CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic
In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular lounging areas, the Cut and the Mall, with a layer of silt.
The administration often uses days with nice weather for promotional photos of campus, which could be adversely affected by the presence of students. University Communications and Marketing research has shown that the presence of students lying down in the grass is harmful to CMU's rigorous reputation. The yellow-brown dust caked in the grass will proudly be featured in UCM materials.
Another harm brought about by resting and relaxing is to students' mental health. Fewer students reported going to CaPS, which made appointments more available. This may lead students to believe the help they receive is less selective and thus worse in quality, impacting therapy outcomes. The university hopes the layer of sediment will raise wait times to a target 8 weeks for a first appointment.
We reached out to Scotty’s spokesperson about the new lawn treatment. He reported: “It’s no substitute for delicious manure, but the mud-like texture of the silt mixing with the sprinkler water makes for a fun afternoon for Scotty.”
Overall, the benefits of making the grass look and feel like it's covered in cow dung is estimated to improve student sentiment to an "acceptable" level and save about 20% as much as it cost.