Study finds local tavernkeeps no longer dominant information source for questgoers
The Tavern—a place that has always been associated with methodical research. But, according to a recent Pew Research Center poll, tavernkeeps are no longer nearly as popular among the adventuring populace. I sat down with local guildmaster, Bjork Sideweih, to find out why:
BS: Back in the 50’s, tavernkeeps were just the only way for the average American to find out about important quests. Oracles were too infrequent, wizard consults were unaffordable—it all came down to the tavern.
RM: So what was the turning point?
BS: There was no one clear turning point, but a slow …
Confessions of the Fence Eater
As many of you know, I am about to be expelled from CMU for taking a bite out of the Fence. The vitriol I’ve received from faculty and alumni for this victimless crime has taken a tremendous toll on my mental health, and I would like to present my side of the story.
It all started when I was holding the Fence for an unnamed organization. I hadn’t eaten in 8 hours, and I couldn’t risk anybody stealing our turf as I snuck off to Ciao Bella. My gaze drifted to the paint-covered picnic table I was sitting at. …
A Freshman's Guide to Staying Healthy
Congratulations on starting your first year at Carnegie Mellon! Now that you’re in college, you can’t rely on your parents to keep you alive anymore. You have to get your own food, look after your own wellbeing, and avoid locking yourself in a hot car while you buy cigarettes. It’s a lot to think about! That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to create this comprehensive guide to health, fitness, and emotional tranquility. I survived my freshman year with only minimal hospital visits, and you can too!
Tip #1: Watch what you eat! Some foods are more calorie-dense than …
Self-Care For The Self-Destructive
Welcome, freshmen, to Carnegie Mellon! You’ve got a busy week ahead, one of so very many, so make sure you enjoy this one while it lasts. After all, come next week, and you will be launched into a world of coursework, clubs, and career choices that will define the rest of your life. No pressure!
That’s why it’s important to make O-Week count. You could do that by making new friends, learning about yourself, and getting to know this campus. But how about instead setting yourself up for a miserable four years ahead by taking care of your sweet, …
Are You a Lazy Bitch? Automating Your Human Interaction With Claude
Being a mediocre friend takes a lot of work. Is some dumb bitch blowing up your phone, asking inane questions like “are you free this weekend?” or if you “want to grab a drink :)”? Do you have a friend incapable of getting the hint that you do like them, but more of in a LinkedIn connection way? Are you tired of having to spend time and energy on maintaining enough social capital to use for networking opportunities in the future? The struggle is over. Claude Fable allows you to input biographical information about your friends to generate customized responses …
Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club
Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.
“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that call this institution home,” says Rajesh. “I mean, decades. You can literally taste it in some of these classrooms. It’s frightening. But that’s not the point.”
“It’s fundamentally an artistic endeavor,” ejaculates head director Owen Dickens. “That’s what everybody else gets wrong.”
Owen believes that pornography is about …
What happens if you don't find love during O-week?
I had just broken up with my girlfriend. She saw someone on the tour of her college she liked more than me. There was an option on the housing form called the “Romance Program.” It said that if you don’t find a partner during O-Week, you will work at an unethical company of your choosing. I chose Palantir. I have a very good memory of faces, so I relate to them a lot.
There were only options for heterosexual and Welch. Apparently the bisexual program “caused too much drama, and everybody wanted to work for Starbucks.” After a long …
Everything not on your ABP Everything Bagel
I asked for a bagel with everything on it, a coffee and apple to go,
They looked at me funny, like hey, little buddy, there’s something that you didn’t know:
It comes with the sesame, salmon and chili, and maybe a dollop of cheese,
But missing some magic that’s bound to be tragic if we didn’t put you at ease:
It’s missing the pasta, the Rev Noodle soup, and the infinite breakfast at Schatz,
There’s no second chances for four P.M. sign-ups, or leftover CMU hats,
We’re fresh out of friends who’ll stay til’ …
Stupid Baby Rabbits Keep Ruining My Brooding
Rabbit populations follow boom-bust cycles, and the Pittsburgh rabbit sex market is at an all time high. This wreaks havoc on native plants, spreads disease, and takes away from my most enjoyable hobby: being miserable. Sometimes I walk around Westinghouse pond and contemplate drowning myself in two feet of water (I’m 6’5 by the way), and I see a bunny the size of my first nibbling at a clover. Other times, I mope up and down the hills of the Schelney golf course, and see balls of fur hopping into the sunset. How am I supposed to brood under these …
My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App
Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.
I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.
Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the way to the coffee shop. Everybody wants something purely physical these days. Well, I downloaded her at the last second— I know, pretty lame of me. We were ships crossing in the night, I could only activate the ticket right before the ride. But once we were in transit together, …
Finals Week Sestina
As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the AIV.
Is channeling ghosts in exams an AIV?
I’ll hash out my questions with Raymond John Wean.
I’m not sure if he can help with this class,
but my judgment is clouded by fear.
As quietly as if the world were asleep,
I whisper a refrain of Shit, shit, …
CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic
In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular lounging areas, the Cut and the Mall, with a layer of silt.
The administration often uses days with nice weather for promotional photos of campus, which could be adversely affected by the presence of students. University Communications and Marketing research has shown that the presence of students lying down …
Readme's Homework Eating Service
Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy of your homework to any member of Readme and they will promptly eat it. If your homework is digital, we are happy to accommodate by consuming your laptop or tablet.
If your professor requires proof of why you couldn’t complete your homework, simply take a picture of a member …