Vol 6, Issue 2: readme: buy meal blocks (PDF)
the issue in which we conduct a classbased analysis of the problems facing our student body
Rejected Headlines
- Courses begin offering premium access to TA's unfiltered remarks
- OPINION: CaPS should stop hiring therapists shaped like penises
- If I don't get this article published my parents will kill me
- If you do what you love (quitting your job), you'll never work a day in your life
- Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's go extinct due to the limitless greed and destruction of mankind
- CMU community agrees not to do anything worth reporting on until Tartan ready to publish month into semester
- Asian Student Association to be renamed Student Association to remove redundancy
- 98268: Readme's you should have read by now
All this and more, not in this issue!
Tales from Beyond Frick Park: The One and Only Journey
Mr. Vizinyos delighted in recounting his tales of yonder. Paris, he explained, was Shadyside if Walnut Street had been widened to the point of absurdity; Venice resembled the South Side Flats when flooded; Tokyo was naught but Downtown if Downtown extended forever and the PRT went everywhere, anytime; and, naturally, Polish Hill was indistinguishable from Minsk. His neighbors always listened respectfully, though they all knew Vizinyos had lived in Squirrel Hill for seventy-four years and regarded crossing the Monongahela as the sort of expedition for which a prudent man packs sandwiches.
A student, recently arrived to the neighborhood, had …
A Short History of CMU
CMU came into being when the eponymous Andrew Carnegie discovered Doherty, Porter, and Baker Halls during an excavation while preparing for the construction of a new US Bureau of Mines building. Modern archaeologists have been unable to conclusively pinpoint their age, though the pale Kittanning bricks certainly predate homo sapiens. Contemporary sources report a cautious Carnegie entering into the bowels of Doherty G- level, to return several hours later with a fanatic look in his eye, an insatiable desire to expand the complex, and, most strangely, a conversion to Catholicism. Nearly no one dared venture as far down thereafter, and …
Call Me in Case of Campus Emergencies
Imagine this: you’ve been shot and you’re bleeding out on the ground. You call the campus police to come save you, but they send out a guy with another gun! Do you feel safe in this situation? Do you trust this random stranger not to also shoot you? Of course not! But I have a better idea: just call me instead.
Is there a criminal on the loose? I’m literally 6 foot 3. That criminal is getting hit with the good ol’ Cade Combo. All my homies can attest to my power.
Are you having a medical emergency? …
Cigarette Networking
Another year, another summer of being a bum. Despite my best efforts, I did not land an internship. "Are you legally authorized to work in the United States", my eyes glimmer with hope. "Yes", I mutter under my breath. "Do you now or in the future require visa sponsorship", the hopeful glimmer wells into sorrowful tears, "Yes", I click on the checkbox. The odds that I manage to find a job and won't be deported after
graduating are looking grim. So, dear reader, what did I do? Did I fuck off to a trip to Italy with my bourgeois …
Horseshoe Theory Finally Useful
Shockingly, the first and only legitimate use of horseshoe theory is actually related to horses. While a horse of medium health may provide companionship and funny videos for Instagram Reels, it's been determined that the optimal horse health for very profitable horse activities is either very low or very high. Therefore, to maximize your horsebased income, you should either pamper your horses with the freshest ryegrass or let them loose in your neighbor's lawn as is appropriate to your horse business sector.
How to Spice Things Up in the Study Lounge
Have you ever noticed how schoolwork is boring but sex is super fun? If you have, you’re not alone. The good news is that you can combine the two. If you want straight As and straight Os, read this handy (no pun intended) guide!
Sexy study strategy #1: Put your work somewhere you can’t help but look. Solve matrices in whipped cream on your boyfriend’s back. Use your girlfriend’s right titty as a normal distribution curve. Project a PDF onto your partner’s foot and annotate with your tongue. This method makes boring information impossible to forget. When you’re sitting …
Pittsburgh's Newest Invasive Species
You’ve seen them around. They didn’t exist here a few years ago, but now they’re all over the place. If you don’t know what they are, you might think they look kinda cool. Really, they’re destroying our environment.
Pittsburgh’s newest invasive species has no natural predators. It destroys its competition, becoming all you see. It behaves unpredictably, darting around or stopping at the slightest disturbance. It sees in all directions. It tries to avoid people yet feeds on the systems we rely on. It flies around the city, destroying natural resources as it goes. It is not beholden to …
Rat Authorities Ignore Human Infestation in Mudge
If you’re a rat in Carnegie Mellon University, you may love hanging around in many places—Darting around Hunt Library, sliding down Baker Hall, serving food at Yella’s, or being served as food at Yella’s. However, the largest and longest- standing safe haven for rats is undeniably Mudge House. Formed in 1958 by Edmund W. Mudge (who was very progressive for a koi fish of his time), it is the first and only rat- inclusive housing unit at CMU.
Rats lately have been seen more positively in the public eye due to their great contributions to the COVID19 pandemic, and …
Some Pointers for CMU SCS
0xE215629B68445E00
0x9E9E5875E147CF3C
0xD730C87F17A67175
0x43AB4FF862A36789
0x3716546A15DFC798
Segmentation fault (core dumped)
This Dog got into CMU with a 1100 SAT
“I didn’t really want to go to MIT anyways. I just feel like their campus culture wouldn’t have suited me,” explains 17 year old Basset Hound Elvis Johnson. “But CMU’s got these Tartan traditions, and, you know, that kind of thing. I think it was my number one choice, actually.”
The most remarkable thing about Elvis is, without a doubt, his college admission results. Despite scoring a measly 1100 after 2 retakes on the SAT, he was admitted to top Drama and Design university CMU for a degree in Statistics and Machine Learning.
“I was in shock,” said …
Why It's Really Called Au Bon "Pain"
Never, ever go near Au Bon Pain if you care about your dignity. Please humbly take my story as a cautionary tale.
It was a beautiful Thursday evening. I was headed to a dinner date with my girlfriend at Revolution Noodle, but young and foolish as I was, I took a wrong turn in the UC.
That was the moment I first saw it: the café that still taunts me with its beauty. Like the succulent apples and oranges they serve as sides, Au Bon Pain’s allure was beyond compare. With all consideration of my date thrown out …
