Married in Vegas %
Las Vegas, Nevada - In the middle of the American desert stands a glittering glass oasis. Baking by day, shining by night, this is the crown of industrial society’s indulgences. Here you can find lovers, gamblers, thrill seekers, and the modern synthesis thereof: competitive relationship speedrunners.
We find ourselves in Vegas today, under the setting September sun, to catch a glimpse of this ritual. A young gentleman, sharply plumed, swiping quite intently on his cell phone as he waits outside the Mandalay Bay tower. He is racing through his Tinder feed, looking for the spark that will earn him a worthy time on the leaderboards. There it is: swipe right, a green flash. The timer has begun.
At oh oh ten, a lady in red bounds from the sliding glass doors, and they high five salaciously. She must have been waiting in the lobby for her prince in latex armor. They fire off pleasantries on the way to the car – names, jobs, pets, homes, love languages, childhood dreams, and whether their middle or oldest child would be the most neglected. Off they drive, taking a right turn at 55 and letting the centrifugal force motivate an endearing snuggle. Smooth. We go to our boys in the helicopter, who will follow the rest of this magical journey: at just under two minutes, this run has the makings of a winner.
Vegas features one of the most fascinating American institutions, the cornerstone of its thriving speedrunning scene: drive through chapels. With some good planning, a couple can knock up and knock out 60 horsepower leisure. There! We’ve spotted them, burning down Sammy Davis, golden advertisements bounding across the Sphere. First date at two minutes thirty at Carl’s Jr., a $1 tip floating in their wake. Second date at 03:14 under the blooming magnolia trees, as they narrowly miss a pickup while they kiss with hair flying. At the chapel, the car only stops for a moment: mobbed by wrinkled ministers and sashaying bridesmaids like piranhas to a cow, our lovers emerge in a cloud of doves and champagne, the car loaded with rental white ribboned gifts. Marriage in 04:30: spectacularly done.
That makes Relationship% for these lovebirds. A whole world of speedrun routes await them: honeymoon races to spiteful divorces, children and death and filling out 153 clearance forms. What makes it sweet is not the destination, but the delightful brevity of the journey.