WALK FASTER
If you have long legs like me, you’ll know there’s an epidemic of slow walkers on this campus. Consider the statue Walking to the Sky. The people in this statue are quite frankly doing it wrong in every way. Where could they possibly be going? Why haven’t any of them moved at all since 2004? Why are you looking at the statue when you could be walking? Distractions like these are how CMU sets you all up for failure. However, don’t fear, because I’m creating this guide to teach people how to walk properly.
Remember that if you aren’t first to class, you’re losing at life. You’ll miss all the front row seats, your professor won’t know your name, and you won’t ever be able to get a job. Think about Taylor Swift. Would she be a millionaire if her name were Taylor Slow? Obviously not. You have to keep your future in mind so that you can stay motivated to walk fast. If you can’t get from Tepper to HOA in 3 minutes, you aren’t getting into any HOAs with how homeless you’ll be. In terms of general walking technique, here are some tips:
1) Go in a straight line to your destination. You were taught the Pythagorean Theorem for a reason. Sidewalks are training wheels for chumps who are scared of walking on manure.
2) You don’t actually need to memorize all the connections and tunnels between buildings. If you walk at a wall forcefully enough, you make your own tunnels.
3) If you see someone on the same path as you, assert dominance. In the game of chicken, you need to make your opponents move around you, not vice versa. Try wearing a chest mounted bayonet to ensure you’re the only survivor in the event of a head-on collision.
4) Don’t use elevators. Think: if you wouldn’t use them in the event of a fire, you shouldn’t be using them at all. Roll down the ramps. Tumble down the stairs. You want to go down to floor 3 of Gates? We have a strategy for that, it’s called “jumping off Pausch Bridge.”
Hopefully, now that you’ve read this, you can finally stop being in my way all the time.