Best Course to use as "Course"play
Dear Reader,
In my first year of college, I had a sexual awakening while sitting in my 8 AM lecture. As my professor droned on and on—about what, I can’t quite remember—I realized just how titillating a situation I was in. I was surrounded by people, with only a tiny fold out desk to conceal my hands in my lap. Were I to simply become aroused by my professor’s sensual murmurs, I would have no choice but to bite my lip and suffer through the next one hundred and ten minutes!
Intrigued by my discovery, I began to investigate the differences between various courses, starting with First Year writing. As I gathered from my peers, the different sections can have rather different flavors. But one thing is always true: you’ll never be satisfied. Class after class, I was brought to the edge, clawing at my desk as the promise of an interesting discussion was dangled in front of me. Many times, my professor would ask a thought provoking question, and I’d feel a rush of excitement. Finally, something stimulating! I’d then raise my hand, desperate to engage, only for a classmate to interrupt with an observation so painfully obvious that all intellectual tension dissipated. But never fear, I told myself—the next discussion could be different! Or the next. Or… the next? Tears formed in my eyes as I was let down again and again, teetering on the precipice of intellectual ecstasy.
Following the persistent tease of my freshman writing course, I moved on to a class that promised to be more satisfying: 21 259 Calculus in Three Dimensions. This course’s content is so sensual, so sinful, that even the homework had me rubbing my thighs together! Searching for the extrema of these surfaces made me feel like I was on a rollercoaster of pleasure; just when I thought I couldn’t climb any higher, I’d find out that maximum wasn’t absolute! Perhaps the only thing better than the coursework itself was recitation: I once spent the entire hour begging my TA to walk me through just one homework problem. “Please,” I cried, “I don’t remember how to solve this one! Help me!” They insisted I work it out myself, forcing me through triple integrals like it was a triple orgasm. Oh, god, I’d never felt so deliciously helpless!
This upcoming semester, I plan to take 80-130 Introduction to Ethics. I was inspired by a friend of mine, who told me that nothing gets her going like a crisis of morality. Introductions to Ethics really showed her how naughty she’d been. Learning about Kant had her begging her partner to treat her as a mere means to an end, and Bentham had her curious as to all the ways she can suffer. The hottest parts of her tales, though, were the arguments she’d get into with her peers. She’d feel the heat building under her collar as she’d debate passionately about her most deeply held beliefs, then take them home for the hate sex of a lifetime. And afterwards, overcome with the shame of having compromised her principles, she’d call them back. “I’ve been really bad,” she’d say. “I think you have a moral imperative to punish me.”
As a warning, I urge you not to get too carried away in your explorations of the sexual potential of university lectures. Not everybody finds vocabulary terms and formulas as lustworthy as you and I do. Still, I find the danger of being caught the most exciting part of the whole experience. That’s why I sit in the front row of every class, eyes glued to the blackboard as I bite back my moans. The professors mistake this for studiousness and dedication, and, well, I’ve never been one to turn down praise.