Handy Manny
Staffwriter
Bio
builder of articles, destroyer of homes
Latest
AI not human enough for me to abuse it
Dear Sam Altman,
As a small business owner, I'm looking for ways to optimize my repair shop to maximize profits. Sure, Felipe, Turner, and Pat slaving away for minimum wage is nice, but these woke liberals want minimum wage to be “livable”. How am I supposed to live if I’m not abusing my workers? It’s my god-given right as a small business owner, and as a fellow god-fearing capitalist, I am sure you agree.
Due to these commies infiltrating our great nation, I have shifted into incorporating AI wherever possible. Even the product quality doesn't matter as long …
The Tri-Wheelers of Pittsburgh
August 16th, 2026
I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. As I turned to the shadow, it disappeared. Instead, I heard a faint laugh. It seemed like only one voice, but I realized with increasing dread that there were, in fact, three voices.
They found me.
I sprang to my feet as quickly as possible, and was met …
New job opportunities for recent graduates.
Dear Recent Graduates,
Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether you escaped Pittsburgh or are still creeping around this city like a stalker at parties, you are now officially old and withering away. The sweet embrace of Wean Hall during Carnival season is your highlight of the year, and it’s time to accept that.
You aren’t getting any younger, …
Anti Anti Aging Cream
Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!
Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's a super simple product you put on your face twice, once a day. This product penetrates deep into your pores, making you look so old that people may think you're a walking zombie! Despite the FDA’s claims, this probably isn’t battery acid, and our product is known for working …