CMU rankings rise after James takes leave of absence
The CMU community has a lot to celebrate this week, after US News and World Report moved Carnegie Mellon up seven spots on their college rankings from #21 to #14. School administrators are throwing parties, tour guides are updating their scripts, and Tartans everywhere are spitting on the graves of whatever school rejected them. Fuck you, Vanderbilt! You’ll never be #14. You didn’t deserve me and you can’t hurt me anymore! At least, that’s the kind of thing that lots of, um... other people are saying...
In light of this recent acclaim, many people are wondering how CMU improved so drastically in the past year. Was it the construction of another obnoxiously large glass building? Was it the R1 research status and highly qualified professors? Or was it Yella’s, the cutting-edge concept that exists at the intersection of burger art and sandwich technology? Well, it’s actually none of those things. Our precise algorithmic modeling has found that the true driving force behind CMU’s success this year was the departure of one singular student, James.
Over the summer, 21-year-old James decided to take a leave of absence from school. When the year first began, no one noticed he was gone, as the absence or presence of James registers in the mind about as much as a slight breeze. In fact, no one realized until we interviewed students for this article. I’ve recorded their statements below.
Violet R. Blu: Apparently the ranking went up because James is gone. Did you hear that?
Serena Connell, junior: Who?
Violet R. Blu: James. You had three classes with them last semester.
Serena Connell, junior: Ohhh, that James. That makes sense. Watching James walk through the Cut in the rain with an open backpack was really depressing.
Debbie Wong, sophomore: You don’t really think about James that much, but his presence weighs on you. Like, subconsciously. I’m glad he’s gone.
It's clear that James had been hindering the entire CMU community. University administrators agreed. They told me that they’re rushing to capitalize off of the higher ranking before James returns next semester. I promised to make it so they wouldn't have to worry.
James, if you’re out there, just know that it’s not personal. It’s for the good of us all! Well, “us” except you. You’re not going to enjoy this. But hey, maybe by next year, when the blood stains have finally washed out of my clothes, we’ll be, like, #12 or something. Wouldn’t that be great? Almost top 10. And you, James? You’ll finally have found your purpose.