CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and Chiquita Brands International to further destabilize Guatemala and loosen agriculture restrictions harming US businesses. An anonymous pusher for Spirit has also stated that a new KGB chapter in Guatemala had been a motivating factor.

Named Operation PBBrag, the first buggies made landfall on the beaches of Puerto San José at approximately 3:45 AM. By 10:30, the first squadrons reached Guatemala City. Buggies were equipped with custom-made Chiquita branded turret guns built by Robobuggy. Although Operation PBBrag had intended to be largely peaceful, only using weapons as a display of force, the first gunshots rang out on Tuesday at 2:47 PM. The conflict quickly escalated into all-out war within the city streets. The Guatemalan Armed Forces were initially successful at repelling the CIA, however reinforcements from SDC and Fringe quickly turned the tide. The increased speed and sheer destructive power of the buggies, combined with the suicidal nature of the average Carnegie Mellon student, was ultimately too difficult for Guatemala to fend off.

General Harry Q. Bovik seized power over Guatemala on Friday at 7:28 AM. Over 300,000 were injured and 50,000 killed, with around 40% being civilians caught in the crossfire. A reputable source told READMe that CIA Buggy was looking into ways to employ their new weaponry during the Carnival races. Neither CIA Buggy nor Chiquita Brands International have responded to requests to comment from ReadMe. In completely unrelated news, CIA Buggy has recently received a $5,000,000 sponsorship from Chiquita.

Vote Wean Hall!

By ​"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, we have the star of the beloved Christmas movie "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York." Despite the strong partisan contenders, we have decided to endorse an independent candidate: our very own Wean Hall.

Wean Hall, built in 1971, is a 9-story brutalist structure just off of the Mall. Its running mate is Doherty Hall, built in a beaux-arts style so long ago that CMU doesn't seem any more certain than "the early 1900's." Doherty Hall is known for being old, confusing, and disorienting, which should be familiar to today's voters. The two have been attached at the hip since Wean Hall was built, so it comes as no surprise that they're sharing the ticket this election.

Wean Hall has promised that it has a "concrete plan", which has been criticized as "full of holes." Some of its policies include a strong pro-immigration stance, "as long as they pay tuition." When asked about the Israel-Palestine conflict, Wean Hall had this to say: "I strongly support the Starbucks boycott. I'm a La Prima kind of building." One policy which even we at Readme struggle to back is its support of increased plastic waste in the ocean. "People say I look like a turtle," a hidden microphone captured Wean Hall saying. "I actually fucking hate turtles."

While Wean Hall is a minor independent candidate at the moment, it's rising in the polls, and will face off against a worthy opponent tonight. A lively discussion is in store for us in a debate with William Henry Harrison, who's back on the Whig ticket. Despite its lack of political experience, Wean Hall has many underground connections, including to Scott, Newell, and Simon.

Eric Adams shares life advice.

By Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email are asked to urgently check their spam folder. The decimation of SCS, as a direct order from our Dark Lord Biden, is likely to commence before the next United States president-elect gets sworn into office on January 25. All SCS students are thus currently forbidden from leaving the country.

The upcoming Roman-legion-style decimation of an entire CMU college is a drastic measure following a ban on C, the programming language, and all of its variants, beginning this summer. Given this fact, the future massacre should not come as a surprise to most SCS students as many computer science courses at CMU still stubbornly refuse to adapt their syllabus to use a different programming language. Such flagrant defiance against law and order would not go unpunished by the government of this great nation, and killing one-tenth of all CS students at CMU was deemed an appropriate measure by President Biden, further stating in a recent press release that “[CS students] should be thankful that I am only executing ten-percent of them, I could just as easily personally kill all of them if I wanted to”.

It should be noted that given the proximity of their major to CS, some ECE students might be included in the pool of execution candidates; ECE software majors, your days may be numbered—and not in the countably infinite sense.

Various students from different majors at CMU have expressed solidarity with the CS students, sympathizing with them for their predicament. Several creative writing major students have reached out to us for comment, saying that “it would be very difficult to write without the letter C.” Similarly, an underwater basketweaving major (yes this is a real major at CMU look it up) student commented expressed concerns towards the ban and punishment, “banning the sea? What do you mean? I need the sea, it’s my entire livelihood!”

There have been some immediate consequences from this ordeal. The CS department began drafting plans to replace C with Rust to prevent further unnecessary deaths. Opponents of this proposal argue that Rust is an unsuitable substitute because it “ruins metals” and “advances the trans agenda.”

One unforeseen consequence of this ordeal has been an uptick in petty crimes committed on CMU campus: the rate of littering has skyrocketed in a desperate bid by international students trying to be deported back to the safety of their home countries, narrowly avoiding the ten-percent chance of death.

In the meantime of waiting for their eventual deaths, students enrolled in SCS may be pleased to know that they are temporarily safe from death as although our Lord Joe Biden’s orders are absolute, there have been complications in enacting the punishment. The decision to kill 10% of SCS students may be straightforward, but the execution itself would require the representation of 0.1 in binary. Thus, the decimation will be indefinitely postponed until a computer capable of storing a string of binary digits with infinite length is developed.

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out of crime material on campus.

Election Plinko Causes Confusion

Pittsburgh city officials were in a state of confusion when it was discovered that all electoral ballots were somehow replaced one to one with mini plinko machines. These plinko machines had the point values replaced with political parties. When city officials tested the devices, it was discovered that certain plinko machines were missing pegs. As of right now, there is no sign of the culprit who has scampered off with the ballots.

Voter Fraud Ring Caught Before Elections

A large-scale voter fraud ring for the Holiday Window Display competition has been busted recently by the City of Pittsburgh. It was discovered five hundred people were voting multiple times under multiple names online and in person in the beloved competition. The city vows to crack down on voter fraud this upcoming holiday season to make sure this does not happen again.

Pittsburgh Signs Now Read Pitsburg

In a recent discovery by city officials, 81.3% of signs, flyers and posters mentioning Pittsburgh are now spelled, Pitsburg. Some of these signs were more subtle, replacing the sign with a new one misspelling the city. Other signs simply had the city name crossed out and replaced with Pitsburg in shoddily written handwriting. It was only noticed when government buildings also became misspelled. Several Pittsburgh native confessed they had seen the changes, but didn’t care enough to bring it up. Some citizens have suggested renaming the city to Pitsburg. Officials are currently discussing the matter. Until then, the signs will remain up.

Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

By ​"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state of Carnegie-Mellon Republic (CMR) encompasses approximately 0.6 square kilometers, with a 4.8km border, soon to be secured with concrete walls with many bottle-cap-sized holes. Carnegie-Mellon is yet to establish diplomatic relations with any nations, minus one. Scotland has been receptive, and sent a bouquet of thistles to the CMR embassy in Edinburgh.

Carnegie-Mellon's government is set to be a constitutional republic, with a president and seven ministries. The Dietrich Ministry of Humanities and Social Sciences will be responsible for statecraft and international relations, and is currently working to draft a constitution. The Ministry of Fine Arts is writing a national anthem, which should be on Soundcloud by the end of the week.

The United States has been, as one press release described, "agitated." CIT has been redesignated as the Carnegie Institute of Defense, which is now working tirelessly to secure our borders against a confused and heartbroken US military. CMU Rocket Command has been vital in defending the skies above the Republic, and the Naval ROTC has quickly secured CMU's territorial waters.

No longer do CMU undergraduates aspire to work for the military industrial complex of the past; the Mellon Ministry of Science has established a state-run defense contractor, Lockheed Mellon, to put the Republic's brightest minds to work.

While CMR currently relies on imports for some products, a self-sufficient economy is a not-so-distant dream. Many of the former academic buildings within the state's borders are now being repurposed as indoor farms, and free from the burden of studying, those in the Tepper Ministry of Business are settling into jobs in agriculture, manufacturing, and distribution.

Inside ReadMe Legal

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

One of the most significant duties of our department is to navigate the bureaucratic Red Tape[1] necessary to ensure ReadMe, the flagship newspaper and namesake of ReadMe & Co, maintains its status as a satirical newspaper and the legal protections that come with it. Of course, similar to most legitimate media outlets, ReadMe & Co. achieves this through the creation and deployment of several lobbying firms across the U.S. and its territories as well as the employment of private contractors to engage in persuasive acts with key political figures. Because of our status as a corporate entity, ReadMe & Co also invests hundreds of thousands of dollars into various Super PACs to ensure overwhelming political support in our endeavors. Our CLO, Sir. Maximillian Bartholemow VIII, has even gone so far as to release an official statement underscoring our commitment to ensuring these program have ample funding: “Our bribery [political investment] campaign has done so well that I have made the executive decision to half the salaries of all employees of the ReadMe Record Management Bureau (RRMB) to subsidize it”[2]. This ingenious maneuver had the added benefit of causing over half of the employees of the RRMB to quit, bolstering our bureaucratic relations as we are now able to cite the understaffing of the RRMB as reason to delay and deter[3] investigations from institutions acting on behalf of state, federal, and foreign governments.

Although most of the department’s resources go into bureaucratic relations, most ReadMe Legal staff spend their time protecting ReadMe & Co and its employees from malicious litigation. Every[4] employee at ReadMe & Co is assigned a personal Litigation Manager (LM) from the ReadMe Legal Department. Each LM is responsible for acting on behalf of their assigned employee in all legal matters and are thus entitled to unrestricted access to that employee’s belongings, habitable spaces, and third-party accounts (email, credit card, etc.). Because it is the priority of our department to perpetuate the freedom of all employees, LMs are highly incentivised to exercise extreme competence through a joint-punishment clause in their contracts agreeing to share all civil and criminal sentences with their assigned employee.

This policy is not without fault, however, as the LMs for the staff involved in the biweekly shooting of Benner Rogers[5] find the workplace disproportionately more stressful than other staff. To remedy this, ReadMe & Co. will be adding a pool table to the staff lounge at the end of this quarter. However, in response to several complaints from Rogers’ close friends and family, the ReadMe Legal Department found the Board of Murdering Benner (BoMB)[6] and has already established relations with a contracting firm that specializes in post-mortem rehabilitation. On the urging of our CLO, BoMB will also be allocated resources to assist in the deployment of mechanical devices capable of remotely creating localized sudden and drastic changes in air pressure. This should greatly assist in negotiation efforts with authorities on Benner Rogers related matters henceforth.

It is the hope that in divulging some of the inner workings of ReadMe Legal, we have provided a worthwhile educational experience to the public[7] and alleviated any concerns for the safety and security of ReadMe & Co and its employees. We also hope that this article will act as compliance to any and all current and future subpoenas into the operations of ReadMe Legal. Regardless, we believe that ReadMe Legal is capable of defending ReadMe & Co for the foreseeable future and can ensure that you can continue to rely on ReadMe for your authentic news[8].

———

It should be noted that bureaucratic tape is referred to as red to appeal to the common idiom and not to mislead the public on the processes involved in dealing with bureaucratic institutions. If tape was used in one of these processes, we admit that it would most likely be a faded shade of yellow. Sir. Maximillian Bartholemow VIII denies ever making this statement. The use of ‘delay and deter’ to describe the state of the ReadMe Record Management Bureau and their work with regards to investigations into ReadMe & Co is purely hyperbolic. ReadMe & Co does not intend for the means of record keeping to be used to actively interfere with ongoing investigations, but merely lacks the proper resources to ensure records are kept in an organized manner. This excludes employees in the legal department. ReadMe & Co denies all allegations of involvement of any of its employees in the alleged murder of Benner Rogers. We further deny the existence of any former employee by the name of Benner Rogers and allege that no word (let alone crime) by the name of “murder” exists within the English lexicon. The use of the word “murder” in the title of BoMB is purely satirical and is in no way an admittance of guilt in the alleged murder of Benner Rogers. By reading this, you agree that you have in fact learned something and will testify as such if ReadMe & Co should pursue a tax write off for all resources allocated to the creation of the material you have consumed. This is false.

CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

By ​"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque on the wall of La Prima.

However, upon googling Raymond J Wean, one CMU official made a shocking discovery: Wean lived a double life, as a brutal enforcer for the Bonanno crime family. According to Wean's assigned FBI agent, "Wean was a psychopath. He would have killed you and not batted an eye." Wean once testified in court that he committed "roughly 200 crimes", despite never fully joining the ranks of the infamous crime family.

Wean Hall's namesake may come back to haunt it. Wean Hall is currently gaining in the polls as an independent candidate in the 2024 presidential election, but its progress has faltered since the news broke, despite an increase in campaign spending and the mysterious death of several of its rivals.

Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

By John Doe • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the Pentagon expected the US public to still remember the massacre that took place 56 years ago. Although finding a replacement for this role was of utmost importance, one can not help but wonder if it was worth it to dedicate so much time and a part of the US military’s shoestring $916 billion budget to the running of the elections, or perhaps the US public just needs to suck it up and forget that several hundred civilians, almost all women, children, and the elderly, were killed. I mean, it happened over half a century ago, big fucking deal. Regardless, the Pentagon decided to appease these overly sensitive and unpatriotic Americans.

The Pentagon has had a long history of using scapegoats to have its leaders not take responsibility for war crimes committed overseas. Since the last one was so effective, it’s natural that the Pentagon is pursuing this same strategy: although many members of the military, including senior officers, were found to be connected to the massacre in the original investigations, only one was convicted, and no one seemed to bat an eye.

There were many strong candidates, and it certainly wasn’t easy for members of the Pentagon to vote for who they felt was the best choice. One long-time frontrunner is a 5-year-old orphan from Kentucky. “Kentucky already has the highest rate of maltreated children, so we thought mistreating another, by imprisoning them, would go over well with the public”, said Hen-Rhea Kissingher, Director of War Crime Cover Ups at the US Department of Defense, who requested to be anonymous, “but we decided that the public wouldn’t readily accept the idea that a 5-year-old is responsible for the massacre of at least 347 civilians that took place 56 years ago. Maybe if the death toll were lower—around 200 at most—we’d be able to convince people.” Ultimately, the candidate who will soon be sworn in later this year is Jesús Krist. Jesús is the son of immigrant parents, born to a Slovenian father and Mexican mother, and owns a woodworking shop dedicated to teaching Jewish youths at his mosque in El Paso, Texas. “This scapegoat-elect is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: Jesús is Jewish, he’s a carpenter, and with a name like that? He’s the perfect person to die for our sins.”

One of Kissingher’s assistants later followed up with us in private to assure us that Jesús would only proverbially die for our sins and assured us they would make sure he would only have to serve at most 20 years imprisonment. It should be noted that, just as what happened with the previous scapegoat, Jesús’s sentence is likely to be reduced to 3 years of house arrest.

New voting method for indecisive individuals

By Reid Starzl • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Cryptid Corner: THE HAMPTONS DEVIL

By Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

By Alan Joseph • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were intrigued to discover what appeared to be a small whiteboard containing an answer to a programming assignment.

After closer inspection, the homework problems were determined to be from the 15-122 class, Principles of Imperative Computation. Fearing the horrific consequences of what was to come, CMUPD immediately declared a state of emergency, closing off the entirety of Margaret Morrison Hall and assembling a wall of officers around the building until the CMU Dean of Student Affairs was able to arrive on the scene and call for an emergency session of the Faculty Senate. Following the review of the sacrilegious whiteboard, which was promptly determined to be an egregious Academic Integrity Violation, the CMU Student Affairs Department identified the smudged-out name on the whiteboard to be that of Jeremy P. Laceholder, a former student of CMU’s School of Computer Science.

“It’s just a tragedy,” lamented CMU President Farnam Jahanian, wiping the tears off of his famously luscious locks of golden hair. “Here at CMU, we value the reputation of our degrees, and to find that one of our graduates has left an answer to a merge sort problem right underneath a student dormitory for everyone to see fills me with an incredible amount of shame,” he continued with a grim expression on his face. “The CMU community should rest assured that we will take care of this business in at least O(log n) time.”

Unfortunately for the CMU Academic Violation Board, Laceholder had sadly passed away in 2015 due to an unexplained respiratory illness, and was therefore unable to be held on trial. However, this didn’t stop the Board from choosing to revoke his degree, incinerating the guilty whiteboard, scratching his name out from the school records, and ultimately deciding to ban any remaining imitation of his physical likeness from entering CMU premises. “All’s well that ends well,” Jahanian remarked. “I’m glad that we could settle this matter reasonably and avoid having to take any drastic measures against the academic offender”, he said with a chuckle, before he was hurriedly escorted out of the building while discreetly whispering into his cell phone, “Iliano? Iliano, grab the shovels.”

CMUPD officials were unfortunately unavailable for further comment due to an unexplained spread of respiratory illnesses among the officers.

Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

By I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 that “ Whoever knowingly aims the beam of a laser pointer at an aircraft shall be imprisoned for 5 years, or both“.

As we all sat for years, marinating in our pent up desires to blind a pilot, unhealthy habits emerged - heroin, crack cocaine, etc. Psychologists from Carnegie Mellon University (Actually a single psychologist from CMU, who avid Readme readers will know) managed to convince the city of Pittsburgh to allow a “cheat day”, where any legal repercussions against such noble acts are entirely voided.

This is not just a quick summary of the news, but very important information we want to spread to our dear readers. On October 3rd, 2024, feel free to shine your laser pointers at overhead planes, medical helicopters, and so on and so forth. As an added bonus, Readme will use our funding to award the student who successfully downs the most planes a 76.2 mm anti-aircraft gun Model 1935 (34-K).

CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the most pro-palestine professors will be fired and their positions will not be replaced.

CMU’s contract with chartwells will also be nullified — say goodbye to true burger! We will have False Burger in it’s place — even lower quality food and even less staff.

Libraries will now be closed every other day, because books are for nerds and only developing new LLMs matter to the university.

The only department to actually receive increased funding will be CMU PD of course.

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If one were to simply unpack the “arguments” of former president Abraham Lincoln, one would be disgusted to find an abundance of deceit and trickery littered throughout even the most mundane of speeches. Therefore, I will now proceed to reveal to you a small fragment of his chicanery by meticulously analyzing the famous Gettysburg address:

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation” - Now this address was given on November 19th, 1863 and the Declaration of Independence was signed on August 2nd, 1776. It does not take a mathematician to see that Lincoln was over 3 months off in his conclusions on America’s founding. Despicable.

“dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal” - One can quite easily note that 50% of all men are above average male height while 50% of men are below average height. This is clear evidence that not all men are created equal.

“Now we are engaged in a great civil war” - While Lincoln delivered this speech, his audience was not participating in war as they were busy listening to a speech.

“testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure” - At this period in time, one could not simply test a nation’s ability to endure as the College Board had not yet approved of such a standardized assessment.

“We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live.” - It is quite likely that none of the soldiers who died in Gettysburg did so willingly, seeing as most of them would have wished to survive. This insinuation by Lincoln is extremely insensitive to the deceased and their families.

“The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here” - This is just objectively incorrect. The Ghettiesburg address is one of the most popular presidential addresses and is still remembered to this day.

“It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.” - None of those who had attended the Gettysburg address are currently alive to continue the Civil War.

“that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain” - Over 28 thousand confederate troops died in the battle of Gettysburg, all of which were in vain. “and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.” - Lincoln clearly misrepresents the composition of America’s government as it is not run by the people. It is run by politicians.

It is my hope that this analysis has enlightened you to the deeply sown deceit in our political system. It is my firm belief that in exposing the treachery in our politics, we as Americans can forge a new political atmosphere founded upon truth, justice, and a deep hatred of the Lincoln estate.