Religious Proclamation of Gun-Fearing Disciples

By joehill's shoes • Vol 6, Issue 3 • Sept. 23, 2026

On the 250th anniversary of this nation, and the 2026th anniversary of the Christians’ God, my so-­called unalienable right to freedom of religion has been, regrettably, alienated.

CMU has deemed my ceremonial bazooka “inappropriate for a safe campus environment”, despite it meeting the ATF’s 51” limit. Carrying this sacrosanct item is a foundational part of my religion’s canon, and mine was passed down from my grandfather who used it to baptize the atheist, Lenin­-fearing Soviets in 1939.

I acknowledge the Student Affairs’ efforts for a harmonious community here at CMU considering the diverse range of faiths. I simply plead this effort be extended to mine. I solemnly believe, at the end of the day, we are all trying to worship the same high­-power force in our own ways.

If you have ever faced persecution or an incredibly minor inconvenience for your religious convictions, I implore you to speak up. Truly, my bazooka is purely ceremonious and mostly non­functional. Besides, with the CMUPD’s pepper spray and water­-cannons, who is this rule actually “protecting,” anyway?