Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club
Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.
“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that call this institution home,” says Rajesh. “I mean, decades. You can literally taste it in some of these classrooms. It’s frightening. But that’s not the point.”
“It’s fundamentally an artistic endeavor,” ejaculates head director Owen Dickens. “That’s what everybody else gets wrong.”
Owen believes that pornography is about expression. “When we film a man having sex with a woman and then upload it to the internet, it’s not about the man having sex with the woman; it’s about what I express through the sex of the man with the woman. It’s intimate, and I’m exposing myself the most of anybody involved.”
“[I’m a minor],” adds incoming freshman Ana Nimus. “[I’m a minor] [I’m a minor].” But the CMUPC isn’t just full of visionaries. Some people, like sophomore Cher Kingett, are just looking for a place to belong.
“I’ve had some bad times in the last few years,” Cher confesses. “Sometimes it’s hard to keep going, but this year, I decided I would pick up the pieces. And honestly, I couldn’t have done it without some of the wonderful pornographers I’ve met here. They’ve helped me see that there’s a porn star inside all of us, ready to shine. Even in me. Even in you.”
“I’m pivoting. I’m pivoting,” says CS student Sek C. Beast. “There’s no future in computer science. But masturbation is eternal.” He refused further comment, claiming to be in his “refractory period.”
But there’s an old saying: everything is about sex, except for sex. Which is about artificial intelligence. “No, we’re not looking into AI porn,” says Rajesh. “What the fuck are you talking about? Gross, dude.”