Watch a putdown artist in action
Picture this: you go to the bar on a Friday night, and all the girls there are having a great time. They’re laughing, dancing, maybe even falling in love. Disgusting. There’s nothing worse than watching a woman have fun at the bar. Luckily for humanity, I’ve dedicated my life to preventing this tragedy. I believe every woman deserves to go home alone and furious. If you feel the same way, pay close attention to my techniques.
Mario’s, Friday at 10pm
(I run up to a random unsuspecting girl, yelling and flailing my arms in the air.)
Blu: WEE WOO! WEE WOO! WEE WOO!
Random Girl: What the fuck is happening?
Blu: WEE WOO! UGLY ALARM!
Random Girl: Fuck you!
Blu: WEE WOO! SENSITIVE ALARM!
Random Girl: You’re an asshole.
Blu: I’m not an asshole, I’m a person!
(I point at myself.)
Blu: WEE WOO! FUNNY ALARM!
(She opens her phone and calls an Uber, ready to return to her miserable hovel. I give myself a high five, which is also clapping for myself. Another job well done.)
(But the night doesn’t end there.)
Mario’s, Friday at 10:02pm
(I walk up behind a woman standing at the bar. I take high, jolly steps and sing to myself in an impish voice.)
Blu: By Mother Goose’s silver gullet, I’m gonna steal this lady’s wallet!
(She turns around.)
Woman: No you’re not.
(She goes for the door. I stand in front of her.)
Blu: You can only leave without a fee if you can solve my riddles three!
Woman: Wait, now I’m curious. Give me a riddle.
Blu: What has two thumbs in the morning and two thumbs in the evening?
Woman: A person? Blu: Wrong! A monkey! I never said the thumbs had to be opposable, twat! Now give me your money!
(She sprays me with mace. I cry, mostly from the mace, but also from the joy of seeing a woman unhappy.)
(The night still isn’t over.)
Mario’s, Friday at 10:04pm
(I walk up to a girl smoking outside the establishment.)
Blu: Are you from Virginia?
Human Ashtray: What?
Blu: Cause you’re the only virgin I, uh, see.
Human Ashtray: Are you putting me down?
Blu: YES! YES I AM! Finally, someone appreciates my craft!
Human Ashtray: That’s kinda sexy.
Blu: …
(She hands me her cigarette.)
Human Ashtray: Put this out on my tits.
Blu: Nuh uh!
(I swallow the lit cigarette and puke on her shoes.)
Human Ashtray: That was hot as fuck.
Blu: NOOOOOOOOOO!
(Overcome with despair, I drop to my knees.)
Human Ashtray: Ew. Get up. I thought you were gonna be the dom.
(I stand up and immediately launch into a cartwheel. Another job well done.)