Vol 2, Issue 3: the issue in which the treasury is emptied and this fine magazine finally goes bankrupt (PDF)
Rejected Headlines
- Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill"
- SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone
- REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class
- CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist.
- CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma
- Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals
- What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives.
- Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars.
- NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs.
- Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up.
- Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel
All this and more, not in this issue!
A Letter from the Editor
With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.
Regardless, our new goal as a newspaper of high esteem is to report fairly, and accurately on any and all campus happenings. We would never lie to you, which is why we are saddened to report that nothing has happened this week, at all. Please start doing more newsworthy …
EADME CIME EPOT
We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.
Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students disguised as a typical club email. Out of those 960 and 100 students, 400 students have downloaded malwae onto laptops. Computing Sevices is completely swamped with all the calls, emails and pleas. In the meanwhile, CMU advises all students to be vigilant about phishing attempts.
Table and Stool Heist …
Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?
It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee as we know the city of Pittsburgh takes great pride in the quality of their criminal activity. We had intended to hire a seasoned professional to contribute to Pittsburgh’s criminal enterprise in a tasteful and constructive way while making up for some of this quarter's heavy losses. However, a lapse …
ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring
Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for a new dog-watching ring. Very soon you will be able to enjoy some good old fashioned Scotty-Dog kerfuffles without the downsides of committing a class three felony.
But, you may ask, what exactly is dog-watching and how does it differ from dogfighting? Well, dogfighting is legally classified as engaging …
README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks
In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's beloved president was sold in the first place, but it is now safely in storage in an undisclosed location on campus.
But just how much did it cost? Secret documents found stapled to the outside of Wean Hall identified the price as $5k per strand. "I just don't see …
Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity
From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried in the past- lashings, paternalistic brainwashing, foremen - which are certainly things university administrators should try, but may not be the most effective. This project found that the answer lies in the Yerkes-Dodson law, not external disincentives. The Yerkes Dodson law is a psychological theory stating that humans are most …
Help Wanted: Password Guesses
As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just in case we got into a situation like this. It was kept secure instead of nuke-proof safe.
Unfortunately, it appears as though someone recycled the paper we had the code written down, and no one presently enslaved by readMe can count greater than three digits. Luckily, that's where you …
Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs
Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want to know how to make pipe bombs. Even more of you want me to commit AIVs for you in the name of defusing a bomb. Figures, but I can’t even find the terminal on my computer.
However, there has been one problem amidst the slag that has caught my …
Readme Joins Fight Against Global Warming on Side of Global Warming
Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.
“It’s because of all the crude oil we’re buying”. She says.
Crude oil, which is $1.70 per gallon at the time of writing this article, has recently seen a market dip of 9.3% over the past month, the lowest it’s been all year. Rogers reports that the dip has allowed Readme to purchase thousands of gallons of crude oil for their climate acceleration plan.
“It’s the reason why we’re broke, but it’s also the reason why we’re …
