Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics
In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.
“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on the usage of performance-enhancing drugs.” Coventry stated during the press conference, “In recent years, this battle has become prohibitively challenging. After careful consideration, the committee has decided to pivot its approach entirely. We believe this is the right move to reward researchers who have been quietly making athletes faster, stronger, …
Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to expect some hiccups, such as 37 snow plows breaking down within a few hours of the downpour. Things happen! A city must, however, maintain a certain standard of living for its citizens. As many are already painfully aware, Pittsburgh has fallen painfully short of this duty: there are not enough …
Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman
No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS could keep the HVAC operating.
Dr. Montague had set up camp for the duration of finals week, intending to study the effects of prolonged wakefulness on undergraduate students “in the wild,” a phrase he used with a straight face, as if anything at Carnegie Mellon could plausibly be described …
We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human
Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.
In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that I'm not a machine. Here goes nothing!
While some readers may appreciate the consistent quality and yield of machine-generated content, others prefer the unique voice that only a human writer can provide. In this article, I'll be delving into why I embody the traits of a human. This article …
Modern technology comes for us all
Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of his plush green directors’ chair, armed with a Staples laser pointer rather than a quiverful of arrows—though both are guaranteed to set people of all genders quivering. Today, he does his work behind voice calls and LED screens. Where did it go wrong?
Enter Ben and Susie; now a …
Stop asking where I'm from
So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"
I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. A tidbit of basic info.
Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. Now I have to stammer out a self-deprecating joke about 'being not like the other Bay Area students'.
Just because I'm a math major, just because I have a secret desire to transfer to SCS and make an …
5-Hour Transgender
From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy 8 AMs where you wish there was a little something stiff in your pants to wish you a good morning. With 5-Hour Transgender, your birth certificate is no barrier to presenting as any gender you choose for a short amount of time, without the cost and complications of traditional transness.
…Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation
Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an air cannon. Formations dressed in solid tartan plaid rush the stage as a second attack group shatters the windows above to your right. Shots are fired, Honk dies in a cloud of stuffing. Iliano is rushed away, leaving a first-time TA in charge of the lecture, which continues on at …
Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries
Day 1:
Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more options in case some delivery got botched.
However, it was a really great time! Most of my orders came from University of Pittsburgh students, who were all really sweet. Everybody around that university just radiated positivity and kindness, and were super understanding whenever I faced traffic. One girl even …
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie
Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With the foundation of Carnegie Institute of Technology in 1900, overworking spread from the steel mills to the classroom. Carnegie’s famous quote, “my heart is in the work,” has been taken quite literally, with Celsius-sponsored heart attacks now driving school production 126 years later.
Carnegie also had indirect influence – …
Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking
Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving parents, no prospect, no future, and he has been listening to AI Batman to help him overcome his chronic procrastination.
“So… now what?” asked Bob.
Well, you might jump to the obvious answer – Bob should start Binge Drinking. He gotta keep drinking until his problems seem to …
Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"
Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the power to share information into the hands of everyday citizens, the bottleneck of a select few journalists to uncover and distribute truth is no longer a profitable point at which to rent-seek.
So what comes next? The board of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has some ideas. On Tuesday, they'll be …
A Novel Approach to Union Busting
Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hardworking American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. Recent events regarding a certain Pittsburgh newspaper owned by a certain set of twin brothers from Ohio have only served to emphasize this.
The U.S Supreme Court, in an affront to the enterprising American spirit, had ruled in favor of ungrateful striking journalists, forcing the owners to negotiate with …
Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market
Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. Treat them with the reverence they deserve, and you shall be rewarded. When they make you buckets of money, I want half.
AI Doors
Doors are everywhere in modern life. So I find it a deplorable reflection of the sorry state of the “free market” that up till …
Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man
Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble when I happened to go past a ratha interesting section.” Judd had always admired Blanc’s southern drawl, reminding of his boyhood obsession with cowboys and the south and ten-gallon hats. He loved ten gallon hats, he even knew that they derived from the spanish phrase Tan Galan. “Oh yeah? What …