How to Spice Things Up in the Study Lounge
Have you ever noticed how schoolwork is boring but sex is super fun? If you have, you’re not alone. The good news is that you can combine the two. If you want straight As and straight Os, read this handy (no pun intended) guide!
Sexy study strategy #1: Put your work somewhere you can’t help but look. Solve matrices in whipped cream on your boyfriend’s back. Use your girlfriend’s right titty as a normal distribution curve. Project a PDF onto your partner’s foot and annotate with your tongue. This method makes boring information impossible to forget. When you’re sitting in your exam hall trying to remember what a “spectral theorem” is, you’ll picture the words written across a rippling latissimus dorsi. A small caveat is that you may only be able to formulate the answer by first drawing your lover’s muscled torso on your answer sheet. Depending on who’s grading your exam, though, this may be completely fine. If you have a male TA, just write “drawing of you, Josh” and let the 100s roll in.
Sexy study strategy #2: Turn procrastination into pain. First, find a cruel dominatrix or get one assigned to you by the Student Academic Success Center. Then, tell them they cannot let you finish until all of your assignments are submitted. If you’re taking too long on a problem, have them hit you with a cane. If you’re doing the Connections instead of working, have them zap your gonads with a cattle prod. If Heaven forbid you start to doomscroll, have them spray all the windows with Windex and use your naked body as a squeegee. Only when your Canvas dashboard is empty can you know the sweet release of pleasure. For me, the best feeling after a long study day is getting to take the Hexbugs out of my pants. Find what works for you!
Sexy study strategy #3: Don’t be afraid to go the digital route. Say you’re lonely and don’t have anyone to hold. Say it. Out loud, in the mirror. Good. Anyway, you’re in luck, because solo study time can be just as fun. All you need to do is open any Google Doc from throughout your course and linger there. Wait for someone, anyone, to pop up in the corner. Maybe it’ll be that one TA who always leaves sweet comments on your assignments. Things like “make sure to round to the correct number of sigfigs” and “not what is happening on line 6 at all”. Maybe you’ll rub your cursor over his and imagine your fingertips brushing against his knuckles. Maybe he’ll see you and leave a comment: “I yearn for you, Violet. Every minute of every recitation.” Maybe you’ll respond: “Oh, Josh, I would never miss your office hours.” Maybe you’ll run away together. Maybe the drudgery of college was keeping you from each other all along.
Anyway, those are all the tips I have to offer! If you want your exam grades to reach their peak, remember to stop cramming and start slamjamming. After all, studying is only boring if you make it boring!
README SWEEPSTAKES: If you try any of these methods, please send me a picture for a chance to become my desktop background!