By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

By Anonymous • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Fridged: I need your help. I was exploring the world with my mouth (don’t judge me, sensorimotor things) when I happened upon the coolest­-looking magnet in the known universe. It was perfectly gullet­-sized, so I had no choice but to pop it in there. One thing led to another and I swallowed it. Maybe it’s the hypochondriac in me, but I feel like that can’t be good. What should I do?

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

This is the heartwarming story of how two students met through working on Booth together—and they even made a booth-themed house for their baby.

Baby John Wilkes, born on May 30, was the first child of Tartan alumni Tricia and Bill Ding. This couple first met when working on Booth together in their Senior year, and they’ve been together ever since. “After having spent 4 years at Carnegie Mellon, we didn’t really have any more money,” Tricia said. “Since we loved our time working on Booth so much, we thought that instead of buying a home for our baby, …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

After the nail­-biting game against Central Catholic High School, as reported on by the Tartan, our Boys in Red decided to set their sights even higher. It’s safe to say that those disgraceful chumps at Sacred Heart Catholic Elementary School were wholly unprepared for such a display of raw athletic prowess! And let me tell you, the game was nothing short of a massacre. I never knew a first grader could fly so high! Once our beloved athletes got a taste of blood, their offense never stopped. Although the first down of the game left me in a fugue …

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

August 16th, 2026

I woke up in a cold sweat as the sirens blared across the street; that was the fourth house burnt to a crisp this week. There's no way it wasn’t them. As I went to sleep, I noticed a faint shadow just out of my sight. As I turned to the shadow, it disappeared. Instead, I heard a faint laugh. It seemed like only one voice, but I realized with increasing dread that there were, in fact, three voices.

They found me.

I sprang to my feet as quickly as possible, and was met …

By Handy Manny • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Dear Sam Altman,

As a small business owner, I'm looking for ways to optimize my repair shop to maximize profits. Sure, Felipe, Turner, and Pat slaving away for minimum wage is nice, but these woke liberals want minimum wage to be “livable”. How am I supposed to live if I’m not abusing my workers? It’s my god-given right as a small business owner, and as a fellow god-fearing capitalist, I am sure you agree.

Due to these commies infiltrating our great nation, I have shifted into incorporating AI wherever possible. Even the product quality doesn't matter as long …

By Alex Soda • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Rabbits have officially claimed squatters’ rights on the CMU Mall and CFA Lawn following years of occupation. The invasive creatures were first introduced fifty years ago when a freshman living in Mudge brought their hobby rabbit farm to campus. The university initially tried to contain them, but efforts ceased after a particularly short member of Furries@CMU was mistakenly shot.

Meanwhile, the rabbits continue to stake their claim on the land. They said (through a monkey that knows sign language), “PA Code § 5530 is clear that the rabbits have the right to live on CMU campus for eternity." CMU …

By Baili Jiang • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Cyert Center for Early Education
Biannual Hazing Report
1060 Morewood Avenue,
Morewood Gardens building
Reporting Period: 05/08/2026 to 09/07/2026
Date of Publication: 09/23/2026

Report 1 of 2

SUBJECT: Boys Pod A
REPORTED: 11/1/2024
DATE CHARGED: 05/10/2026
DATE RESOLVED: 05/23/2026

Description: CMU Ethics Reporting hotline received an anonymous tip after Halloween 2024 with allegations of hazing on a newly integrated member of the daycare. The tip alleged that members attempted to restrain the prospective boy to a tree using Silly String as part of an ongoing day project of decorating for Halloween. The leader of Boys Pod A …

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

The CMU community has a lot to celebrate this week, after US News and World Report moved Carnegie Mellon up seven spots on their college rankings from #21 to #14. School administrators are throwing parties, tour guides are updating their scripts, and Tartans everywhere are spitting on the graves of whatever school rejected them. Fuck you, Vanderbilt! You’ll never be #14. You didn’t deserve me and you can’t hurt me anymore! At least, that’s the kind of thing that lots of, um... other people are saying...

In light of this recent acclaim, many people are wondering how CMU improved …

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

On the 250th anniversary of this nation, and the 2026th anniversary of the Christians’ God, my so-­called unalienable right to freedom of religion has been, regrettably, alienated.

CMU has deemed my ceremonial bazooka “inappropriate for a safe campus environment”, despite it meeting the ATF’s 51” limit. Carrying this sacrosanct item is a foundational part of my religion’s canon, and mine was passed down from my grandfather who used it to baptize the atheist, Lenin­-fearing Soviets in 1939.

I acknowledge the Student Affairs’ efforts for a harmonious community here at CMU considering the diverse range of faiths. I simply …

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

If you have long legs like me, you’ll know there’s an epidemic of slow walkers on this campus. Consider the statue Walking to the Sky. The people in this statue are quite frankly doing it wrong in every way. Where could they possibly be going? Why haven’t any of them moved at all since 2004? Why are you looking at the statue when you could be walking? Distractions like these are how CMU sets you all up for failure. However, don’t fear, because I’m creating this guide to teach people how to walk properly.

Remember that if you aren’t …

By Cade Suko • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

Here at ReadMe, we’re hip with the youth. That’s why we make sure to give equal opportunity to comedians of all ages. And well, earlier this week, we found some truly outstanding talent: the funniest baby ever.

Herbert, 0 years old, was born with an innate knack for comedy writing. It all started when he was dropped onto a typewriter—nearly everyone who witnessed it agreed that it was funny. Not wanting to miss out on this golden opportunity, we, of course, hired him on the spot. Since then, he’s been writing 24/7, only taking very short breaks to cry …