Activities Board to bring back Sex Week
AB is bringing back its premier event: Sex Week! Originally hosted jointly by the Women's Center and AB Special Events, AB has since divorced the Women's Center and is now uniting with the esteemed Kenneth C. Griffin School of Computer Science. In the spirit of this sacred union, AB will be hosting a daily 7:00 P.M. event in McConomy Auditorium (except for Tuesday's special event) celebrating God's favorite pastime.
Monday: Live Sex Demonstration
Kicking things off with a bang, AB will be hosting an in person demonstration on how to have sex. At CMU, we understand many of you may have never heard of sex. AB will be sure to go over the whole process, with special attention to awkward propositions and telling anyone you can that you are, in fact, no longer a virgin. Bring your friends, enemies, and everyone in between to witness a life changing experience, raw and unfiltered. (Note: event duration is dependent on Jack’s stamina. Lock in, Jack.)
Tuesday: Build Your Own Sex Bot, powered by Roboclub
In this special event, join Roboclub in the UC Basement and work with Roboclub tools and mentors to build your very own personal sex doll! Beginner’s kits provided; all experience levels welcome. Choose your favorite customizations from pre-built modules, like circumsized or light medium bush. Bring a list of your craziest kinks, wishes, and desires, and Roboclub will help make your dreams a reality! (Note: If you represent a company interested in partnering professionally with Roboclub, for sex projects or otherwise, contact them via officers@roboclub.org)
Wednesday: Sex Engine Optimization, with OnlyFans
Struggling to land a summer internship? Looking to build your own business? OnlyFans media designers and insider consultants will be detailing all the best tips and tricks to boost your OF SEO. If you have never heard of any of those letters, don't worry! Our sexperts will teach you not only what the act of intercourse is, but how to turn any object into something sexy! Time will be available after the presentation for light networking; prepare your resumes and lingerie.
Thursday: Speed Fucking
Want to actually meet hot singles in your area? Come to the sex week speed fucking event, and we will have you making love to a total stranger in no time! Our expert matchmakers will rapidly assign you to the person in the room you coincidentally find least attractive, and watch as you nerds awkwardly fumble around with each other’s genitals. We will provide complimentary sex coaches in training, as a voice of support and to overpraise your educational journey after all, experiential learning is very important! If you prefer not to be coached during the act itself, we will do our best to take your preferences into account.
Friday: Abortion Options on SHIP, presented by Planned Parenthood
After your nonstop fucking fun week, join Planned Parenthood and learn what options you have in the extremely unlikely scenario that you need an abortion! They will review the options and costs for getting an abortion, from pills to coathangers. If you are a frequent sex haver, you may even be interested in Planned Parenthood's subscription service, which provides unlimited abortions a month for one low fee!
Please send questions or comments to: women@andrew.cmu.edu.