Vol 1, Issue 3: the issue in which we say "yeah science bitch" and prove we deserve our degrees

Vol 1, Issue 3: the issue in which we say "yeah science bitch" and prove we deserve our degrees

Tags: Auntie Readme

Auntie readme's Advice

June 23, 2024, 10:20 a.m.
By: Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ | Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ II | Cindy Gao | Vol 1, Issue 3

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with experts in their fields!*

*Their fields being anxiety, mostly. †

**How long is too...

Tags: Real News

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

June 23, 2024, 10:15 a.m.
By: Abe James | Vol 1, Issue 3

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s reaction also seemed to prove his guilt with him barking and charging at the camera to stop them ...

Tags: Real News

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

June 23, 2024, 10:13 a.m.
By: Benner Rogers | Vol 1, Issue 3


The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email wr...

Tags: Science and Technology

Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time

June 23, 2024, 10:13 a.m.
By: Wade Cheng | Vol 1, Issue 3

13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time

SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.

(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)

SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—

<...

Tags: Science and Technology

Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

June 23, 2024, 9:53 a.m.
By: Danya Kogan | Dr. Et Al. | Vol 1, Issue 3

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and others at Carnegie Mellon University, came the closest to answering the age-old ...

Tags: Science and Technology

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

June 23, 2024, 9:51 a.m.
By: Eshaan Joshi | Vol 1, Issue 3

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling ‘the worst curve in 14 years’.

Tensions ran high before the clock started. ~~S...

Tags: Letter from the Editor

A Letter from the Editor

June 23, 2024, 9:49 a.m.
By: Eshaan Joshi | Vol 1, Issue 3

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 in the morning, all the awards were revoked, and the prize money confiscated. With midterm season over, r...

Tags: Real News

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

June 23, 2024, 9:48 a.m.
By: Jasmine Papino-Wood | Vol 1, Issue 3

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, wearing clothing that misaligns with an individu...