Vol 6, Issue 5: Readme does Pornography (PDF)
the issue in which we decide to flaunt the Hays Code
Rejected Headlines
- "Vore, vat is it good for?": New German single does not chart in the U.S.
- Ladies, match your GCal to your nipple color.
- Polydectes disappointed to learn that quantum oracles not actually an improvement.
- We paid $100 to CMU Plastic Surgery Club to get a face lift no strings attached.
- Pregnancy test returns “see me after class.”
- Mathematicians confused that WQED still continuing on
- How to reject your attractive cousin at Thanksgiving.
All this and more, not in this issue!
Activities Board to bring back Sex Week
AB is bringing back its premier event: Sex Week! Originally hosted jointly by the Women's Center and AB Special Events, AB has since divorced the Women's Center and is now uniting with the esteemed Kenneth C. Griffin School of Computer Science. In the spirit of this sacred union, AB will be hosting a daily 7:00 P.M. event in McConomy Auditorium (except for Tuesday's special event) celebrating God's favorite pastime.
Monday: Live Sex Demonstration
Kicking things off with a bang, AB will be hosting an in person demonstration on how to have sex. At CMU, we understand many of …
Stealing at Stack'd: A Guide
Stack’d Underground is, on most nights, a thriving center of off duty student activity. Many regular joes are here to grab a quick bite or chat with their classmates. But for enterprising CMU students like me and you, this is also the perfect opportunity to make a quick dime without even breaking a sweat.
You’ll want to find a seat early on in the night, off to one of the dimly lit sides. Find one that puts the entire room in easy view. It’s not a bad idea to get a small meal and pass the time a bit—you …
Anti-Oughtiplus Sex
Halfpast hush, window rainrattled, the lampwick whispering made a little sun of her undone cuff. May I? Me: aye: wristward, thurstward, tictactile, hisher pulse and the twobeat beast becoming, tictactile. Grab!tation: now a conjugal third.
[He’s barely grabbed her wrist?! At this pace, we’ll need a second issue for the left breast. Cut the “tictactile”; you can’t time slow reader … but you sure can measure word count! I have eight pages, and one of them is reserved for a Pabst Blue Ribbon ad (now there’s indulgence! Hooch, not words, m’boy.)]
His mouth neared hers under the eye …
Buttering up your TA
Buttered Up Teaching Assistant
6 lbs butter, cubed
3 bunches parsley
20 tsp vinegar
134lb Teaching Assistant
½ cup plum jam
43 green onions, sliced
6 cups soy sauce
Best Course to use as "Course"play
Dear Reader,
In my first year of college, I had a sexual awakening while sitting in my 8 AM lecture. As my professor droned on and on—about what, I can’t quite remember—I realized just how titillating a situation I was in. I was surrounded by people, with only a tiny fold out desk to conceal my hands in my lap. Were I to simply become aroused by my professor’s sensual murmurs, I would have no choice but to bite my lip and suffer through the next one hundred and ten minutes!
Intrigued by my discovery, I began to …
We don't need to talk
)lease, sit down, make yourself at home. What am I making tonight? It's nothing much, just a beef bourguignon with short ribs, oxtail, and chuck roast, with some shallots, carrots, celery, and cremini mushrooms. Oh, and the jus is made from the braising liquid, just Beaulieu Vineyard cabernet sauvignon and homemade veal stock. No you don't need to help with anything, I'm almost done. I'm going to plate it now. You like it? That's nice, I'm a very good cook after all.
What time do you have to leave? How soon is soon? An hour? That programming languages class …
Letter Campaign from the Good Christian Mothers of America
It is clear that Carnegie Melongene University's array of sensual dining options are corrupting our dear, sensitive, children. We call upon the University to, at once, rectify and/or remove these lewd establishments from campus.
- Sara X., Board of Erectors
Hey, so I was putting these in Google Translate Plus and it turns out that La Prima Espresso means 'the primary ejaculation' in Spanish.
- Jeremiah Jeremiah
So, about Schatz. I read about this once in the paper. In Dubai they have these princes that–
- Simu Cutar, Bartow, Georgia
My darling grandson told …
How to keep your long distance relationship sex-free!
Dear my savoriest bao bun,
My dearest darling bun, we are just two weeks away from Labor Day weekend. I am certain that I am just as excited for Labor Day weekend to come as I suspect you would be. Since I left you to fend for myself in Donner Hall, I have been the most depressed. Every night, I imagine the day where I can once more remain celibate with you in person, just as we once had.
A kiss on your cheek, and not one any lower!
C.
Dear my juiciest Farnam tuna melt,
…Married in Vegas %
Las Vegas, Nevada - In the middle of the American desert stands a glittering glass oasis. Baking by day, shining by night, this is the crown of industrial society’s indulgences. Here you can find lovers, gamblers, thrill seekers, and the modern synthesis thereof: competitive relationship speedrunners.
We find ourselves in Vegas today, under the setting September sun, to catch a glimpse of this ritual. A young gentleman, sharply plumed, swiping quite intently on his cell phone as he waits outside the Mandalay Bay tower. He is racing through his Tinder feed, looking for the spark that will earn him …
Critique on the Marginal Theory of Murder
The value of murder is determined by the "utility" (pleasure or satisfaction) of said murder.
So say the neoclassical murderers. The elementary step of nailing down the terms “pleasure” and "satisfaction" regarding murder escapes our dear Gacyesians and Dahmerists. They are all too pleased with their grandiose graphs and speeches to ponder that murder, in all its various forms, takes on widely different use values, not reducible to "utility", if such a concept even had a sound philosophical basis.
To them, the value of murder is wholly subjective, as immaterial as cryptids or the old tales of Olympus. …
Watch a putdown artist in action
Picture this: you go to the bar on a Friday night, and all the girls there are having a great time. They’re laughing, dancing, maybe even falling in love. Disgusting. There’s nothing worse than watching a woman have fun at the bar. Luckily for humanity, I’ve dedicated my life to preventing this tragedy. I believe every woman deserves to go home alone and furious. If you feel the same way, pay close attention to my techniques.
Mario’s, Friday at 10pm
(I run up to a random unsuspecting girl, yelling and flailing my arms in the air.)
Blu: …
How to Spice Things Up in the Kitchen
Is cooking just not as exciting as it used to be? Has your gas burner lost its spark? Around halfway through the semester, every upperclassman staying in their own apartment starts to get tired of making their own meals. You might think that there’s nothing new to explore, and that it’s time to resign yourself to a life of meal prep so vanilla it feels like monthly missionary. But it doesn’t have to be this way!
If you want to spice up things in the kitchen, you need to act as soon as the urge strikes. It doesn’t matter …