Tartans DEMOLISH Sacred Heart Elementary in Triumphant Victory
After the nail-biting game against Central Catholic High School, as reported on by the Tartan, our Boys in Red decided to set their sights even higher. It’s safe to say that those disgraceful chumps at Sacred Heart Catholic Elementary School were wholly unprepared for such a display of raw athletic prowess! And let me tell you, the game was nothing short of a massacre. I never knew a first grader could fly so high! Once our beloved athletes got a taste of blood, their offense never stopped. Although the first down of the game left me in a fugue state, and I don’t really remember precisely what happened, a quick skim of the coach’s film brought me straight back to that bloodlust-fueled night. I hope to one day regale this story to my grandchildren as we encircle a Tartan-fueled fire.
Tartans QB Jason Mueller completed a jet-engine 32-yard pass to Tartan EIC Lily Stern who handily laid out Sacred Heart tight end and 4th grade Community Service Award laureate Bailey “The Bronco” Stillman. Stern later commented that Stillman "whined like a total bitch," theorizing this may have swayed referees to Stern's ejection from the game. Stillman is recovering in the newly opened UPMC Children's Heart Institute, where he is expected to make a full recovery from 'career-ending' injury. Stern will return for our next home game versus Johns Hopkins.
Kindergarten teacher Ms. Crenshaw declined to comment on behalf of the inconsolable Robbie Stillman who observed the rest of the game from a classroom window.
Although Sacred Heart's fourth quarter 'windmill' play proved too confusing for our squad, a turnover on the second-to-last down was just enough for our Tartans to turn the tides for a 3835 victory. One spectator, lifelong redblooded Tartan fan Heidi Andrews, impeded my exit to say, "Wow, so much for home-field advantage! The Tartans can take it on the road!" I later saw Heidi being confronted by police near the Sacred Heart community garden. Even though the cops didn’t seem to agree, he was right. CMU played on, even through the muddy tracks and trails of arcing children and baby teeth lodged in the grass.
In other news, we at ReadMe would like to congratulate them on their recent Pulitzer prize! The stellar reporting in this year’s inaugural issue grants truth to the unenlightened and hope to the forlorn. I once was lost, but have now seen the blinding light! Glory to the Tartan! All hail the Seven Holy Editing Passes! I shall dedicate the rest of my life to sharing such gospel. Praise be!