The Tri-Wheelers of Pittsburgh
August 16th, 2026
I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. As I turned to the shadow, it disappeared. Instead, I heard a faint laugh. It seemed like only one voice, but I realized with increasing dread that there were, in fact, three voices.
They found me.
I sprang to my feet as quickly as possible, and was met …
AI not human enough for me to abuse it
Dear Sam Altman,
As a small business owner, I'm looking for ways to optimize my repair shop to maximize profits. Sure, Felipe, Turner, and Pat slaving away for minimum wage is nice, but these woke liberals want minimum wage to be “livable”. How am I supposed to live if I’m not abusing my workers? It’s my god-given right as a small business owner, and as a fellow god-fearing capitalist, I am sure you agree.
Due to these commies infiltrating our great nation, I have shifted into incorporating AI wherever possible. Even the product quality doesn't matter as long …
Carnegie Mellon rabbits claim squatters rights
Rabbits have officially claimed squatters’ rights on the CMU Mall and CFA Lawn following years of occupation. The invasive creatures were first introduced fifty years ago when a freshman living in Mudge brought their hobby rabbit farm to campus. The university initially tried to contain them, but efforts ceased after a particularly short member of Furries@CMU was mistakenly shot.
Meanwhile, the rabbits continue to stake their claim on the land. They said (through a monkey that knows sign language), “PA Code § 5530 is clear that the rabbits have the right to live on CMU campus for eternity." CMU …
Morewood Gardens Daycare Bi-annual Hazing Report
Cyert Center for Early Education
Biannual Hazing Report
1060 Morewood Avenue,
Morewood Gardens building
Reporting Period: 05/08/2026 to 09/07/2026
Date of Publication: 09/23/2026
Report 1 of 2
SUBJECT: Boys Pod A
REPORTED: 11/1/2024
DATE CHARGED: 05/10/2026
DATE RESOLVED: 05/23/2026
Description: CMU Ethics Reporting hotline received an anonymous tip after Halloween 2024 with allegations of hazing on a newly integrated member of the daycare. The tip alleged that members attempted to restrain the prospective boy to a tree using Silly String as part of an ongoing day project of decorating for Halloween. The leader of Boys Pod A …
CMU rankings rise after James takes leave of absence
The CMU community has a lot to celebrate this week, after US News and World Report moved Carnegie Mellon up seven spots on their college rankings from #21 to #14. School administrators are throwing parties, tour guides are updating their scripts, and Tartans everywhere are spitting on the graves of whatever school rejected them. Fuck you, Vanderbilt! You’ll never be #14. You didn’t deserve me and you can’t hurt me anymore! At least, that’s the kind of thing that lots of, um... other people are saying...
In light of this recent acclaim, many people are wondering how CMU improved …
Religious Proclamation of Gun-Fearing Disciples
On the 250th anniversary of this nation, and the 2026th anniversary of the Christians’ God, my so-called unalienable right to freedom of religion has been, regrettably, alienated.
CMU has deemed my ceremonial bazooka “inappropriate for a safe campus environment”, despite it meeting the ATF’s 51” limit. Carrying this sacrosanct item is a foundational part of my religion’s canon, and mine was passed down from my grandfather who used it to baptize the atheist, Lenin-fearing Soviets in 1939.
I acknowledge the Student Affairs’ efforts for a harmonious community here at CMU considering the diverse range of faiths. I simply …
WALK FASTER
If you have long legs like me, you’ll know there’s an epidemic of slow walkers on this campus. Consider the statue Walking to the Sky. The people in this statue are quite frankly doing it wrong in every way. Where could they possibly be going? Why haven’t any of them moved at all since 2004? Why are you looking at the statue when you could be walking? Distractions like these are how CMU sets you all up for failure. However, don’t fear, because I’m creating this guide to teach people how to walk properly.
Remember that if you aren’t …
Readme has hired world's funniest baby
Here at ReadMe, we’re hip with the youth. That’s why we make sure to give equal opportunity to comedians of all ages. And well, earlier this week, we found some truly outstanding talent: the funniest baby ever.
Herbert, 0 years old, was born with an innate knack for comedy writing. It all started when he was dropped onto a typewriter—nearly everyone who witnessed it agreed that it was funny. Not wanting to miss out on this golden opportunity, we, of course, hired him on the spot. Since then, he’s been writing 24/7, only taking very short breaks to cry …
Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey
Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, Polish Hill was indistinguishable from Minsk. His neighbors always listened respectfully, though they all knew Vizinyos had lived in Squirrel Hill for seventy-four years and regarded crossing the Monongahela as the sort of expedition for which a prudent man packs sandwiches.
A student, recently arrived to the neighborhood, had …
Call Me in Case of Campus Emergencies
Imagine this: you’ve been shot and you’re bleeding out on the ground. You call the campus police to come save you, but they send out a guy with another gun! Do you feel safe in this situation? Do you trust this random stranger not to also shoot you? Of course not! But I have a better idea: just call me instead.
Is there a criminal on the loose? I’m literally 6 foot 3. That criminal is getting hit with the good ol’ Cade Combo. All my homies can attest to my power.
Are you having a medical emergency? …
Cigarette Networking
Another year, another summer of being a bum. Despite my best efforts, I did not land an internship. "Are you legally authorized to work in the United States", my eyes glimmer with hope. "Yes", I mutter under my breath. "Do you now or in the future require visa sponsorship", the hopeful glimmer wells into sorrowful tears, "Yes", I click on the checkbox. The odds that I manage to find a job and won't be deported after
graduating are looking grim. So, dear reader, what did I do? Did I fuck off to a trip to Italy with my bourgeois …
Horseshoe Theory Finally Useful
Shockingly, the first and only legitimate use of horseshoe theory is actually related to horses. While a horse of medium health may provide companionship and funny videos for Instagram Reels, it's been determined that the optimal horse health for very profitable horse activities is either very low or very high. Therefore, to maximize your horsebased income, you should either pamper your horses with the freshest ryegrass or let them loose in your neighbor's lawn as is appropriate to your horse business sector.
Pittsburgh's Newest Invasive Species
You’ve seen them around. They didn’t exist here a few years ago, but now they’re all over the place. If you don’t know what they are, you might think they look kinda cool. Really, they’re destroying our environment.
Pittsburgh’s newest invasive species has no natural predators. It destroys its competition, becoming all you see. It behaves unpredictably, darting around or stopping at the slightest disturbance. It sees in all directions. It tries to avoid people yet feeds on the systems we rely on. It flies around the city, destroying natural resources as it goes. It is not beholden to …
Some Pointers for CMU SCS
0xE215629B68445E00
0x9E9E5875E147CF3C
0xD730C87F17A67175
0x43AB4FF862A36789
0x3716546A15DFC798
Segmentation fault (core dumped)