Vol 1, Issue 4: the issue in which we turn readme into a weapon of mass destruction
Rejected Headlines
- Florida legalizes abortion âif the fetus shows early signs of âa homosexual dispositionââ
- California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices
- CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies  Report
- Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time
- Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats
- Drama students inspired by exÂaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar
- New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video
- CS Students shocked to discover classes have names
- Dennis Prager wonât stop impregnating our countryâs petite gay men causing national twink shortage
- Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 âfrankly too manyâ
- The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper
All this and more, not in this issue!
âIâm goodâ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating
February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded âIâm goodâ without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.
âThey didnât even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they âŚ
...README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0
We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and âŚ
CaPS announces new mental health app
The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled âCarnegie âŚ
...A Solution to the âlast steel factoryâ amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.
It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.
This policy grants âŚ
...README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin
As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since âŚ
...Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School
While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as âthe moon landing was filmed at Area 51â and âTed Cruzâs father was involved in the JFK assassinationâ into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the worldâs premier âŚ
...Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number
As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, âI always loved studying up âŚ
...Duo Push Goes Rogue
An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellonâs campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus âŚ
..."Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say
Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, âŚ
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