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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

5-Hour Transgender

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy …

readme booth to bring back factory towns

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

[Picture of a dog in a santa hat] "George Michael wishes you a Very Readme Christmas!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

By J. P. Crawfish & Your Mother • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

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Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

By Chatman GuPerT • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

By Coward • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

By "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…

Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

I wrote this article while sober

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

Scotty Dog missed you. So did we, if you even care about that.

// Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • Rest in Peace Buddy • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Linguists invent new slur for couples • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Rabbi hot?! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • Rest in Peace Buddy • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Rabbi hot?! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show.