Danya Kogan
Staffwriter, Union Agitator, Special Correspondent to Dr. Et Al
Mechanical Engineering, CIT (19)27
Bio
I don't know what I am doing.
Fun Fact
Lactose intolerant? I have all 10 of them???
Previous Work
Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming
Abstract
Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the conditions required for the promotion of mold growth are already present in a dorm room. The main deficiency, however, is adequate moisture. Hence, most of this study focused on increasing the moisture content of a standard dorm room. Multiple methods were tested for increasing the moisture content of a dorm room such as clogging air vents with chewing gum, stealing water vapor from showers, and utilizing air humidifiers. Our study succeeded in finding optimal mold growth conditions, and as a matter of fact, all the surfaces were covered in mold.
Methods
All conditions necessary for black mold growth are naturally present in dorm rooms at Carnegie Mellon University with the exception of sufficient moisture. Hence, this study focused specifically on increasing the moisture content of a dorm room. A common method in which standard building codes deal with moisture content in rooms is by mandating proper ventilation. Such requirements go against the needs of mold farmers and must consequently be disabled. In this study, every dorm room was broken into via air vent to confirm the presence of an air vent – with 100% confidence, each room had one. In order to create optimal moisture conditions for mold growth, chewing gum was used to clog air vents, resulting in a 237% increase in air moisture.
The moisture content observed in the experimental room was sufficient for black mold growth, but not optimal. More moisture was necessary from external sources. Many dorm rooms are directly connected to bathrooms, which are a major source of moisture, especially during a shower. In such dorm rooms, the door separating the dorm room and bathroom can just be left open when showering to increase moisture even further. If such an arrangement is not present, putting a shit ton of air humidifiers in your room might work. The maximum moisture content we managed to achieve in this study was 507% the moisture content of the original. This was sufficient moisture for ideal black mold growth. In fact, black mold ended up covering all open surfaces in the dorm room, and by our metrics, this study was beyond successful. The scientific and medical outcomes for this will be phenomenal. Absolutely tremendous.
Conclusion
Dorm-based black mold cultivation is a promising field with many potential benefits to tomfoolery and accidentally killing your roommate with significant fungal allergies. This study also serves as a great jumping-off point for future research regarding other types of fungal cultivation in a dorm room. We believe that this study will empower students to become hobbyist mycologists who might go on to solve the ever pressing issue plaguing Carnegie Mellon’s Campus: It is well known that CMU has a drug problem – where are all the drugs?
The Hunt
The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate tradition generation. Buggy racing, a sport originating from gilded-age fraternity brothers drunkenly racing each other down hills in buggies (Western Pennsylvania English for “shopping cart”), is probably the most well known tradition originating from this campus. However, there are many more that aren’t as well known: Painting the fence, “Gazorching,” Inverse Bungee Jumping, Carnival, just to name a few. However, I would like to bring to light one peculiarly delightful tradition known ominously as “The Hunt”. This tradition involves participants stripping entirely naked at the dead of night, and slathering themselves head-to-toe with peanut butter. Participants then hide all over campus, trying to evade a pack of starving Scottish Terriers looking for their first meal in over a month.
Following is one account by a local student who participated in the year 2024, –
“In my first year here at CMU during carnival, I saw a flyer for “the Hunt” somewhere on campus – and there was a QR code you could scan to sign up. It said it was pretty competitive because everyone wants to do it, and it could only take up to 30 students. I managed to make it in because I wrote some really good essay questions on why I wanted to participate. I remember we all lined up at 2 am outside Hunt Library – which is named after the Hunt actually – and then we heard the dogs barking. It got increasingly louder as the U-Haul trucks came closer carrying the dogs. Farnam himself stood with a large tub of peanut butter and he was slathering the students himself. We all stood shoulder-to-shoulder in front of Hunt and then the starter pistol fired and we all ran. We were told we had two minutes until when the dogs would be released, but it felt like a lot less. I had planned and practiced a little bit, and my strategy was to run to Highmark, because the dogs would not recognize the new building. Unfortunately I had dripped some peanut butter on the way there, and I actually heard a dog badging into highmark. I heard it get closer and closer and I heard some sniffing at the keyhole of the door I was hiding behind – fortunately, I heard a loud noise outside, and then the dog started running, and I heard a student screaming outside. I took the opportunity to run into the maintenance penthouse and onto the roof, where I waited it out until sunrise, which is when the game ends. As a prize, I got a free raspberry pi 4.”
Blood sports like this typically aren’t allowed on college campuses, but here at Carnegie Mellon, not only is it encouraged, but the president himself slathers you in the peanut butter.
Wean is Shabbat Friendly?
On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that observant jews could go onto a different floor while still obeying G-d. One example of such an institution that uses this technology is Wean Hall at Carnegie Mellon University, a prestigious T5 tech school nestled in the foothills of the Allegheny Mountains. The way these elevators are shabbat compliant is rather unique – rather than using code that activates on a Friday evening sunset to enable Shabbat mode, the University provides a multitude of goyish students to enter and exit at each floor. If one were to, lets say, try to traverse from floor 4 to 7, a very common commute here, the following scene would play out: someone calls the elevator at floor 4, as is common, and presses the button for floor 5 because they are a lazy fuck that cannot bother to use the stairs. Once you are on the elevator and it gets to floor 5, this loser exits and a different schmuck enters and presses the button for floor 6. Once there, the same scene plays out. If an observant Jew were to be on this elevator, Hashem would be very pleased. However, this method of using human labor to turn elevators into Shabbat machines has a major oversight – hoards of lazy people usually aren’t on floors 1, 2, 3, 8, or 9, which means that a nice jewish boy, girl, or neither would have to press the buttons themselves on these levels. Hopefully, the university supplies incentives to increase the student population at these floors, or just catches up to the rest of the world on Shabbat elevator technology.
Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia
Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!
10. Ukraine
Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself within Russian territory.
9. Georgia
Just wait! With a little patience, you'll be part of Russia just the same.
8. Belarus
Does linguistic genocide give you a hard-on? Much like how Western countries like France squashed their national languages in favor of one spoken by the elites, Belarus took this one step further, and made their official one of their bordering country.
7. Transnistria
Do you ever find yourself jacking off to USSR-era aesthetics? Are there tears running down your face mourning what once was? Yes? Then Transnistria is the perfect place for you! The flag is mostly red with a hammer and sickle in the canton, reminiscent of the vexilological layout of former SSR flags. You will find restaurants and bars decorated with soviet memorabilia everywhere you look. This country is closely aligned with Mother Russia, perfect for you!
6. Antarctica
Russia doesn't officially claim territory in Antarctica, but it's been accused of using scientific research as an excuse to exert increasing power over this chilly continent. This is a great place to study if you want to expand the motherland!
5. Poland
They've done it before, and they'll do it again. You don't have to be a farmer at the coordinates 50.47099, 23.93432 to experience authentic Russian invasion, so long as you incite a little conflict, and don't let NATO get you down.
4. Finland
Want to have to work for your Russian study abroad? Come fight another Winter War, and make it an inside job! If Mr. Molotov's bread baskets call to you, and you never leave the sauna without your trusty Mosin-Nagant, this is the space to watch.
3. Serbia
Want to study in a country with very similar political views as Mama Rossiya, that isn’t Belarus? Serbia is a great place for you in the Balkans! Just remember, Kosovo is Serbia, do not let the majority of the world tell you otherwise.
2. The United States
Looking for a country run by an old, authoritarian man who hates the gays, and which has a history of bullying smaller countries in its sphere of influence, and makes extensive use of questionable mercenaries? You might be just where you wanted already! Check out CMIST's Washington Semester Program, or stay local and build missiles for your own jingoistic paradise!
1. Brighton Beach, Brooklyn
For this scenic location right by the Atlantic Ocean, you won’t even have to leave the country! Looking down every street, you will see advertisements in Russian regarding injury lawyers, real estate, antique porn, and so much more! Despite being in New York, one could easily get by never having to utter a single word of English. If you ever get tired of being surrounded by 70 year-old Russian-speaking Jews, Uzbeks, Kyrgyz, Kazakhs, Georgians, etc, simply take the Q train to Bushwick where you can take a break with a 12 dollar latte and live that gentrifier lifestyle.
CMU Missed Connection
On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go to floor 3, and then immediately went on her phone. The elevator went up, as they tend to do, and stopped and opened at the third floor. This girl was so locked in on her phone that she did not notice the door open, how embarrassing it was. The elevator proceeded up to floor 4, where I was headed.
This girl stepped out, looked all around, realized this was not floor 3, and then took the stairs down to there. This is very embarrassing and if I were you I would strongly consider a Thoreauesque retreat to the woods. Except I hope you never come out — I think this is best for you and for everyone else in civil society. Unfortunately no one else was there during this encounter, so there wasn’t anyone to keep you accountable by laughing at you (this is not my role, I am the humble nonchalant observer). All of your ancestors are crying right now, I hope you know that.
Steam Tunnels Missed Connection
I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and I am sure it still is even if you are one — but, I would like to shine a light on a very unique encounter I had in its lower bowels. I was gallivanting about through the hallway at its lower level, when in the corner of my eye I noticed one of the steam tunnel doors open. Coming out of it was not a maintenance personnel, but rather a traffic cone. A traffic cone with legs sticking out from under it, crawling around like Mr. Krabs. I presume this was a disguise to avoid being caught by CMUPD, as trespassing in said tunnels, while very fun and cool, is strictly forbidden. This is the dumbest fucking disguise imaginable, how could you even think that something like this is going to work? Whoever this was, they would have been better off just putting on a high-vis vest and a hard hat. You are a disgrace to your ancestors, who are much better than you at disguise; after all they have to pretend they love you. They are sobbing.
Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025
The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This sport is just like regular bungee jumping, but with one small caveat – interviewing one student actively involved in this community, Benner Haroldt Rogers: “We straight up rawdogging this shit, no music, no bungee cords, no nothing. Just me and the laws of Physics”. But why would anyone want to jump off a bridge or a cliff or a tall building without a bungee cord? Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose? It doesn’t, as per Tyan Beatrice “Wetham” Rosh: “A bungee cord… it takes away the feeling, y’know?”. How this trend emerged I do not know, nor its survival into the future can Ipredict, however I have found that the current most popular vantage points for taking the leap is the top of Warner Hall (Farnam is a rawdogger too!), Panther Hollow Bridge (go Panthers!), and the “Architect's leap”.
Some finals traditions!
Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 colonies and the mountainous geography of the region. While the North and South have largely moved into the same “accent group”, Southwestern Pennsylvania prides itself on being different. The way of speech here combines morphosyntactic structures from Scotch-Irish (My car needs warshed, as opposed to my car needs washing), and has over a century of contact from Eastern and Southern European languages (The monophthongization of the MOUTH vowel, for example). The Allegheny mountains have isolated us, which only makes us more unique.
Linguistics is not the only aspect of our city in which we are unique – our schools have some of the wackiest traditions in collegiate America, and since finals week is approaching, the better. The Dartmouth on the Monongahela, Carnegie Mellon University, offers a myriad of century-old traditions pertaining to the hellish finals week. The most prominent tradition here is known as Tartan Roulette. While this may seem like monetary gambling, which you can do at the poker club, it is a challenge to see if the student would even be able to see their final exams. In this 100+ year old tradition, a student goes to one of our on-campus dining locations just before a final, and asks the cashier to do Tartan Roulette. To the student two soups are presented – one is just regular chicken noodle soup (you can ask for a vegan option as well!), and the other is Perpetual 1-Day Blinding Stew. If the student chooses correctly, they will be taking their exam with a huge adrenaline rush, allowing them to perform significantly better. If you chose wrong, well then you’re fucked.
Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU
Introduction
When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but by indefatigable electricity and steel.
Unfortunately, at our own Carnegie Mellon University, residents have bought in so heavily to indefatigable electricity and steel that 98% of all elevator use on campus is used to traverse a single floor (Et Al and others, 2021). This causes wasteful energy consumption—as expensive as maintaining the Orientation Tent when compared by the day on non-summer school days (Et Al and the other others, 2020)—and aggravated foot-tapping of the 58% of people taking the elevator from Wean 4 to Wean 8 who somehow end up stopping on every intermediate floor (Et Al et al., 2018). As a correlational effect, students are noticed to be starved of exercise (Etward Alabama, 2019). But most importantly of all, the stairs are quite sad (Ed Allen, 2012).
We have developed a new methodology that is projected to influence these metrics positively by orders of magnitude. After describing our methods and their tested benefits, we will discuss potential counterarguments regarding this procedure.
Methods and Results
This study introduces a new type of elevator, currently installed in Wean. When a user inputs a commute of one floor, a secret door opens opposite the main elevator entrance. Thwarted in their attempts to circumvent exercise, and presented with a quick, easy, and free alternative, we found that after a trial period of one week, 87% of users faced with the open stairwell opted to use it for their one-floor trip instead of waiting for the elevator to slowly close and proceed to the rest of its destination queue. We find it interesting to mention that a large majority of the remaining users took the elevator up two floors, then took the stairs down: a less effortful endeavor compared to ascending outright, at the cost of time.
Overall, we have found a 500% increase in stair usage, a major success, and will likely reproduce our experiment in elevators campus-wide in future work.
Discussion
We conclude with some common perceived pain points we received during user interviews.
“Why do this? Just add one more lane, one more lane will fix traffic flow this time.”
While, at the surface level, a traffic clog in the Wean staircase between classes may seem to cause students to use the elevator as an alternative, we found that this was not the case. Students who use the stairs for one route practically always use the stairs, even during traffic congestion; similar patterns are true for elevator users. Maybe you would find some better luck applying this idea to our highway system.
“You still use O(n) energy.” What does this even mean? You should always define n, unless the term’s meaning is heavily implied (and even then, if you’re completing your latest 15122 written). Are you saying that we have exchanged one energy expense per one-floor elevator travel and opening for one energy expense per secret passageway opening? In that case, remember that in the real world, constant factors do matter; the power used to open doors close doors, increment a floor, open doors, and close doors is much more than simply opening and closing a set of doors.
“I use a wheelchair, suffer from a mobility impairment, am carrying a heavy object, etc.”
Just take the elevators up three floors and down two. There’s a small enough minority of you all that you can use the elevators in a more expensive way while not impacting the overall energy use significantly. Call that amortization, or something.
Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5
It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator wasn’t crowded, so I got in and got to my class. Right outside the elevator on floor 5, the person who called the elevator I presume, was looking at their phone. They were so locked in that they didn’t realize the elevator had arrived, opened its doors, closed its doors, and left. I don’t know who they were, but they were wearing a white hoodie and a white baseball cap. Whoever you are, I hope you are embarrassed. Everyone saw this, everyone saw you miss the elevator because you were on your phone, and everyone was laughing – your ancestors are crying <3.
Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity
From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried in the past- lashings, paternalistic brainwashing, foremen - which are certainly things university administrators should try, but may not be the most effective. This project found that the answer lies in the Yerkes-Dodson law, not external disincentives. The Yerkes Dodson law is a psychological theory stating that humans are most productive at their given “optimal arousal state” - i.e. a mental state somewhere between underwhelmed and overwhelmed. By shifting this state rightwards, students will be able to undertake more stress and therefore be more productive than they currently are under present CMU workloads. While this study did not manage to discover a method for causing this rightward shift, we identify the need for such by comparing the effectiveness of other productivity-increasing methods in past literature.
Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff
On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, which he refused to pay, while Mr. Joshi went on to buy avocado toast and gold plated toilets. The staff attempted to negotiate with their boss numerous times, and to each Mr. Joshi replied: “there is nothing to negotiate.” After at least 47 attempts to negotiate, the Amalgamated Satire Syndicate (ASS) called a general strike for all student-run publications on campus. The Tartan refused to hold the picket line, and were therefore deemed bourgeois boot-licking class traitors.
ASS completely closed off all access to DH 1117, and did not allow anyone to cross, including Mr. Joshi. Joshi made many obscure threats at the workers, including forcing everyone to enroll in 21-127 Concepts of Mathematics. ASS did not budge, and responded to the threat accordingly — arming themselves with Nerf guns. This alone left Mr. Joshi spiraling, and he decided that the only path forward was to fire all the staff and replace them with Pitt students. However, the recent militant development of ASS necessitated violence. Hence, Mr. Joshi contacted the Pinkerton Detective Agency via telegram, and they responded “The year is not 1892 anymore”. Mr. Joshi convinced them to use rejected CMU applicants from New Jersey instead of their own men, and promised to pay them more than 5 dollars. The Pinkertons agreed.
On September 12th, the Pinkertons landed their barge on the north shore of the Monongahela river, and marched northward to CMU via Schenley Park. These rejected applicants are just happy they are being given a chance to prove their worth to the CMU community.
Upon entering the UC 3rd floor, the untrained Pinkertons were petrified at what they saw — they were never told they would have to shoot people. Regardless, the Pinkertons were here to do one thing, and thus, one SCS reject, wearing hot pink, fired the first shot at the striking ASS workers. The bullet missed, and ASS managed to shoot every single mercenary who dared show up. The battle was over, and ASS had won.
Upon hearing the news, Mr. Joshi was terrified, and took his case to CMU president Farmam Jahanian. ASS effortlessly managed to wipe out the Pinkertons, what do you think they can do with all the military-industrial complex money the school receives? Mr. Joshi succeeded in convincing Dr. Jahanian to send in the Pennsylvania National Guard. On a lovely September 15th, the ASS workers were sitting in lawn chairs in front of the Wean La Prima until a loud shatter of glass was heard.
From a helicopter, in swung a member of the Pennsylvania national guard, who aimed his rifle at the ASS workers. The same happened from the other direction, essentially cornering the workers. NERF guns are unfortunately no match for real weaponry actively used to violate the Geneva Conventions in the Eastern Mediterranean, and thus ASS surrendered, bringing their 12-day strike to an end.
What happened afterwards was shocking.
The staff were all brought in handcuffs to the Mall, where instead of everyone being summarily shot, as we do with our writers after every issue anyways, the Pennsylvania National Guard pulled out a guillotine, like the thing French people trim their toenails with. Mr. Joshi watched with glee, knowing the ordeal was over, and to conclude this unfortunate series of events, all the ASS members were administered HRT (Head Removal Therapy).
An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People
In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, and even ended up interviewing both awake and asleep people to help us answer this very important question. What we found was that people who are awake spend their money on various goods and services², while people who are asleep spend virtually none³ (Or at least the sleeping people we interviewed refused to answer). This is because they are sleeping, and we cannot possibly stress how notably not-awake they are. Literature shows a strong correlation between spending money and declaring financial bankrupcy⁴ (Of course financial fraud exists and you can spend all of your friend’s money if you wanted to, but that does not count as them consciously choosing to gamble their savings away). Hence, we conclude that "going woke" makes one more likely to "go broke".
———
1: I’m not racist, but I hate minorities, Tucker Carlson, 2023
2: We made up this thing called money, Su Merriam, 5000 BC
3: Money-spending statistics of REM-stage sleepers, Austin S. Leep, 2018
4: If you spend money the total amount you have goes down, Spendjamin Currencer, 2012
I Fucking Hate the 54
Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in front of our eyes. While one may not hear antitrans rhetoric from no one other than the schizophrenics putting up posters that "jews are kidnapping our eastern european Page 2 children" , people who worship today's political equivalent of a golden calf, and pickup truck owners, its spirit manifests in the halls of the Steel City's government. Its effects are some of the most vile things any individual can experience – and Pittsburgh is a safe haven? The charlatans high up on their rams, mustangs, and other beasts look down on us, some of the most vulnerable people in the country, and they say they deserve our respect? If Pittsburgh is so great on trans issues, why does the 54 bus never fucking arrive.
A fun spin on a popular childhood game
Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of this popular game. On Tuesday, September 3rd, 2024, a group of students were seen chasing each other on bicycles in front of Hamerschlag hall in the morning dew. I at first could not believe my eyes, no one was wearing any helmets, and when I questioned these young folks everything began to make perfect sense. These future innovators were playing a sport, which they dubbed ‘bike tag with knives ’ , and the horrendous lack of personal protective equipment was required by the rules. I also couldn ’t help but notice that these students had kitchen knives affixed to their hands via duct tape, and I also questioned the merits of this, but having heard the name of this activity, I nonchalantly understood. I was assured that this activity had resulted in significantly fewer casualties than the first world war[1], which left my anxieties at ease. I was also told that superglue being used to attach the knives to your hands was prohibited, as the glue can irritate your skin and hospitalizations are to be avoided. I was busy that day, so I could not join in the festivity, but some day, I will be a winner, and I am sure of it.
[1] “Killed, wounded, and missing” Encyclopædia Britannica, Encyclopædia Britannica, inc., 7 July 2024, www.britannica.com/event/ WorldWarI/Killedwoundedandmissing.
CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping
As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth of interesting activities it gets to call its own. Adding to this proud list, a new sport has captured the hearts of CMU students and onlookers alike. Inverse Bungee Jumping, as the sport has been dubbed, involves strapping participants to a bungee cord anchored to the ground, and raising them upwards with a crane. Once the crane has brought the participant to the highest possible elevation, and the chord is fully in tension, the crane releases its load and the athlete slams into the ground at mach 7. One varsity inverse bungee jumper representing the fraternity Kappa Gamma Beta, Cindy Gao, was reported to have hit the asphalt in the College of Fine Arts parking lot so fast that they instantly sublimated. While KGB is not the only Greek organization to participate in this annual event, they have caused the greatest number of human-shaped imprints in the CFA pavement. Who knows, someone might manage to blast through Earth to China one day.
A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.
It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.
This policy grants students the ability to assign an unrestricted amount of work to any professor at CMU, or in the state of Pennsylvania. This levels out the playing field by ensuring that professors can relate directly to the everyday struggle of students as they engage in the unending slog of CMU coursework. This practice will ensure that the bond between students and their instructors is tighter than previously seen, and as a labor history professor put it, “we are united in toil.”
“Since the policy has entered into testing, I've assigned four different professors a compendium of League Of Legends Mechanics and Strategy guides. For the final this weekend we will be queuing as a 5-stack” Ryan Chernoff, a School of Computer Science student at 5124 Margaret Morrison St, Pittsburgh, PA 15213 who asked to remain “anonymous”, but to that we respond, “hi anonymous i’m dad”
“It is so nice to be the one producing mediocre work instead of lazily skimming over students' work and rolling a 5d20 to determine their grade—as I have been doing for the past 17 years.” A CMU professor who works at CMU who asked for their CMU affiliation with CMU to remain anonymous
“Fuck th*s shit, this is why I want to do research only.” Dr. Et Al, the professor who is leading this very study
Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department
In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and others at Carnegie Mellon University, came the closest to answering the age-old question of how to alter the fabric of contingency. The previous methods employed by the engineers in earlier studies involved fiddling with various criteria of the apparatuses that make up the bigger picture of the whatchamacallit. What our study did differently, however, was conducting various structural tests to figure out the glass transition temperatures of the gubbins, which are a central component of contingency-altering gizmos. Our widget ended up passing the Turing-Completeness test, and we conclude that our design is very human.
The 'car' in Carnegie
Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.
A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et Al revealed that the curbs contiguous with the sidewalks that barely anyone uses serve as a potential hazard towards automobiles passing through, thus the sidewalks had to go, expanding the road’s shoulder in the process.
After the university had finished this construction, Dr. Et Al ran a subsequent analysis, this time measuring the road’s level of service. The results were “atrocious”, as the professor said himself. It was obvious what had to happen following this.
Carnegie Mellon unveiled its brand new “Margaret Morrison Memorial 30-Lane Highway.” However, more analyses run by the world’s greatest academic suggested that the university has to build more lanes, otherwise the throughway wouldn’t ever live up to its maximum potential.