What happens if you don't find love during O-week?
I had just broken up with my girlfriend. She saw someone on the tour of her college she liked more than me. There was an option on the housing form called the “Romance Program.” It said that if you don’t find a partner during O-Week, you will work at an unethical company of your choosing. I chose Palantir. I have a very good memory of faces, so I relate to them a lot.
There were only options for heterosexual and Welch. Apparently the bisexual program “caused too much drama, and everybody wanted to work for Starbucks.” After a long period of deliberation, I went heterosexual. On day 1, I talked to a girl from across the hall. She told me she was majoring in math. I lied that I was too. To impress her, I said that the sum of all integers is -1/12. She slapped me in the face and said a relationship can’t be built on a lie.
In reality, my major is undecided. In other words, I have no defining characteristics. This makes me fundamentally undateable. My roommate is actually a business major, but he wrote a poem to impress a creative writing major. He showed it to me before he gave it to her. It was the shittiest fucking poem I’ve ever read. The next time I went into my room, they were having sex. I think their defining characteristic is that neither of them are self-aware.
On day 4, they made us walk over to Schenley Park with tranquilizer guns to hunt for woke students. For each one we caught, we would get one more day to find a partner. I saw one wearing a black shirt with the Fence on it and some words I couldn’t make out, but it ran away before I could shoot it. I didn’t get any extra days.
On my last day, I got desperate. Math girl from the first day was going to work for OpenAI, so I bought ChatGPT glasses that tell you what to do to make you more attractive to women. I walked up to her and told her I would honestly like to delve into that sweet sweet puss. She shot me with a tranquilizer dart. As my consciousness faded, she said she would make me work for the company nobody wanted to work for and started dragging me to the career center.
So anyways, that’s how I became the manager of this McDonalds. What was your problem with our refund policy?