How to keep your long distance relationship sex-free!
Dear my savoriest bao bun,
My dearest darling bun, we are just two weeks away from Labor Day weekend. I am certain that I am just as excited for Labor Day weekend to come as I suspect you would be. Since I left you to fend for myself in Donner Hall, I have been the most depressed. Every night, I imagine the day where I can once more remain celibate with you in person, just as we once had.
A kiss on your cheek, and not one any lower!
C.
Dear my juiciest Farnam tuna melt,
I have received your letters, my adorable lover. I see that you have spiced up your last letter. Of course we can try """things""" when we meet each other, though I anticipate difficulties given that we would sleep together in a twin room. However, I have the utmost sorrowful news to share with you. My class, Fundamentals of Programming, is particularly difficult at this point of the semester. I will need to dedicate much time and brain power to solving IsHappyPrime over the weekend. I am much too ashamed to flirt with my TAs to get answers, and as great as Gemini is at responding to my salacious pick up lines, I don't want to cheat.
I promise, my cherished, that we shall meet each other instead during fall break, and we can then have one sex.
C.
Dear my lecherous leek,
To afford my bus ticket for my upcoming journey to you, I have participated in a medical study about infectious diseases at the University of Pittsburgh. The researchers promised me a very generous payment, a $20 Amazon gift card, $35 in cash, and ten shillings. An unforeseen consequence is that I now have Cholera and Small Pox. It is disastrous, I must be quarantined from the rest of my peers, and I cannot under any circumstance see you.
You must be distraught. Breathe, my darling, take deep, long breaths. Compose yourself. I can only imagine how much you thirst for me, but you and I must both wait. Thanksgiving Break is just around the corner.
C.
Dear my sexiest spinach,
I am sure that you are gearing up for your Thanksgiving travels, but I will not be able to make it. My case of Cholera and Small Pox have developed into a terminal case of Big Pox. It is very real, very deadly, and extremely contagious. We can not, under any circumstances, have sex, and my physicians have even informed me that the mere sight of another human being could worsen my condition.
I am so, so sorry. I am sure you understand.
C.
Dear lover,
Kosbie's army of TAs have discovered that I have cheated in my 15112 final exam. As punishment for my flagrant AIV, I have been scheduled to be executed by firing squad. Meanwhile, my terminal case of Big Pox has not subsided. It is unbearable, and I have called the University Health Services asking about euthanasia. Whichever kills me first, I am afraid I do not have much longer on this Earth with you.
A pat on your back, and not one any lower!
C.