Vol 1, Issue 2: the issue in which we notate the complete collapse of this fine school
Rejected Headlines
- The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as EditorÂinÂChief
- Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast
- Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time
- Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid
- CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies.
- Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit
- Celsius starts sponsoring student allÂnighters
- readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition
- Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan
- Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it
- Spinning benches found to be migratory  where do they go?
- Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death
All this and more, not in this issue!
The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side
Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …
...A Letter from the Editor
Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …
...Auntie Readme's Advice Column
The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!
should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …
...Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart
An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.
On November 31, 2023, …
...CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt
PITTSBURGH, Pa. Â The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.
Twelve twentyÂfive p.m.
President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”
Four explosions, …
...Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless
Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …
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Readme Crime Report
README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …
...The 'car' in Carnegie
Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.
A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. …
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