Vol 4, Issue 1: the issue in which the student population realizes that it could always be worse (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule."
- Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020.
- Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U.
- Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model.
- Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations.
- Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym.
- CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises.
- "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee.
- Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game.
- Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes.
- CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter.
- Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you.
- Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident.
- The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead.
All this and more, not in this issue!
Buggy: An Introduction
So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:
1) You are short
2) You went …
The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord
Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the shittiest slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.
Tip 1: Your …
Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you
It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.
You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.
Does …
Andrew Carnegie had the right idea
People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.
I considered wearing women's …
Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming
Abstract
Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the …
So you've heard of 122?
So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …
Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion
A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …
Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually
If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …
New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students
Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.
SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …
Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip
The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …
CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze
It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.
We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …
Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)
Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …
CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!
Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …
A Disease for Every Department
CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …
