By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by the Second Law of Thermodynamics, Entropy+ was bound to get increasingly more disordered until it could no longer maintain itself, scattering into the wind.

However, the Laws of Thermodynamics do offer a counterpoint: energy may be used to restore a system. Denizens of Entropy+ may have noticed that, in …

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on the quality of our dining when we overheard two freshmen discussing a very interesting idea. Apparently, there’s this thing called the Banach–Tarski paradox—something about cutting a sphere into parts and recombining them and ending up with two of them of the same size, without adding anything. Turns out, that works …

By House Plant • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific arrangement of particles that must have been an exact replica of Carnegie Mellon floating free in space some couple million years ago.

If that seems impossible, you’re not alone. Dr. Fizicks Nuerhd was startled, too, but explains that while incredibly unlikely, it is fully possible for random atoms floating …

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM administrators have revealed that they plan to use cutting-edge experimental portal technology to open a gateway into the Backrooms, where they will eventually move the practice rooms. “After careful deliberation, we have decided that the practice rooms were actually not difficult enough to find,” wrote one administrator, “so in upholding …

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students are being punished in this manner. Some spent time on r/ Applying2College in high school, others applied to make their parents love them, and one or two even “really like the school” and “wanna follow their dreams”.

You have already grasped that the Carnegie Mellon student is an absurd …

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to broadcast their mad ramblings for the whole university to read:

I’ve tried all the doors but none of them seem to open. I walked up and down the spiral, searching for anyone else trapped in Gates, yet I have found no one. Perhaps I will just sit and study …

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, I relate this to my slutty little waist. My waist is so slutty, and if you want to find out more you can contact me at 412-

Q: I don’t see how your waist is relevant. Now, which of your classes do you enjoy the most?

A: My …

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at the blank paper on my mahogany desk, eluded, baffled, and with an unrelated stubbed toe, when a woman knocks on my door. Genevieve, she called herself.

She was all legs, except for the part of her that was her torso. Also the part of her that was her arms. …

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing shareholder value. Invite all your LinkedIn mutuals to a fangtastic networking event!

The decor, food, and activities are important here. They need to say “trick or treat” while also saying “hire me”. Guests can bring bowls of candy with their CV printed on every wrapper. Morally bankrupt attendees can …

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from my lip.

It may seem sexy, slinking around the city's underground with an orange-tipped cig and a mean look, but the health impacts are no joke. Throat cancer would put me out of more than one business, and I can't go hacking and coughing sitting behind a painting with …

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous screech upon impact was rather similar to my own reaction towards events soon to be detailed.

Specifically, last night, the Fence was unexpectedly painted with the phrase “No Murders on Our Campus.” After much deliberation, I made the decision to have this message removed. The Fence is a prominent …

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. (Don’t worry, we mostly don’t mean “throw” literally.) Stay tuned to see how CMU PD compares in our next issue.

First, Readme’s investigative journalists needed a crime for Pitt Police to solve. This need was not left needed for very long at all, when Readme’s very own Chimothy Yachtsson …

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation of academic weapons has created a toxic and psychologically hazardous learning environment in schools across the nation. This is evidenced by an epidemic of anxiety and diminished self-esteem among non-weapon students, resulting in increased healthcare costs—something Congress cares deeply about—and decreased national productivity, a clear burden on interstate commerce.

…

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one of the cool kids on your floor, especially for late night shenanigans (shut up shut up SHUT UP you weren’t supposed to mention it). That being said, it’s important to make sure that you pick the right minifridge for you and your needs!

The number one most important thing …

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” stand at the intersection of Forbes and Morewood on the day of the death.

“It started off as a completely normal day,” Susan reported. “God had sent me someone to test my patience and strength of faith – a godless CMU student who was trying to debate the date …

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling on colonial structures. The statistics reveal undeniable systematic barriers, arbitrarily imposed by society and the office of admissions, that have funneled a brilliant, diverse workforce away from this hallowed institution.

You’ll see me at any Women in CS events in a hoodie, ethically produced of course, a cup of …