Vol 2, Issue 0: the issue in which we initiate the freshmen to our storied traditions
Rejected Headlines
- Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling
- Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus
- CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school
- Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors
- REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says
- Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled
- Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately
- "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits
- With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment
All this and more, not in this issue!
A Letter from the Editor
As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …
...Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen
Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …
...Carnegie Mellon Updates Enrollment Contract, Since Nobody Reads Those Things Anyway: Here are Some of the Details
In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of …
...O-Week Crime Report
Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …
...5-Minute Crafts: ECE!
Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such …
...New ID Loopholes allow for underage drinking!
Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What …
...CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping
As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …
