you want to TA a class
Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.
Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively straightforward: answer Ed posts, hold office hours, grade homework, teach a recitation or two. However, this is just surface level TA work. In order to be a true TA, you need to be doing much more.
Before you apply to be a TA, you should be proficient with at …
Anti Anti Aging Cream
Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!
Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's a super simple product you put on your face twice, once a day. This product penetrates deep into your pores, making you look so old that people may think you're a walking zombie! Despite the FDA’s claims, this probably isn’t battery acid, and our product is known for working …
Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations
For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.
In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended a DRHS football game. Doherty Regional’s home team, the Diaperwolves, played hard and beat the opposing team 23-16. Despite the team’s stellar performance, the crowd seemed focused on one thing and one thing only: DRHS’s mascot, Desmond the Diaperwolf. Someone, presumably an underpaid gym teacher, stood in front of the …
Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes
On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe are happy to report that an easy and accessible solution has been found. If you’re a student organization struggling to stay afloat in the turbulent political climate of CMU, here’s how you can make some extra club money.
Step 1: Set Up
The first step in making your …
Tales from Beyond Frick Park II
The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.
The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and the campus pretended not to notice. Administrators spoke in soothing euphemisms: integration, interdisciplinary collaboration, shared vision. Students, dirty and horny, knew the truth.
Similarly, contractors reported noises that did not seem structurally sound. Grinding zinc, groaning masonry, clenched rebar. Forms strained and steel sang. It was loud, it was …
Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough
Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.
There seems to be a popular trend spread by liberals right now, of bitching and whining about climate change and all of its terrible implications. One cannot help but wonder what it is about global warming that petrifies liberals so. Does its promise of warmth remind them of the warmth with which their mother once caressed them, and …
I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist
It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on Instagram charging for admission was a scam (it was, as evidenced by the subsequent police tape). In the middle of The Cut sat a table manned by men. Before I could invent an excuse, I was being introduced to the College Conservatives. They were surprisingly friendly, especially compared to the …
Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics
With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.
In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break with the weight of multiple people or strenuous physical activity, under the guise of their “sustainability”. One athlete, Danish figure skater Ahn Derink, was dreading their return.
“Why put so many hot, young, muscular athletes in the same place if you don’t want them to fuck?” asks Derink, when …
CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language
The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none of the standard complaints apply to him. Despite solely teaching Gen Z students, the self-proclaimed “Math Rizzler” is rumored to give lectures that are so packed with Gen Z language that they are nearly incomprehensible.
Hence I decided to sit in on Professor Rizzler’s 21-267 “Skibidi Differential Equations.” I …
First ever PI-Parent conferences
Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.
University officials said the initiative was introduced in response to strong demands from both PIs and parents. Several PIs requested the conferences after observing patterns of procrastination, lab misconduct, and interpersonal conflicts that they describe as “developmentally consistent with middle schoolers.” “You would expect them to behave like adults,” said a professor supportive of the initiative, “But a …
My cat is an asshole
Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this knowledge? Sit in front of it in order to torment the neighborhood dogs. Do you know how awkward it is to say to your neighbor “oh, sorry your dogs are barking, my cat is testing out optimal methods of torture?” My pet dog, her brother, was no exception. Even when …
2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball
Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.
GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena to relish in the brutal spectacle of the greatest sport known to tigerkind. The game’s progenitor, Calvin, actually played an orthodox 1v1 format of Calvinball, but the game has changed much since its inception in 1985. Botswana walked first onto the field with their squadron of 56 players. Due to …
CMU to host the Olympic Games
JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) – CMU was officially selected to host the upcoming Olympic Games. According to recent investigative reporting, the International Olympic Committee had approached Carnegie Mellon as the spearhead of a new program to engage major world universities in athletics.
As put by myriad CMU students we met on the Cut …