Letter Campaign from the Good Christian Mothers of America
It is clear that Carnegie Melongene University's array of sensual dining options are corrupting our dear, sensitive, children. We call upon the University to, at once, rectify and/or remove these lewd establishments from campus.
- Sara X., Board of Erectors
Hey, so I was putting these in Google Translate Plus and it turns out that La Prima Espresso means 'the primary ejaculation' in Spanish.
- Jeremiah Jeremiah
So, about Schatz. I read about this once in the paper. In Dubai they have these princes that–
- Simu Cutar, Bartow, Georgia
My darling grandson told me over the phone he was going to get “Stacked” with his friends the other day. I was sure I misheard him I’m getting old you know. I fear what sort of company such a place breeds. But I’ll have you know the only thing getting ‘stack'd’ on my grandchild is books. Books of knowledge. And faith. Also, “Underground?” Really? My grandchild is not doing anything ‘underground’. No sir.
- Cindy J., Worthright County, Connecticut
I have a problem with Au Bon Pain. It's French. French for sex, pardon my French. Pain the little death, la petit mort. It’s honestly disgusting the things Carnegie Mellon’s admin lets pass by. These… these… socialists are putting horrible ideas in my sweetiepie's head. "All [a]Bout Pain" is apparently what the children call it. I went to college to study the good things –mathematics, circuitry, computers, God, but I watch as my child is forced to experience these deviations.
- Linsdey Q.
I was calling my dear friend Linda and you won’t believe the debauchery going on in the Zebra Lounge. It’s completely unbecoming of our future leaders. They have them dress up like zebras and give them litter boxes and they lounge around sexually. I can only pray for what becomes of their minds and character. Dear Jesus and Mary…
- Lisa M., Maryland