By Gavin Radford • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.

“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension from the university.

8:15 AM. I brush my teeth in the dorm bathroom. There’s no mirror; instead, a gigantic photograph of Kenneth C. Griffin watches me, grinning. I search for a message in his eyes. You’ve got some toothpaste on your lip, they say.

9 AM. Classes start. …

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

A specter is haunting CMU. You can see it in the hazy air, smell it on the crusty Entropy sign, feel it on the shadeless Mall. It’s a modern­-day tragedy. The poor are killing our endowment.

Andrew Carnegie laid down the endowment’s first million dollars himself. From the very start, it has been an institution by the financially able, for the financially able. For decades, we remained faithful to this sacred commandment. It was only recently that CMU stooped into the lowest of the low: admitting students who want the education of a private university, but can’t actually afford …

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Netflix realized years ago the key to customer retention is to make sure nothing ever ends. Once an episode stops, the next starts before you can decide if you even liked the previous one. The rest of America can learn from this: if endless content keeps millions of people from confronting the emptiness of their evenings, endless wars can keep soldiers from confronting anything besides enemy and civilian forces.

During war, everything—except enemy structures—is brilliantly structured. There are objectives, acronyms, Powerpoints, buff men yelling at you… Even the hardest man cannot ask questions there! War is traumatic, sure, but …

By Camilia Creutzfeldt • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With fall break on the horizon, it's safe to say that we've fully settled into the semester. Yet, I still get people bringing up my summer internship at Anduril. That was two whole months ago! Most often, the people who bring it up are just classmates who want to find out more about what a chill time a chill guy like me had at a chill engineering firm. Once in a while, though, someone seems to take issue with me having interned at Anduril, talking about how it's "unethical" and that I "kill" people or whatever. So, let's set the …

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Institutional vandalism, criminal trespass, receiving stolen property: 3/10

Report dubious at best. They claim that a non­-affiliate broke into the Mellon Institute and caused damage to property owned by Carnegie Mellon. First of all, there’s no person in the world named Carnegie Mellon, and if there is, we need to dox and shame their parents. Second, how on Earth does somebody break in and get caught? Everybody knows the best way to sneak into the lifeless husk known as the Mellon Institute is via the secret elevator inside Pillar #7. It’s baffling to think anyone would take the entrance …

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

1. Animal that meows

Down

1. Automobile

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Across

1. OREO

2. UTA

3. AIOLI

4. ILIAD

5. TRUE

6. ZIGZAG

7. ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIA­NISM

8. IONE

9. TERI

10. POLO

11. IDENTIFICATION

12. TELL ME WHY

13. SINGLE SPACED

14. OREO

15. ABRACADABRA

30 1⁄2. FORTYTWO

1. OREO

2. TANTALIZING

3. PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCO­PICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS

4. GANGRENOUS

5. PEN

6. OREO

Down

1. …

By 2 anonymous writers • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

Point

Bartholomew Thistlewick

Minimalism has its place in artistic movements, there is no doubt that some of the most influential art works of modern times were inspired by minimalism; one need not look further than the works of Yves Klein to see this. But minimalism is not content being kept in the confinement of an art gallery. It has broken free and run rampant across architecture, flags, really every form of symbol.. Compare The Empire State Building to the AMA Plaza: where’s the personality? The inspiration? In his pursuit of rationality, van der Rohe removed the “art” from …

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

I saw Nasreddin walking from Doherty to Hammerschlag by way of Flagstaff Hill. “Nasreddin,” I said, “That route’s way too long. You should just go through Wean.” “Exactly, everyone will be taking the shortcut.”

One day, Nasreddin saw a sign on the Cut: KEEP OFF GRASS. He picked it up and placed it on the sidewalk. Satisfied that all was right with the world, he continued with his day.

Nasreddin submitted an assignment to his professor. “This is blank?” “I didn’t know any of the answers.” “You should at least try.” “And risk introducing errors?”

By Daniel Yin • Vol 6, Issue 4 • Oct. 7, 2026

With CMU in the top 15 of the US News National Universities Rankings, students are looking for ways to leverage their school’s newfound reputation to prepare for the post-college lives. “Before, I was worried I’d have to live out my final days in the eighth best nursing home in my city, but now I’m sure the fourth or even third might let me in,” said Edith Soon, a junior with an undeclared major in Dietrich.

The Career and Professional Development Center (CPDC) has taken note of the excitement and is working to address student needs. CPDC Director Sean McGowan …

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Fridged: I need your help. I was exploring the world with my mouth (don’t judge me, sensorimotor things) when I happened upon the coolest­-looking magnet in the known universe. It was perfectly gullet­-sized, so I had no choice but to pop it in there. One thing led to another and I swallowed it. Maybe it’s the hypochondriac in me, but I feel like that can’t be good. What should I do?

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on Booth together in their Senior year, and they’ve been together ever since. “After having spent 4 years at Carnegie Mellon, we didn’t really have any more money,” Tricia said. “Since we loved our time working on Booth so much, we thought that instead of buying a home for our baby, …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

After the nail­-biting game against Central Catholic High School, as reported on by the Tartan, our Boys in Red decided to set their sights even higher. It’s safe to say that those disgraceful chumps at Sacred Heart Catholic Elementary School were wholly unprepared for such a display of raw athletic prowess! And let me tell you, the game was nothing short of a massacre. I never knew a first grader could fly so high! Once our beloved athletes got a taste of blood, their offense never stopped. Although the first down of the game left me in a fugue …