Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math
Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal math during Structure of Materials. Mr. Amstutz, who lives in Fairfax 274 and leaves his door unlocked between 4 and 10 PM, wishes to remain anonymous, and so henceforth will be referred to as “Greg.”
Though Greg contacted us by mistake, after a little interrogation he confessed his fears …
A College Student's Guide to saving money
As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the unfortunate position of being “broke”. Because of this, I have compiled my top money saving tips.
I hope that this can help some unfortunate people, especially my roommate who I caught re-wearing outfits.
Phones are rechargeable
I used to buy a new cellular phone every time mine …
Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery
With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.
Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various negative emotions such as stress, sadness, pain, jealousy, and others I don’t really care to list. Examining the misery report from last finals season, CMU generated a large portion of its misery output from stress, which has one of the highest known misery conversion ratios. Stress achieves this by decaying …
An Open Letter to CaPS
It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting time of year comes an increased number of calls to CaPS, the university’s counseling and psychological services. Now, I know that finals can be an annoying time for CaPS with all these kids calling, whining about their “mental struggles.” I understand, it gets tiring. Since when did CaPS become the …
My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over
I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English class. Like, this discrimination is going to kill my QPA.
From the very beginning, I could just tell that this professor and I were going to have problems. First, we’re sitting in lecture on the first day of class. The professor is droning on and on about the syllabus. …
Christmas tips for children of divorce
Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps to maximize your holiday experience:
Wait for your parents to start dating again. This process may take some years, but make sure to encourage them every step of the way. Say things like “Of course I don’t have a problem with you dating a woman twenty years younger than …
4 Hacks to get an extension
It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. Great. On top of this, you’re starting to feel a disturbing sense that all your final projects are due in the same week. Nauseatingly, you’re also starting to realize that all your final exams are during the week after. Crazy how that happens. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, especially …
CMU Finals rife with cheating
A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through the head of the person in the next row and view their exam paper. Knowing such a pursuit would be laughably fruitless, the proctor at first paid this strange behavior no mind. However, as the cheater continued to glance back down at their exam paper and back up at the …
Homework Trouble
Dear Professor Choset,
I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and talked and did everything a robot should. I was jumping for joy, excited to show you and the other students of 16311 my technological marvel. But what happened, Professor Choset, was that another mechanical creature ran up to my project and tore it asunder! I looked at the little fiend’s …
Interview with a recent grad
Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.
Could you state your name for the record?
Oh, I didn’t think that far ahead. Uh, give me a second…
Did…did you forget your own name?
Shut up. Just call me Engineer or something. Why do you wanna know anyways? What ever happened to privacy? People these days I …
Am I the bazonkle?
Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its ion mud wash over your antenna follicles. A timeless classic, really, yet for some reason it has been falling out of fashion with other species. Maybe it's because of the pheromones it releases? Who knows.
So here I am, riding the Zoop, and all of a sudden I notice …
Derealizating
Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, derealization. No one ever bothered to decide on one term. This is because people who derealizate have bigger nothings not to worry about.
Derealizating is portable. You can take it anywhere. As long as there’s a spot in the distance to stare at, you can peel yourself from this …
Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time
In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:
“There’s a real baddie that sits next to me in the lecture I got then, y’know? You woulda too. Don’t pull that shit where everyone pretends they wouldn’a done the same thing. I know you woulda.”
He also explained that “it’s a four hundred and eighty-five year old tradition and nobody knows why …
Hungry?
Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.
Doherty Hall:
Doherty is a year-round favorite for students, and it’s not hard to see why. Being one of the older buildings on campus, the brick has aged in such a way that gives it its signature sweet and sour taste. Coupled with its rough and gritty texture, this brings the overall flavor profile close to …
My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot
Dear Reader,
I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.
I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, I forgot all about my heartbreak with Nicky. My heart was caught between the blades of this darling automaton, and I was incredibly, inexplicably in love.
Robomower, you have bewitched me in body and soul. Never has there been a more perfect match. They kill the grass so I …
Warning
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