Citron

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2026

“I didn’t really want to go to MIT anyways. I just feel like their campus culture wouldn’t have suited me,” explains 17 year old Basset Hound Elvis Johnson. “But CMU’s got these Tartan traditions, and, you know, that kind of thing. I think it was my number one choice, actually.”

The most remarkable thing about Elvis is, without a doubt, his college admission results. Despite scoring a measly 1100 after 2 retakes on the SAT, he was admitted to top Drama and Design university CMU for a degree in Statistics and Machine Learning.

“I was in shock,” said …

By Citron • Vol 6, Issue 0 • Aug. 15, 2026

Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.

“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that call this institution home,” says Rajesh. “I mean, decades. You can literally taste it in some of these classrooms. It’s frightening. But that’s not the point.”

“It’s fundamentally an artistic endeavor,” ejaculates head director Owen Dickens. “That’s what everybody else gets wrong.”

Owen believes that pornography is about …

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing us to outsource this issue’s printing to one of our parents. To put it simply, we are pitiful, abject, and loathsome. Please give us money. Even a penny would go a long way; we need copper to fix the wires for the 5W generator that powers everything we own, so …

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s President, “I know you have all come here today to hear about CMU’s past, present, and future. I know you are here to hear about our finances, our policies, and our officials. But sometimes, there are things more important than the lifeblood of a diminutive private school with a laughably …

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, little is known regarding “sex” or its properties. The state of affairs being so, I have put forth my best efforts in order to discover more about the elusive “sex” and make public this information for the betterment of mankind.

To understand the first step of my research, some …

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread by liberals right now, of bitching and whining about climate change and all of its terrible implications. One cannot help but wonder what it is about global warming that petrifies liberals so. Does its promise of warmth remind them of the warmth with which their mother once caressed them, and …