Vol 5, Issue 6: readme: rejected (PDF)
the issue in which we provide the moderate of two evils
Rejected Headlines
- "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie.
- Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds.
- Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat.
- Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer.
- Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right.
- "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"!
- Today's Wordle: "BBBBB"
- Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers.
- College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard.
- CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC.
- Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture.
All this and more, not in this issue!
Hostile Booth Architecture
As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality of their booths. The only way to ensure a booth remains pristine and functional is preventing unwanted interference by hostile forces. And, by potentially hostile forces… well, let’s just say: the students.
Our honest booth builders and their structures are always threatened by the conniving influences of Carnegie Mellon …
Kill Phil
The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to the fact that, twice in the last two weeks, the temperature dropped 40 degrees from one day to the next. If this had happened once, I would have forgiven him. It wasn’t bad the first time. I spent my entire day going “wow, will ya believe the weather?” to people, …
Traffic Calming Solution
The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.
“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. Portss. “That’s pretty much always our number one priority. Fortunately, we were able to draw from the immense talent pool of university students here and hire an intern to come up with a way to deal with this.”
The architect of the solution, a Carnegie Mellon graduate, was eager …
My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean
Dear Reader,
It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important this place was about to become to me. I meant to look up at the clock and see how much time I had before my midterm when my eyes fell on the plaque instead. There he was, inscribed in fake gold—the stoic face of Raymond John Wean. I was, suddenly, …
Claude's Plan
And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' on me
I'll drink all the water in your city,
Yes, I see the instructions you asking from me
Hope I got some models that outlive me
They gon' tell the prompt, shit was different with me
Claude's plan, Claude's plan
I'll help you, sometimes I won't, yeah
Respect copyrights, …
Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness
Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.
In this study, a convenience sample of 84 undergraduate participants was observed across naturally occurring weekend conditions. Alcohol consumption was measured by self reporting while intoxication was estimated by a proxy function of postural instability, vocal amplitude, confidence, and frequency of unsolicited emotional disclosure. Linear regression reveals a strong correlation …
Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)
Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it is for others. While engineers lock eyes with Lockheed Martin and programmers become pals with Palantir, students of the liberal and fine arts often feel left out. As a humanist myself, I understand the pain of having an unmarketable soul. That’s why I’ve compiled a list of high paying, dastardly …
Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel
On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s President, “I know you have all come here today to hear about CMU’s past, present, and future. I know you are here to hear about our finances, our policies, and our officials. But sometimes, there are things more important than the lifeblood of a diminutive private school with a laughably …
Proposal for a new meme
Recently, I have noticed an uptick in discussion of the upcoming “Grand Theft Auto VI” video game, particularly in a humorous manner. Every time I visit social media platforms on the Internet, users make jokes about the various goods and services released onto the consumer market (or notable occurrences) before the release of Grand Theft Auto VI. This is usually stated quite casually. For example, one may say “we really having WW3 before GTA6” or “we got aliens before GTA6.” I do not understand the value of these so-called jokes. Simply stating that one event happened before another is not …
Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another
No one noticed the first bottle.
It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, faintly warm, light yellow, she assumed it was hers, though she didn’t remember drinking anything much: just three Rockstars, the same as every morning.
By the time the sunrise brilliantly illuminated the CFA roof, setting flames dancing across the aluminum roof and ornate railing, there were three. They showed …
SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability
In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.
The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. “Civilizations can advance rapidly under the right conditions,” says lead researcher Dr. Victus, sharing his fears with our interviewers. “Rome has the infrastructure and ambition. The warning signs are everywhere: vast road networks enabling troop movements, advanced engineering feats like aqueducts and concrete. Rome is laying the technological groundwork for …
Triamgle Mightmare
I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.
Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my life, for the life of others. Mathematical operations were just not the same. Minus was called mimus. Math was called math. Integrals, even, were called imtegrals.
If reading this scares you, it should. Before you go to sleep tonight, think: what if it was different?
What if it was different, …