Alex Soda
he/him
Staffwriter
Physics, 2030
Bio
They said that soda was doomed, that I could never hope to challenge the frozen concentrated orange juice (FCOJ) lobby. Yet my continued existence here today serves as more than fact that soda will one day rule the drink market with an iron fist. There is no use resisting. My rise is inevitable.
Location
Right behind you
Latest
Carnegie Mellon rabbits claim squatters rights
Rabbits have officially claimed squatters’ rights on the CMU Mall and CFA Lawn following years of occupation. The invasive creatures were first introduced fifty years ago when a freshman living in Mudge brought their hobby rabbit farm to campus. The university initially tried to contain them, but efforts ceased after a particularly short member of Furries@CMU was mistakenly shot.
Meanwhile, the rabbits continue to stake their claim on the land. They said (through a monkey that knows sign language), “PA Code § 5530 is clear that the rabbits have the right to live on CMU campus for eternity." CMU …
A Short History of CMU
CMU came into being when the eponymous Andrew Carnegie discovered Doherty, Porter, and Baker Halls during an excavation while preparing for the construction of a new US Bureau of Mines building. Modern archaeologists have been unable to conclusively pinpoint their age, though the pale Kittanning bricks certainly predate homo sapiens. Contemporary sources report a cautious Carnegie entering into the bowels of Doherty G- level, to return several hours later with a fanatic look in his eye, an insatiable desire to expand the complex, and, most strangely, a conversion to Catholicism. Nearly no one dared venture as far down thereafter, and …
Readme's Readme
# README
World-renowned satire magazine at Carnegie Mellon University, published every two weeks, unless we’re feeling particularly funny in which case we skip an issue. Originally a way for founder Gerald Readme to evangelize their hardline Pittsburgh separatist beliefs, it has since turned into a way for students to make the least of their print quota.
Per our out-of-court settlement with the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Readme is legally interdicted from printing the truth or any part of the truth. As such, owing to their studies, all philosophy majors are disallowed from contributing to the magazine. Students majoring in …