Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)
One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices against one another to prove once and for all that drunk driving is better.
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1. Drunk driving forces you to live in the moment.
In order to properly drive drunk, you'll be utterly black-out wasted. If you remember any step in the process of getting home, …
From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s
The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for hate, which they came up with shortly after inventing trigonometry: arc-agape, arc-eros, arc-philia, arc-storge, arc-philautia, and arc-xenia. One lesser known perk of attending school in the Pittsburgh area is getting to experience all of these sentiments in their natural breeding ground, the McDonald’s on Forbes Avenue. For the cheap price …
Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market
At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling and the sophomores buying is inefficient,” Manya stated from the Hunt Bloomberg Terminal, which she has not left in days, much to the annoyance of several Tepper students who have taken to networking with each other while waiting in line for the terminal to clear up.
Manya’s firm operates …
SCANDAL AT CMU: The SECRET Behind ANSYS Hall's Weight Gain
Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large windows and creamy brick that leave nothing to the imagination. Of course, the sleek, modern design is often cited as one of its most desirable qualities.
As we watched, we noticed something shocking about ANSYS’s picture-perfect exterior. The lights of ANSYS Hall seem dimmer, no longer shining like they …
They will greet us as sexual liberators
The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting spirit.
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Dick Cheney: Now, I think things have gotten so bad inside CMU, from the standpoint of the students, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as sexual liberators. And the chancellor's made it very clear that our purpose there is, if we are forced …
What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?
I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read books. Safe books, quiet books. I came to campus once in 2026, but I was sent off, and now I am back. It's not the same, but I can recognize it when I try.
Sometimes, the hours grow late. The sunset isn't visible from my little nook in Gates …
Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance
Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or thumbs. All variants of wrestling serve the same purpose: demonstrating the power of one person over another. This age-old purpose is what led to tongue wrestling, the newest frontier of the sport.
Wrestler Youssef Nassar, known professionally as Y/N, has pioneered an entirely new form of wrestling. He credits …
The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break
Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…
This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the first half of the semester, I have struggled. The notes are little more than incomprehensible scrawl and Office Hours seem to be located in a building that only occurs in dreams. With the dawning of Spring Break, I was sure I was going to fail the class. As I wandered …
The Bill of Commandments
Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” hat (he apologized, but it was clearly politically motivated based on his painted nails). I believe this slowly mounting civil war is caused by one thing: the separation of church and state. Our founding fathers, while having absolutely no other moral shortcomings, erroneously thought that freedom of religion is one …
Field Guide To Sabotage
So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left in the dust. And now you hear a voice from deep inside your psyche, calling you to take action, to commit sabotage?
Luckily, here at ReadMe, we have no conscience and are proud to bring you this guide to sabotaging your least favorite booth or buggy org this spring!
…It's Gone
2:33 PM
It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually pretty good at his job, and everyone else has a pitch. Oh well, guess I’ll just have to slack off for a couple more hours.
4:09 PM
I messaged the editor-in-chief, and he said I wasn’t writing anything for this issue. I swear I was tagged in the …
Auntie Readme: Torn between my situationship and 47 feral hogs
Feeling Hogtied: February is the time for renegotiating leases. And, coincidentally, retreading and regretting my love life. I'm currently living in a two-bedroom with a guy who looks kind of like Timothee Chalamet if he were born and raised in the Texas panhandle. Long story short, we flirted a tiny bit, and he suggested that he was maybe considering possibly buying me flowers at some unspecific point in the future. Didn’t happen. I'm looking to find a new place to live, but all the good stuff got snatched up already. My only other option is a one-bedroom shack at the …
The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.
The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.
Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James Hargreaves, this is a lie. The true inventor of Jenny? Why, Jenny, of course.
Jenny may have pretended to be careless when she dropped a spinning wheel on its side, but she was actually a mechanical genius, enabling the eight-spindled invention that would revolutionize the cotton industry.
When …
Tarring and Feathering: The Skincare Hack You've Never Heard Of
If you’re anything like me, you’ve been living through crazy times. Every piece of news from the town crier spikes your cortisol, disgusting soldiers keep asking to sleep with you, and herbal teas have become STUPIDLY expensive. (Seriously, girls. You might as well throw your money in the Boston Harbor.)
All of this stress is a recipe for breakouts. If your face looks like a topographical map of Bunker Hill, you’re not alone. We’ve received postage from readers across the colonies complaining that their skin is more oily than the inside of a musket. To all of these concerned …
A 213 student's guide to the subtle distinction between yaoi and bl
If you've taken one of the many Intro to Computer Systems courses (15/18-x13, or 213 for short), you've likely encountered a little thing we in the community call "bl" for short. You've probably also encountered yaoi. Some people argue these are the same thing, while others argue they're completely different, and yet more insist on nuanced and overlapping definitions. This article aims to set the record straight.
Let's start with the structure of 213. There are two weekly lectures and a weekly recitation. Lecture attendance is ungraded. A weekly quiz-style homework makes up a small percentage of the grade …
Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts
This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.
An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits
As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across the desk from a young writer, I consider the words of the chess grandmaster Magnus Carlsen: "I am trying to beat the guy sitting across from me and trying to choose the moves that are most unpleasant for him and his style."
If you're a TA, this likely sounds …